it's the ironic & controversial rhapsody of an ambiguous bert

2009-09-16T02:24:00.002+08:00

Due to some unforeseen & unpleasant event, I found myself looking through the whole pile of my msn chat history 'researching' for something and when my mouse hovered over your e-mail address, I hesitated and then unable to restrain myself, I double clicked. As I read through the conversations we had and thought about the times we shared together, I kept asking myself the same questions, "how on earth did I allow myself to lose you? where did I go wrong? what exactly went wrong?" I guess at the end of the day, perhaps I was not strong enough for you... ...

2009-09-10T00:02:00.000+08:00

"我不是一定要你回来
只是当又一个人看海
回头才发现你不在
留下我迂回的徘徊"

2009-09-09T00:39:00.000+08:00

徐佳瑩 - 失落沙洲

"我不是一定要你回來"

2009-09-06T20:30:00.001+08:00

help me understand, is it so difficult for u to stand beside me??

are u ashamed even, to stand by me??

2009-09-03T00:51:00.002+08:00

This isn't new. This kind of feeling has been experienced before, yet you wonder why you did not empthathise with thomas sooner. He calls it "xiao lu luan zhuang". I call it "a schoolboy who blushes whenever he sees and avoids the girl he has a crush on".

Recognising who he was standing along at the other side of the studio, but for fear of possible awkwardness or being mistaken for being bold, therefore instead of braving the seemingly longer than usual 10 feet to walk up to him, all you could muster was a simple wave, a small hand gesture in place of the verbal greeting, and then you returned to your conversation with your friends.

And that was your first chance. Lost.

An hour later, as you walked up towards the counter, you realised he was right across from you and you know he saw you. But instead of bidding farewells, you turned and walked away immediately, putting up a pretense of not noticing him, as if to convey an impression of haste, or worse, avoidance.

And that was your second chance. Lost.

3 days later, you saw a familiar figure stepped out of the elevator in front of you. As you walked closer, it became apparent that it was him but he did not see you, his eyes were fixated elsewhere. You could have called out his name but he had his Ipod glued to his ears; you could have tapped his shoulders to get his attention but all you did was to keep on going until you walked right past him.

And that was your third chance. Lost.

Inside the changing room, you stopped and took a breath in an attempt to clear your head and you thought to yourself that if God should intend it, you would have the opportunity to see him again. Thus 15 minutes later, you find yourself walking out with eyes roaming the entire floor. To your utter amazement, he was right there in front of you, only a few meters from his original spot. It would have taken less than 5 steps to reach him but at this moment, the same elevator went "ding". Taking it as a sign, you pivoted and left.

And that was your fourth chance. Lost.

Out on the streets, feeling extremely miserable and like a loser, you heard a song at the back of your head... ...

who doesn't long for someone to hold
who knows how to love you without being told
somebody tell me why I'm on my own
if there's a soulmate for everyone

2009-09-02T00:04:00.002+08:00

What happens...

when you can't take your mind off someone, someone whom you are extremely attracted to but you know it's either a schoolboy crush or something that doesn't have a chance of working out anyway because of the vast difference, not just in age, but more importantly, the gap in background.

when you know you were actually hoping to develop something with someone else - one who is going away to study in the near future and may probably never come back or even want to stay rooted here.

when you realised no matter how many there have been or how hard you have tried, you know at the back of your head and heart you haven't entirely let go of the ghost of last halloween.

Albert, YOU are one messed up soul.

2009-07-28T23:01:00.001+08:00

No matter how you feel towards me, I remember what I said and I make good my word - I will always be your friend.

2009-07-28T00:22:00.001+08:00

how i wished i had read this sooner...futomaki hit it right on the nail...

2009-07-05T23:41:00.002+08:00

it was a cold, rainy and lonely day

and in the end i went to bed alone, which was the right thing to do

but it wasn't what i had wanted

and i'm not sure am i happy or not

2009-07-05T03:55:00.001+08:00

there is a difference...i'm not alone, but i'm lonely...

am i to give up on love, am i giving up on finding love, or have i already given up that there is love??

2009-07-03T23:41:00.005+08:00

心痛比快乐更真实
爱为何这样的讽刺
我忘了这是第几次
一见你就无法坚持

孤独比拥抱更真实
爱让人失去了理智
会不会是我太自私
拒绝更寂寞的日子

i gave up on love, that elusive thing is meant for people more fortunate, obviously not me

i'm so lonely, i ended up doing things i didn't really want to do or i know i will regret in future..

thomas says i'm "whorish", i just didn't want to be alone... ...

2009-06-21T05:49:00.002+08:00

I feel so lost.

And I've come to accept the fact that there are some things that are just beyond our control, some things we just cannot change and some things no matter how hard you try to fight against it, the outcome was inevitable.

Things like love, who you eventually end up with, or who-not; things like the stuff Fate throws onto your path, things like the people you meet, the people you will never meet and those you either met too early or too late.

And yes, I said Fate, not your idea of a "loving" God who plays sick jokes on people in an attempt to goad them to turn back to him amidst pleas and cries for help. You know what they say - that God do not make mistakes, obviously it must have been the publisher.

2009-06-20T04:04:00.002+08:00

I feel so lost & so helpless. Why is such a lousy, inmature and useless person like me the eldest?? I cannot even set things right or be of any help to my family. I'm a good-for-nothing.

God, if this is your idea of a sick joke or one of your silly little tricks to try to what bring-me-through-with-your-strength or induce me to pray to you or whatever tests you want to put my family and I through. HAHA!! Guess what, it's not going to work. I only hate you more. You keep taking away the things I love and don't even try to bluff me with what nonsense of you will replace with yourself. Ever since I believed you years back, you have brought me nothing but trouble and misery. I can tell you this, I can go and kneel down and pray right now and then go and carry out what I pray for and you will not answer my prayer!! You call yourself a God of love!! Don't make me laugh.

2009-06-19T01:40:00.000+08:00

M is for Muse & he's missing!!

2009-06-15T03:52:00.000+08:00

so incredibly lonely...

2009-06-14T03:47:00.000+08:00

i miss you

2009-06-10T22:15:00.002+08:00

there's a voice in my head, saying leave right now instead
but the song in my heart sings, telling me to stay..

I suppose I'll see, if it's meant to be
why did I fall in love?
maybe it wasn't meant for me... ...

~composer, Dick Lee

2009-06-08T04:12:00.000+08:00

perhaps, sometimes I allow myself to think too much

2009-05-31T21:47:00.002+08:00

My first experience with long distance running was when Adrian introduced the 10km run to replace the standard route march. But I only really started serious long distance running when I was in navy school, under some peer pressure and the persuasion of one of my SIs, I registered for the inaugural Sundown Marathon in 2008.

My timing for this year's Sundown pales in comparison to both last year's and the Standard Chartered Marathon back in December 2008 but I was still glad I ran the race and as with all full marathons, the exhilarating satisfaction at the finishing line still exists. Plus, I was not about to go push myself too hard again unless I want to start limping around for weeks and cringe at every staircase like last year.

Usually I would take on a race with my default running buddy Sherman a.k.a Frosty the Snowman but I hit the road yesterday night with Bun Bun instead because I realised she had nobody to run with. I took her through the first 21km where we had a great time catching up, joking around, oogling at the same eye candies, fantasizing about MacDonalds when we reached the East Coast leg of the race and really buying food at MacDonalds because we got hungry.

Sidetrack a little here, remember when Mdm Meha told Slutyuri that "you are ready when you can stop a man with just 1 look", guess what? I'm ready. Guy A was so engrossed looking at me when I walked past that he did not notice his partner passing him a drink (or perhaps he was just staring at my milkshake). Bun later commented, "he was saying 'sorry sorry' to his partner, jialat, I think they will have a fight when they go home later".

One of the things that I like most about this sport is that during the course of running itself, my mind is surprisingly clear to think and reflect about a lot of stuff. Hence, with the few hours I had to myself, after I left Bun behind with one of our friends Terence because I wanted to push ahead on my own for a better timing, I thought about some stuff and came to some decisions which I hope will eventually aid me in turning my life around for the better.

There had just been too much pressure lately, pressure from work, family, life and the non-existent all-time-favourite asking-for-it relationship (emphasis on the non-existent). Adrian once said this to me, "if a relationship cannot be a source of comfort and solace, then... ..."

In any case, hell week for me commenced with the start of Sundown. I am so not looking forward to the physically intense schedule ahead of CBT training, merchant vessel day and night climb, Simulation Centre Training (which is just as exhausting mentally), IPPT, overnight sailing and quartermaster duty. If I collapse before next Saturday, you guys know what happened. LOL!!

p.s. Running alongside thousands others, I saw a few couples, straight or otherwise, taking the challenge together. This happened to be one of the few things that I had envisioned would be present in my future relationship, (insert: Edwin's comment on my view of a perfect relationship). I am sorry, I think I have forgotten what I said to you and myself at the very beginning and yesterday night put me back into perspective. I'm but an imperfect soul with numerous flaws.

Having said that, when dusk falls and I eventually look towards the other end of the bridge in the setting sun, will I lay my eyes upon your silhouette, or the horizon??

2009-05-30T04:43:00.006+08:00

Once there was a young man who devoted his heart and time to grow an apple tree. Everyday without fail, he would water the tree and check the leaves for signs of infestation, wishing the tree would quickly bear fruit. However he soon grew impatient, frustrated and of course, 'emo'.

One day, a wise old man told him this, "You should know that not all things should be carried out in haste. Force the tree to bear fruit before it's ready and I can assure you, you will regret the end results. Give the tree its own time and space and trust that under your care and with what nature has already provided for it, when the time comes, eventually you will have apples that are both ripe and sweet."

Remember when I used to say if I have a problem with Leo, the problem probably lied with me; but when so many of us have problems with him, it's his problem instead.

Edwin said to me, "you have this perfect image of how a perfect relationship should be like and when things do not turn out your way, you give up and say 'this is not it' ".

Well, I think by now I've got to admit - I'm the one with the problem. If there is anything I've learnt as a sailor, it's that when you made a mistake, you be man enough to stand up and admit it instead of fearing reproof. It's 'bout time I slap myself and start learning from all my past mistakes and failures.

Daniel thought that, "you are only ready for a relationship when you realised that you do not need it." For the past 2 years after the end of that grand disaster, I've been trying so hard to find that someone who can complement me, it was as if I was looking for a missing part of my life. Am I really ready to commit to whoever God has intended for me, or if not, believe and accept that I can have an equally fulfilling life staying single?

2009-05-18T21:49:00.002+08:00

doctor A: It's been concluded, the verdict's out.

doctor W: What is it this time round??

doctor A: My patient seems to think I've contracted it.

doctor W: It?? What's 'it'??

doctor A: Oh you know, that.

doctor W: What in the world is 'that'??

doctor A: (pause for dramatic effect) The 'oh'.

doctor W: Oh?! (scratches head in puzzlement) Oh!!

doctor A: Oh yes!!

doctor W: Oh no!!

doctor A: Oh well...

doctor W: Oh really??

doctor A: (-_-!!)

doctor W: seriously, seriously, you of all people to contract 'bert flu'!!

doctor A: (-_-!!!)

2009-05-17T19:45:00.001+08:00

love this song...love story...

2009-05-14T23:49:00.002+08:00

The following is a conversation that took place at the Cardiac & Cerebral Clinic...

patient A: Doctor you look ill, your face's flushed and your breathing seems heavier, are you alright??

doctor A: Strange as it seems but I cannot seem to fathom this; all of these appears to be rather, unreadable.

patient A: Well, let us try to diagnose this, what other symptoms are you experiencing??

doctor A: (I wonder who's the doctor here.) Oh well, let me see, actually there's more, when his arm brushes mine, my heart rate increases and I felt a little giddy.

patient A: My good doctor, surely you already know what it is you have contracted and I assure you, this is no sickness. In fact, it is staring at you right in the face.

doctor A: Incredible!! What is it??

patient A: Let me ask you this: do you want to touch his hand back??

doctor A: Oh...

patient A: Oh indeed...

2009-05-13T01:34:00.002+08:00

As much as I like to see myself in a role of being the one who shelters and supports his partner, there are times when I admit I would very much like instead to have a shoulder for me to rest my head on for a change; times when I am physically tired and mentally exhausted.

My ego is so strong, to such an extent that some of my friends call me a MCP, I forget that once in a while when I look at my reflection, I see a young boy staring back. For all I put on a facade of high self-esteem to create an illusion of self-confidence, in the ways of the world, life and heart, I have but only 21 years of experience.

Goodness I hate emo nights...

Rather unprecedented, totally unexpected but pleasant nonetheless, a tap of your finger on my arm that made my heart thumped so fast, I really heard it in my ears. I walked home with a puzzled smile.

2009-05-08T00:22:00.000+08:00

the frustration...must be hormones...and the weather...

2009-05-06T23:32:00.002+08:00

me: which hospital??
mousehunt: alvernia
me:no idea where is that...haha sounds like it's private
mousehunt: yea...haha...mine's a private hospital
me: so's mine...mt elizabeth
mousehunt: yea
mousehunt: mt E
mousehunt: mine's mt A lor
mousehunt: A & E
mousehunt: haha
me: ermm....A & E...hahaha okok
me: although it's not a very gd sign
me: lol
mousehunt: hahaha

2009-05-06T00:48:00.001+08:00

mousehunt: "ya it's so late already.."
me: "i dun have to work tml, it's you i'm worried about.."

2009-05-05T23:39:00.001+08:00

2009-05-03T03:50:00.000+08:00

能认识你，我已经很满足了...

2009-05-01T03:46:00.004+08:00

I realised that the most important thing for me to do right now is to focus on the "Contentment of the Moment".

The key here is the difference between Happiness and Contentment. Telling myself that I want to be or ought to be Happy, it's as if I'm saying I'm still short of something and that I need to achieve or acquire something else in order to be Happy.

Contentment on the other hand is so much simpler in comparison. I'm Contented - therefore I'm already satisfied with what I have, instead of harping on wanting to gain what I do not.

It's being thankful for what has already been given to me, instead of asking for more.

Workwise I think I'm pretty glad with where I stand currently. A recent upcoming promotion and gradual climb in seniority has led to more responsibility and appointments falling to me (not something I desired of course) but hey, as long as my job pays for my credit card bills, I think I'm good. Besides a new found good friend at the workplace has made weekdays a little more bearable.

Now this other bit of issue that my mind has been revolving around for the past few days, it dawned on me that it's even more imperative for me to be contented.

Seriously, I'm not kidding when I say that it's nothing short of a miracle for me to find you again after 7 months. So many signs are pointing to the right direction - the pre-meeting jitters that were so bad it made me want to cancel on the pretext of a lie; the fact that I've always thought I would find someone who matches me in terms of education background & interest, hobbies, our similar names & compatibility and how my mind has been able to concentrate on nothing else except you.

When I agreed that we would have dinner just simply as friends, believe me, I meant it (of course, chivalry dictates that I buy dinner and I would not have it otherwise) because I know that you are not looking for a relationship right now and I respect that. The simplistic beauty of this matter lies not in the necessity of having you but in the gratification of being able to spend time knowing you.

If we are only just to be friends, trust me, I'm already very contented.

2009-04-27T04:26:00.002+08:00

I really want to believe in "affinity".

"Things happen for a reason;" - it was no coincidence that I found you again coincidentally after 7 months.

2009-04-26T11:01:00.001+08:00

Sometimes the fear of rejection can be so great it cripples you and you end up sabotaging yourself...

2009-04-25T02:09:00.002+08:00

i'm so afraid of jinxing myself again, of being presumptuous, of thinking and knowing perhaps a person like me does not deserve to have a happily ever after with that one...

2009-04-24T23:35:00.002+08:00

So true n Daniel concurs - with great expectations, comes great disappointment and perhaps even greater misery.

It's excruciatingly agonising to be holding out for 1 person, but perhaps, could this finally be the key to end my anguish?? A love-at-first-sight; a total stranger...

2009-04-03T01:52:00.000+08:00

i want nobody, nobody but you

2009-03-29T17:26:00.004+08:00

Remember my mantra - I believe that things happen for a reason...

It only occured to me when I saw your uniquely spelt name on the list that it should be no surprise at all for you to attend L & L because Sean is one of the panelists. I just did not anticipate the effect you would have, that you still have, on me when you made your late-entry appearance, in your favourite white tapered bermudas and carrying the Barney Rustle Blanket

Thinking that you would not be at the club, considering you were wearing that pair of Havaianas which I like so much, I saw you again for the second time in 9 hours. You, who could make my face so haunted and hollowed, made me realise that I only want, and still want, you.

For the past 5 months, I've dated others, crossed paths with some and even seeked instant physical gratification with a few; but you've never left my mind.

Only you who can make me wonder: Was I perhaps not good enough?? Was I perhaps not hot enough?? Did I do something wrong or did I not do anything right?? Was it my mannerisms?? Could it have been my behaviour?? Maybe there was somebody else??

My favourite day in 2008 remains Halloween Night.

2009-03-04T23:23:00.002+08:00

At the risk of starting a "bitching" war (already I hear my friends going "huh, I thought the war started long ago??", to You-Know-Who-You-Are:

Remember the time when I said I only have two words for you - "people change"; I meant you, not me.

First, allow me to state clearly that it is definitely your prerogative to write/air any views of yours that you may have.

Frankly, I'm appalled and I do not appreciate (the word is an understatement here) how you self-righteously judged my friend's actions to be MINDLESS and how you draw a conclusion that you BELIEVE my friend will REGRET in future and how you didactically passed on your wisdom to ask him to learn the RIGHT thing.

I know this is going to sound crude and cliched but just who do you think you are??

Of course, I may be wrong here and I may have entirely pre-judged you and assumed everything and maybe it turns out that you were not referring to who I thought you were but you know when they say that if one person has a problem with somebody else, it is probably that somebody else's fault but when everyone else have a problem with that one person, it is most likely that one person's fault.

Have you perhaps given any thought as to why we exiled you from the group? You can say that you do not care or give a damn if you want to save some 'face' but we all know that's not true.

2009-03-01T15:52:00.002+08:00

While discussing travelling plans with Cod & Taurus yesterday, Cod told me an interesting story that happened to them when they took a "budget" trip to Bangkok some time back together with their big sister V.

When deciding on which airline to fly to Bangkok...

Cod: Can we take SQ??
Taurus & V: No no, it's a budget trip so we must take budget airline. Let's fly AirAsia.

Upon reaching Bangkok...

Taurus & V: Cod, can we fly SQ back to Singapore??
Cod: -_-!!

When deciding on what mode of transport to commute to the hotel...

Taurus & V: Since this is a budget trip, let's take the coach.

When they were heading to the airport from the hotel on the last day...

Taurus & V: Cod, can you please indent the limousine instead.
Cod: -_-!!

When deciding on which type of boat to take to Pattaya...

Taurus & V: This must be a budget trip so let's pick the ferry.

When returning to the mainland...

Taurus & V: We shall hire the private speedboat instead.
Cod: -_-!!

Conclusion, next time we travel, Cod makes all the transportation decisions.

2009-02-25T21:38:00.001+08:00

According to M, it's supposed to be just "a lot better" and not "a lot more better". And I thought my command of English was fine, apparently not. Haha..

2009-02-21T16:35:00.001+08:00

It's been a while since I last had my emotions emptied out by a film.

2009-02-16T21:29:00.005+08:00

I kind of like twilight, please do not get me wrong for I'm not referring to the movie here and yes, I know twilight can refer to daybreak as well but I mean I really enjoy gazing at the sky when it hits 7pm.

2009-02-16T00:41:00.002+08:00

Moving on, move on and hopefully, I stay moved on.

I'm sorry..

There are just too many reasons for me not to; I'm no longer a child - I need to be responsible for my own actions. It's not right, you can't give me security and I do not want to become a sinner.

I hope you understand where I'm coming from.

2009-02-12T01:12:00.001+08:00

"Ex-teacher, teen had sex"

I judged this and my colleagues judged me; so who's the one on the moral highhorse?

(http://www.straitstimes.com/Breaking%2BNews/Singapore/Story/STIStory_336060.html?vgnmr=1)

2009-02-09T22:25:00.004+08:00

Regret - it eats at you from within, like a vile creature nurtured through imprudence and in the absence of discipline . Often it makes us wish we are masters of time so that we may go back and undo certain actions. Men do learn from hindsight; it's only cardinal if when presented with a similar situation a second time that we repeat the very same mistakes. I acted on impulse again, not once, not twice, not even thrice...

Could I have handled the matter in a more mature manner?? Yes. But I allowed my emotions to get the better of me. The result - "albertantrum". It ruined not just the night, my night but it may very well have left a smear across the memories of my friends, affecting them needlessly.

Tantamount to the saying "so near, yet so far", I was right outside and 5 centimetres away. I had envisioned it perfectly; I'll step into the room, you'll look up at me roused from your slumber by my entry and I'll plant a kiss on that pair of lucious, soft, full lips. Yet when my trembling fingers wrapped itself around the pale and cold metal, heartbeat quickening with every second and my mind a tumult, I found myself powerless and weak. Like some TV serial drama, albeit knowing you are right on the other side of the threshold, I released my shaking hand and turned away.

I do not like to leave issues hanging.

I need to resolve this.

2009-02-08T02:12:00.001+08:00

Oh the naivety of it all. I keep telling myself that I'm done here and then I keep giving you another chance and yet you keep letting me down.

2009-02-02T01:32:00.002+08:00

As much as I do not wish to, I guess maybe it's time I wake up from this dream. It's a wake-up call for me not to play with fire, the next one may just be me. Although there have been much more beautiful dreams in the past, this one has been, and still is, just as memorable. I got myself into this, I have to get myself out now. But the 1 million dollar question remains, when I wake up tomorrow, will my heart still be as firm??

Should I??

Can I??

Bottomline - Will I??

2009-02-01T04:44:00.003+08:00

Our dear cod aka Queen of the Steps was so lazy to walk back to his car, he hid his Gatsby in the bushes at the traffic junction before returning to the club. According to him, he has already done this many times and each time, managed to successfully retrieve his clay.

2009-01-23T17:09:00.002+08:00

This is a promise not just to Thomas & Jason L, but essentially, it's a promise to you and to myself - that I will not become the person whom I hated and feared and I will not go down the path of not treasuring my life.

2009-01-23T02:15:00.002+08:00

Myth or fact:

That we can be Single, Fabulous and most important, Happy??

2009-01-22T14:46:00.002+08:00

a conversation that took place between Jayson and I while we were on our way to Riviera from the airport...

B: lemme show you a picture
J: oh is this J??
B: yup yup
J: shit, you did not tell me J looked like this
B: haha, now you know why

2009-01-09T21:42:00.002+08:00

a posture that has become rather familiar to me now - your elbows propped against the railing and you shift your weight forward, your head held low as you nonchalantly look to your left and right, to the casual passer-by it would seemed as though you were randomly surveying your surroundings, then you would look up and when our eyes meet, your face would break into the most charming and dazzling smile ever, a smile which I like to think that (or at least pretend) you flash only for me. oh ya how can I forget the green tea, always the bottle of green tea.

2009-01-08T18:26:00.002+08:00

I do not know which is worse - the agony of the body ache induced by the fever or the agony of not being able to tell the one you like that you are sick.

2009-01-05T23:43:00.004+08:00

I haven't been able to stop crying since; I'm sure the story of Mew & Tong had touched many of us in different ways.

"To all the loves that bring us to life."

If I said that I wrote this song for you
Would you believe me?
It might not be as well-written or beautiful
Like other songs
I want you to know that a love song
Can't be written if you're not in love
But for you, my dear
I wrote this song so easily

You might have heard hundreds or thousands of love songs
They might be meaningful
But they are meant for anyone
But when you listen to this song
A song that's written for you only
If you understand the meaning, then our hearts
Will be together as one

CHORUS
Let it be a song on the path we walk together
That only has voices of you and me
Together as long as possible
Just like a line from a poem
As long as you have love, you still have hope
Every time your love shines in my heart
I can see my destiny

There are so many truths in love
And in the past, I spent a lot of time
Searching for its meaning
But now I just know
Whenever you are near
I know that if life is a melody, you are the lyrics
That give it meaning and make it beautiful

CHORUS

CHORUS

There's a path for us to walk together
And there are voices of you and me
There's a path for us to walk together side by side
And there are voices of you and me

2009-01-05T22:14:00.001+08:00

I'm a simple-minded naive little boy.

2009-01-05T17:36:00.001+08:00

I stand by what I said and has always believed - everything happens for a reason; I met you for a reason.

2009-01-03T03:45:00.000+08:00

Honey I've only got 2 words for you: people change.

2009-01-02T01:50:00.002+08:00

I usually don't bother with resolutions for the new year because I know I'm probably not disciplined enough to follow through anyway; but well someone important enough to me asked about my resolutions (although I have a nagging sensation that it was just courteous small talk) and his question actually got me started thinking about what do I want to achieve in 2009.

So I thought to myself, "why not?"

But it's always important to start humbly and not bite off more than I can swallow so my resolutions must be pragmatic, necessary, life-changing and feasible.

1. Be nicer. (Haha already this first one sounds like a stretch!) Frankly, I'm a bitch. I admit that I'm not a very nice person and if someone steps on my tail, he/she will probably be on the receiving end of my bitching for a month or so. Therefore it's imperative that I learn to curb my venomous tongue and treat people in a more gracious manner. But of course, there is still a line here so I must not become pretentious - a hypocrite is not any better.

2. Since we're on the subject of tongue here, I also need to really learn when to keep my big mouth shut. This few weeks I'm feeling the detrimental effects of what my gossiping has done to not just my own personal life but also to the lives of my friends around me. Things meant to be kept secret should never be disclosed. It's pointless to regret when now I've ruined someone else's life and caused strains to his relationships with his friends. Reminder to self: it's really okay to be quiet and just listen. They say empty vessels make the most noise, I don't have to be in the limelight all the time.

3. Cutting down on clubbing and cutting back on expenditure. Guys I'm serious about only clubbing once a week and doing other healthier stuff on the weekends. Being club royalty shouldn't be a goal at a time when we are supposed to tighten our belt.

4. Getting my driving license. I've been putting this off for the past 3 years and it's about time I actually show at the tests instead of wasting the booking fee.

5. Have my own life. I think I should really give some thought to filling up my life with activities that I've always wanted to do. I want to go back to my piano lessons, I want to learn ballroom dancing, I want to hit the gym more (and get my butt in shape) and I want to return to baking.

6. Now the last one is probably the toughest and the most ludicrous - stop being such a slut and believe that I can be happy being single. Sure I miss the times when I had someone going to bed together with me but I can still go to Cold Storage and shop for groceries alone, go out for runs alone and cook in the kitchen alone. Point is, I can still do all of those stuff by myself and still be happy. The trick I believe is to be contented with what I have instead of dwelling on what I don't.

2008-12-30T15:29:00.003+08:00

but something happened for the very first time with you
my heart melted into the ground found something true
and everyone's looking 'round thinking I'm going crazy

but I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
they try to pull me away
but they don't know the truth
my heart's crippled by the vein that I keep on closing
you cut me open and I

2008-12-28T17:33:00.002+08:00

Sometimes the longest distance between 2 person could be a length as short as just 50cm.

I didn't have the balls to take that 2 steps towards you.

2008-12-28T05:41:00.003+08:00

Most of the time we never get a bedtime story ending.

I screwed up.

It's funny really, ridiculous even. I can't blame anyone here, because when I say my life is a mess now, it's only because I complicated it myself.

I need to learn to keep my big mouth shut. This is not the first time already, and it had better be the last.

At some point, a line must be drawn. Even with friends, even though we are friends and we love each other, there are some things that we just should not stick our nose in.

Everytime I thought I've become mature to deal with something, I realised that there are just so much more waiting for me to learn.

And in order to prevent myself from becoming a pretentious & despicable hypocrite, there are some people whom in front of them, I will not put on my "i like you and we are oh-so-good-friends" face.

"The difference between adults and children is that kids say things to your face. Grown-ups, on the other hand, bitch behind your back."
Johann S.Lee
"A Quiet Time"

2008-12-27T04:39:00.002+08:00

"Stay exclusive. No more alternative monitoring. So if you're already mated and find yourself experiencing chemistry with another woman, don't cross the line and make an overture. It doesn't mean you can't be attracted to another person, it's just that you don't act on it. If you're still shopping around, it shows that you're still not ready."

Pat Love
Relationships Expert, Men's Health

2008-12-26T14:08:00.010+08:00

Alright, Xmas is over and as what Thomas said, "hen kuai de", CNY will be at our doorsteps. Ordered a set of pineapple tarts & cornflake cookies from my good old friend cum one-time-mentor & fellow baker Jamica.

To all those who has a sweet tooth just like me, do visit http://www.simplytemptation.blogspot.com/ and lend your support to this amazing & passionate baker.

Well, like Jason, I too had a club-and-alcohol-free Christmas holiday. Eve was spent at Bernard & Stephen's where there were wonderful food such as flame-grilled seafood fried rice, honey baked ham plus all-time favourite Colonel's old recipe Kentucky Fried Chicken; desserts include my Christmas cake, homemade tiramisu infused with Martell, Tia Maria & Kahlua Liquor and there was this fruit & honey yogurt pudding.

Oh ya Ernie & Huiting, the Cocoa Banana Caramella was heavenly!!

And after dinner, while Bernard, Stephen & Leo were having a ball crazily playing Wii, I was calmly playing mahjong with Jackson + Kevin, Alvin + Roystern & our very own "hong lian jie jie". (I abstained from the red wine as I had to work the next day.)

author's note: photos yet to be procured from Stephen.

p.s. thank you for a very thoughtful & sweet Christmas day... turns out I didn't have to spend Christmas alone after all

2008-12-24T17:00:00.003+08:00

Never do your Christmas shopping at the last minute on the eve itself unless you're a fan of Chinatown after the reunion dinner.

Anyway, heading over to Bernard & Stephen's soon for a Xmas's Eve gathering with old friends. (I'm always excited about going to their place because I simply love the interior and the idea that they have a place of their own, although strictly speaking it's actually bernard's flat.)

Traditionally with pot luck sessions that I've attended in the past, I'd usually bring a home-baked cheesecake; this year however with the absence of my mixer (it's really just an excuse), I've once again ordered a fabulous and delectable cake - Cocoa Banana Caramella from The Patissier.

2008-12-23T22:56:00.003+08:00

Did you know?? That according to Thomas, a higher percentage of people commit suicide during this festive season; I supposed it may be because people tend to get or feel lonelier during this intensive period of family holidays.

Couples of all sorts, be it husband and wife, boyfriend and girlfriend, boyfriend and boyfriend or girlfriend and girlfriend, will be strutting down Orchard Road together doing stuff like Christmas shopping or standing in front of the Deli counter at Cold Storage, discussing passionately whether would it be more appropriate to serve their guests roasted turkey or honey baked ham during the upcoming intimate and cozy Christmas countdown gathering tomorrow.

At this juncture, I have no choice but to face reality. It's the first time in a few years now that I'm really gonna be spending my December holidays single and date-less.

It's Christmas's Eve and nobody should have to spend it alone.

author's note: I know, I know. You guys must be thinking that this is yet another self-sympathetic rambling of a sad little boy who is sad only because he chose to make himself sad. Sigh, hopefully this down period will pass soon and I will start smiling again, like how I use to every morning when I woke up in the month of October.

2008-12-21T22:42:00.002+08:00

Something is holding me back from being a "Fabulous-green-lightstick". I think I fear that my reputation precedes me so much, it's hindering myself at my own level now.

C'mon, who would want to date the S??

Usually when I fancy someone much older than me I wouldn't do much in terms of "chasing", because I do not need someone undecisive or passive, I would just shift myself from the shelf to the display counter and make things easy.

However if I grew fond of someone around my age, then you'd see me make my move or work my magic because I believe in going for what I want and to passionately pursue it. Happiness don't come for lazy bums, you have to fight for it.

But I guess first and foremost, no matter which boat my feet wants to be in, I must make sure my heart is on the same vessel as well. Before I date or chase anyone this season, I must guarantee it's no rebound nor am I toying with anyone.

31st October was a dream and it should stay where it belonged - the past.

2008-12-21T05:41:00.003+08:00

Contrary to what HT says, Cape no. 7 is nice. It's heartwarming, touching and has the right amount of humour. Seriously speaking I have no idea how Jason can actually fall asleep halfway through; I really felt like giving him a good pinch to wake him up, screaming and cursing.

Now I finally know how detrimental my "feng liu shi" as a "silver doll" is to my reputation - I almost have none left now. I realised I can't blame my friends for bitching me in front of others, I reaped what I sowed. So as part of a new movement to reinvent the new me as the old Albert (not the really old childish & immature one but the one who grew up because he had to), I shall endeavour to remove the big S image of myself. I want to go back to being the Albert who's more "chen" (as in the "chen" in mature). Henceforth feel free to pinch me hard next time if I sashay, shake, screech, scream or worse, slut around.

2008-12-20T15:37:00.003+08:00

It's called knowingly and purposely playing with fire...

sometimes we're just asking for it... ....

there's a Cantonese saying: "no eyes see"...

oh ya, have fun in Korea.

~~Sarang he-yo~~

2008-12-12T00:41:00.003+08:00

didn't work out... ...shall eat grass for the rest of the year... ...too exhausted to keep tryin'

2008-12-07T17:24:00.000+08:00

one last shot at love & happiness... ...before i close shop for the year

2008-12-05T04:52:00.003+08:00

I dreamt of you 2 nights ago. When I woke up, I could not remember the content of the dream but your face was there, vivid in my mind.

I'm slowly waiting for the reality to sink in, that no matter what, you are not going to be there. Here's a lesson learnt for everyone - do not ever make promises to a child if you cannot afford to keep it. You will not be there.

Nothing is working. Throughout the years, I've had some (if not a lot of) experience with heartbreaks and here's usually how I try to remedy myself, from the mildest to the most extreme:

1. Cry me an ocean. Which I had already done, my heart in pain, my tears driven by alcohol plus your favourite songs and my head on the shoulder of a dear friend.

2. Slowly let go and forget. Which is something that we can never truly accomplish because unless you contract sudden amnesia, the memories will most certainly not go away. It may fade, but it's there. All your friends will advise you to just let go and forget and let time heal your wounds and move on but I cannot do 'slowly move on' now, I need something fast. Obviously not working.

3. Hate. Which lead to the dark side. Unfortunately even hating you did not work because I can never bear myself to hate you. The minute I did, I lashed out and right after that, I regretted all my actions. Irreversible. Hate led to regret.

4. The Springboard. Which is cruel and should not be condoned. Using someone else as a rebound is wrong and it will only create a vicious cycle of hurt.

5. "Hotpot". Which is the most evil method up my sleeve and the worst one of all. I have used this successfully in the past but I'm not about to do it again unless I really become that desperate. (I can sense EC frowing at me now). I wonder how much longer can I hold up before I turn to this drastic measure.

The following statements stem from a self-sympathetic soul of a pathetic loser:

I'm hurt; no I'm not hurt. I'm devastated.

You have no idea the amount of pain you've inflicted on me.

When I saw you there laughing away with your friends and enjoying yourself, it occured to me that either you've already moved on that quickly or you did not even care at all in the first place. And I know what I felt was wrong because it's almost as if I wanted to see you as equally heartbroken as me, which should not be the case here because truly caring for you would be wanting you to be as happy as possible. Therefore, I put up a show - one that would not have escaped your attention.

I recall my meeting with the tarot card fortune teller Master Manfred back in Darwin. He said I would find love by the time the year comes to an end and I asked what do I have to do to find love. He replied saying that it's my time and I did not have to do anything, I shall simply need to wait.

Well come to think about it now, I did find love. Only thing is he did not promise that the love would stay.

2008-11-24T05:40:00.001+08:00

"well, you should know, where you go, i will be there."

2008-11-23T05:44:00.003+08:00

I'm sorry, no actually I'm not because you hurt me first. It's just like the song - you cut me open. The best way right now, which may not be the right thing to do, but what's absolutely necessary is for me to cut you out of my life. So yes I'm isolating you from everything - msn, facebook, blog and as much as I struggled against, my handphone.

Because your freaking 'shadow' is everywhere; your face is everywhere. I cannot go to a club without being reminded of you, I cannot listen to my Ipod without thinking of you (because you were the one who sent me my new entire playlist), hell I cannot even drink clam chowder without recalling you.

I was just browsing some other people's facebook profile and wham, your picture just appeared right in front of my eyes without warning. I did not want to know but now I do to the whereabouts of you this afternoon (it's as if some evil joke is being played on me, see I'm going to tell you where your beloved is whether you like it or not) and I cannot fathom this but the surge of anger, the pain, the disgust, the hatred, the love and yes the freaking love all came at me together at that one single moment because of some ridiculous random photo that made me miss you so badly and hate you all at the same time.

Right now the only way for me to let go of you is one of the oldest trick in the book - I'll hate you with all the nerves in my body.

Yes, things happen for a reason and that reason is to punish me for clubbing on October 19th. I curse my Monday off, I detest Deepavali and I wish I had never tried to celebrate Halloween.

2008-11-22T05:30:00.005+08:00

It's never a good thing when you realised it's 5 in the morning and you're still not asleep yet.

I usually do not edit or remove entries from my blog because I believe that what happened yesterday made us who we are today but however, recent changes to my life has forced me to reevaluate that statement and thus, I've arrived at the conclusion that a simple shifting of "address" would suffice.

Today marked the end of the biggest local exercise for the Navy for the year; it also signified the end of the biggest and best roller-coaster relationship (the word 'relationship' here is actually stretching it a little) I've had till date.

"Rest, stocktake & count my blessings."

As draining and demanding this sailing was, I actually made time to think through the past year, seeing as how we're entering December now - my birthday and the end of 2008.

I've had quite a few 'scandals' ever since I've enlisted, all except the last were doomed right from the start. Of these, I became very good friends with 1, not talking to 2 of them and for the remaining 2, they remained scandals-of-the-past-season, almost not worth mentioning.

The last most recent one is and has been by far, the most heartwarming and promising one. I must say this, although things have come to an end, throughout the entire 2008, not taking into account the month of December, I was at my happiest and had enjoyed myself the most this past 4 weeks.

I cannot say things came as a total shock for along the way of the last few days, there had been signs and symptoms, hinting to me the coming of a finale. Yet I cannot deny that when it finally hit, for all I had prepared myself, the feeling of lost and the heartache was still overwhelming. I know myself well (for having went through upteem rejections) and as I sit in front of my PC now typing away on my keyboard calmly, my body and mind is currently still in 'denial-and-delayed-mode'; I usually take a while for things to sink into reality and therefore before all the tears and drama surface, I must quickly put all these down in words else I may have zero shred of dignity left to do anything sensible.

God, why oh why did you leave me high and dry?? 3 years ago you denied me of all my earthly treasures, threw me into a situation which effectively forced me to grow up overnight and a year later, you took away one of the 2 women I've ever loved and will ever love most in the world, even more effectively driving me away from you. Right now for the very first time when I plucked up the courage to come back to you and ask for something so forbidden, it appeared as though you had granted it to me, only to strip me of it after mere weeks. Or perhaps, as the very thought crosses my mind right now, it was not you who gave it to me but someone else, someone whom we know all too well. Then again, are we here to argue that were you not the one who allowed everything in the first place??

I had plans, plans for us, plans for my birthday (and that included a $500++ per night stay at some Sentosa a certain Sanctuary Resort suite, money down the drain) and plans for us to go overseas together for a holiday. I saw us going a long way; heck I could even envision us together 15 years into the future, me cooking in the kitchen and you doing the laundry and on a lazy weekend morning, we'll do what I love best (which was the very thing Huiting did with JianChang, and no it's not what you all itchy-minded fellows think), we'll go to Cold Storage together and shop for groceries, pushing a trolley down the aisle.

Maybe this is what was too scary about me, driving you away with all my talk of wanting to get married and settle down.

People keep saying I'm young; I should enjoy and have fun. But I know very clearly who I want, what I want, how I want it and what kind of lifestyle I want to lead and yes, this 20 year old here craves nothing more than stability and security.

Yes, I'm only 20!! Under the laws of Singapore I'm not even an adult yet, and to all my dear friends who keep forgetting that I can only officially watch the Saw franchise in theatres in 2 weeks time, for all my "chao-lao" facial features and being made to mature ahead of time, I'm still only a small boy at heart. I am a hopeless romantic and I want my happily ever after.

Remember what I wrote in the 10th November entry - have I really came out of this wiser and stronger??

A good friend of mine once asked me this on Mt Emily:

Y: So who is taking care of Albert at home?
B: Hmm, my mum lor. She's the one who essentially looks after all my daily needs.
Y: Ya, but I mean who is really taking care of Albert?
B: Oh... (thereafter, a period of silence followed)

A mentor of mine said to me in the past that if you are not ready for a relationship, do not even date or start anything, do not even say or do anything because you will only be hurting the other party.

If all the things you ever said to me were true, why is it that I have this nagging feeling at the back of my head that you're not affected at all and I'm the only one who's hurting here.

It's 7:03am now, 12 hours since I received that fateful sms, 19 hours since I've been awake.

You said, "well you should know, where you go, I will be there"; but you are no longer there tomorrow...

2008-11-13T23:08:00.002+08:00

C: I thought of going to the bar after that
B: haha please don't tell me there's another birthday
C: nope
C: a surprise

and then C proceeded to tell me what's the surprise

B: ermm was that supposed to be the surprise?? lol
B: cause you just said it to me
C: haha
C: then no more surprise lor

(-__-!!)

2008-11-12T21:15:00.003+08:00

I've no idea why do I have this recent fascination about marriage or getting married (maybe it's partly LiJiao & Chongyi's fault or definitely all Huiting & JianChang's fault).

The last episode of "Steps" or better known as "Wu Dong Quan Cheng" featured this highly cliched proposing scene in which the male lead - Ah Jun proposed to the female lead - XinYing in a romantic scenario with fake snow flying through the air and through their hair and then they all hugged and danced and supposedly shall continue to live happily ever after yada yada yada. Point is as cliched and predictable as it was, I was smiling from ear to ear and possibly the back of my skull throughout.

Hmmm so random right; on another note, J.S.Lee posted a video of MSNBC Keith Olbermann's comments on Prop 8 & marriage.

"because this isn't about yelling and this isn't about politics, this is about the human heart and if that sounds corny, so be it"

"in a time of impermanence and fly-by-night relationships, these people over here want the same chance at permanence and happiness that is your option, they don't wanna deny you yours, they don't want to take anything away from you, they want what you want, a chance to be a little less alone in the world"

p.s. I must really give it to Leo, he's probably one of my few friends who not only know but also remember koda and dory

2008-11-10T22:33:00.003+08:00

I'm such a plagiariser; I plagiarised my own work. I didn't realised that I had already used the 'treasure' metaphor before on Oct 22nd and I used it again last Thursday. Haha.

Anyway, my cousin dropped by today with her two darling daughters, incidently my two favourite nieces in the world too (because I only have two nieces anyway). But Reiko is really very sweet - almost everytime when she sees me she will say to me, "Ah Gu, you're very handsome". And her mother swears she did not teach Reiko how to say that. Oh God, what an angel!!

I tried to capture some moments of the two of them playing at my house today in which I failed terribly so therefore, I shall substitute with this photo that I 'stole' from Facebook.

Reflection

~ you don't just find a husband or a wife, you find someone whom you like a lot and will in time to come, love one day and hope that the two of you can grow old together...

nobody said that all love stories will have a fairytale ending, but by the time the book reaches 'The End', it's more important to have come out of it stronger and wiser.

we learn and grow...

2008-11-09T21:15:00.003+08:00

They say women forget the pain of childbirth after seeing and holding the lovely baby that they had carried for 9 months being delivered into the world; I had forgotten how it felt to be upset, lost and more crucially, jealous after a year and a half. I never thought the day would come so soon that I'd wake up and not be smiling, having since been smiling constantly for the past 20 days. Even Freddy could tell that I was genuinely happy, not just I-am-eating-B&J's-happy and we did not even speak face to face, it was over cyberspace.

At the end of the day, I realised it's my own stupidity and insecurity that screwed everything up. It's my own baggage, something that I should deal with on my own, not dump it onto someone else and let it become a burden.

(And I really have no idea why am I behaving in this manner, it's horrible actually - a grown man at 21 being insecure. Perhaps I should have carried my blanket around with me.)

Trust isn't given overnight, it's built overtime.

I know my one of my greatest flaw, other than having a toxic tongue, is being presumptuous and presumptive. And it's really kind of pathetic to be self-sympathetic. I had lots of great plans for my birthday in December, plans that include stuff like holding it either at home or at a chalet, hosting a dinner party at some fancy restaurant, having a blast at St James and most important of all, booking a suite for that special someone and me; guess I may have to cancel that reservation now.

Lesson learnt:
Getting physical or intimate isn't always a sign of affection. The line is crossed when it felt like the person is possessive instead of being loving. And the next time some would-be rival crosses my path, it's more tactful and gracious to simply joke and say, "great ass huh". Alright guys you can all stop scolding me now.

2008-11-06T02:18:00.002+08:00

I've found the pot of gold at the foot of the rainbow.
But it's only through appreciation and consideration will the precious metal shine.
Because what is given must be treasured.

And this means that I will treasure you.

2008-11-04T22:38:00.004+08:00

Previously on Bert's Song...

Edwin started a 'matchmaking' agency.

Thomas made a startling move.
Jayden made a bold move.

Leo is coming back into the picture.

J & K are still happily together.

A new character enters the fold and Albert??
He found love... ...

***

It's been such a tumultuous week; I don't even know where to start. I really believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe that I was where I ended up at a certain time for no coincidences. I don't think it's by chance that my off-day was postponed so many times until it ended up being on a Monday, which was originally the day that I had requested for. Pardon me for being dramatic, because if I did not had my Monday off, I would not have been where I was on Sunday night and then the wheels of destiny would not have clicked into motion. (LOL that was so cheesy!!)

***

Love advice from me for Thomas, Edwin, Leo, Jayden and whoever else is listening:

'Nothing ventured, nothing gained."

If I hadn't taken the first step and asked Edwin & Jowy to help me make my first step happen, I would probably still be standing beneath the podium looking up. I've never lost faith in love, albeit there have been misses and misgivings along the way but if you just looked at the way I kept trying, you would realised that I never stopped looking. And neither should any of you.

***

Love advice for me from Edwin:

It's always a brand new and different ball game. I quote, "you've fallen so often that you've forgotten how it feels like to be standing". It's been so long since my last relationship that I've forgotten how it feels like to accomodate someone else and that things are no longer just about me. There are two of us now.

Of course having said all this, I'm still currently single but just that I'm no longer available. I practice what I like to call 'mutually exclusive dating', think of it as a premature form of monogamy. In simpler terms, I'm seeing one person and one person only.

***

To Shuya,

I'm not a good person and I know that; I have my sins and flaws. Sometimes I feel that it's as if I do not deserve to be happy; thanks for reminding me that I should not think that way. I can get rather insecure but I realised that I need to deal with my own insecurities instead of constantly living in fear that I will 'jinx' myself.

***

I've found, or rather I've been given someone thoughtful, caring, sweet, romantic and simply fabulous. And for this I'm greatly thankful. Thank you God. (I can sense that Fiana wants to kill me now.)

***

I'm really sorry if it seems like I'm suffocating you. I keep reminding myself that I need to restraint and go slowly instead of charging full speed ahead but I guess sometimes I let my heart gets to my head.

To me a relationship is like a 3-legged table - honesty, communication & space; the lack of any one leg will only cause the table to crumble. I've forgotten that we both need our space and more importantly, you need your space. I apologise for not considering about your feelings. Above all, I should have asked.

2008-10-26T20:13:00.003+08:00

Huiting, please stop copying what I did for Valentine's Day!! Yes it's super fun and ultra romantic to walk down the aisle (supermarket aisle lar) together, pushing the big big trolley and loading it with all the handpicked ingredients and food and then bringing it all back home to cook a wonderful meal together.

Anyway, just wanted to drop something quick before I head out. Leo said something to me yesterday that has been going around in my head for a bit, he has this friend who supposedly is rather innocent and simple, has a very simple character and leads a very simple lifestyle. Nothing at all like the life we have and that started me thinking; since I cannot remember when, nothing has ever been simple for me.

Whatever happened to just enjoying the simple company of someone else?? Must there always be an agenda?? Why is it that when one goes out with someone of the opposite gender, it becomes like a prospective date instead of just a simple night out?? Samuel once said this, although I think he himself have forgotten he said this and I think I also mentioned it once before, that there can be no disappointment if there are no expectations.

Albert think about this, whatever happened to simply making friends?? Must each and every one of them be a skirt that you must chase?? A greedy person will only die of choking.

Anyhow, having said all that, one of the biggest party of the season is on tonight and I'm heading out soon. Hopefully tonight will be good, fun and fruitful all at the same time. If not, I should seriously consider to start eating grass soon.

Sigh Albert ar Albert, why is that you always only know how to talk but never listen.

the september girls' belated birthday celebration

2008-10-22T22:50:00.006+08:00

Here's a little something to ponder upon...

Say you found a treasure or something which you hope to be a piece of treasure very much and you have come to learn to cherish it (because only a fool would not learn from past mistakes) or hopefully, you will be able to have the chance to cherish it. Question is, just how much is enough or will too much rubbing dull the shine instead of brightening it?? And isn't it being a little presumptuous when you don't even know will the treasure be yours or not??

On a lighter note...

Finally got the photos of the september girl's mini-belated-birthday-celebration at Kayan's place, photos courtesy of Kayan of course.

Lijiao & I with a bag that took us super long to find and we had to trek all over Orchard Road before finally deciding on one at Takashimaya.

Huiting with her Chanel lipgloss and Anna Sui perfume. Don't worry girl, you still smell and look wonderful without the makeup; it only accentuates your already pretty features (it's either say this or let Toolbox kill me, haha).

What can I say?? We have good taste in picking out Shuya's Fossil watch.

This photo is redundant, other than to showcase more of me although Huixian has no idea who or which is the main focus, the Wii controller, the Sakae leftovers or me??

2008-10-20T20:53:00.003+08:00

My mind has been on the whole matter the entire day. Yesterday had a ball of a time with Edwin, Thomas, Jason, Melvin, Clarence and Kenzo at the party; Kevin was with me earlier at Eugene's birthday celebration but he was tired so he went home instead. Needless to say the fashion show was fabulous and everyone had great fun although I suspect that I must be the one who had the best time (for obvious reasons).

I'm a mess, my mind's a mess now and I don't know what to do although honestly, I don't think there is anything I can do or should do. I know myself very well and when something like this comes along, my head will be trying very hard to restraint myself because my heart will be trying to make me rush out like a spanish bull that just saw a waving red flag.

Slow down. Slow down. Breathe.

Reminder to Albert from Albert: please stop "hu si luan xiang-ing", otherwise you will only end up "jinxing" yourself like how you use to.

Sometimes matters of the heart are really unusual. There I was still hung up and ranting on and on and all then all of a sudden, my heart altered course. Hmm technically that's not a hundred percent true. Sigh, this is all very confusing. (*shaking head)

I need to untie my own "xin-jie" first.

Dear God,

I know I've been bad and I haven't been coming to you and asking you for something now should not and never be the way. But if you would allow and give me this, I promise I'll be good. This is no rebound, I will not commit any of those mistakes which I did before and I will not screw this up. I need to learn patience. But if it's not meant to be, please let me understand why. I thank you God.

Your Son

2008-10-19T16:53:00.002+08:00

12 hours later...

I shall endeavour to stand up (not in that sense) and start afresh. I know, I know, I've said it so many times already it's getting old but I always seem to fail and then get all emo and grouchy but c'mon, no fault for determination right??

I shall rest and play hard for the remaining of this weekend cum break and then when i return to work on Tuesday, I will work hard to justify my playing-hard and I will continue to work hard because life does not revolves only around playing hard.

I have friends who love me for who I am, actually I also have friends who love me but they don't exactly know who I really am, so those who have come to accept me for being truly me, they are the ones whom I'm truly blessed to have and I thank them. And I also have a doting mother and I have a wonderful and beautiful family. I'm in good health and maybe I do not exactly have much of a career now but hey at least I'm employed. Therefore, love life or no love life, I have no reason to be sad and every reason to be gay (happy gay la, what were you thinking).

I shall keep that in mind everyday I wake up, unless of course I'm made too grouchy by the lack of sleep. Remember what Yang said: "you can be happy".

It seems ironic but even though I've given you this add before, I know it's not significant enough for you to put it on your mind. Therefore I can write away without you finding out, although I admit at the back of my mind, there is a small hope that you will one day see all this and know how I feel but perhaps by then, you'd have been too late, it'd have been all over and I'd have become happy. I broke my rule yesterday for not contacting you and I shall endeavour the feat again until the day you've truly left my world (and all this time, my heart is still screaming for you not to).

It's been 1 day since I last heard from you... ...

2008-10-19T05:11:00.003+08:00

It's 5 in the morning, just got home from clubbing. I'm supposed to get up in just a couple of hours time to attend my department officer's housewarming cum his baby girls' first month celebration but after I lied down on my bed, I realised as tired as I am, I couldn't fall asleep. Because my entire mind was filled with you.

Technically speaking, it was not really a clubbing night for me because after watching the movie with the guys, I spent more time walking around the streets and queueing as compared to really dancing and I did not even drink.

I believe in Fate. I believe that there is a higher power, just as I believe that there is God. But most importantly, I believe that there is a reason for everything, a reason for why I (everyone) went to a certain school, attended a certain CCA, hung out with certain friends, like certain things, and be at certain places at a certain time; it all boils down to I believe there is a reason for every choice we make and a reason for why we are a certain kind of person with certain kinds of personality and preferences.

For the entire evening, I actually successfully kept you out of my mind; that is until Edwin mentioned your name (don't worry, there is no blame here). As the saying goes, cliche but apt, my heart sank immediately.

I believe that there was a reason for Edwin to have mentioned you right before I spotted you along the streets, I believe that it was no coincidence that I was there to see you before my eyes and I believe that it was no luck that I returned to the club alone and ahead of the others just to see you leave.

I know Shuya is probably going to scold me after reading this for I did something which I know I should not have done and I am not exactly proud of but fact is, I done it. I'm sorry but seeing you leave alone without all your friends and suspecting that your handphone's battery did not run flat but you had switched it off on purpose, I followed you. Call me a stalker, throw rotten eggs at me or spray on my wall or whatever but I only did what my heart AND head told me to do at the moment. I acted and it was to see where you were headed.

I know I'm a foolish guy. I can definitely articulate or put across in words the various reasons of me liking you and what attracted you to me but I cannot explain why am I feeling this so strongly or why am I still not able to let go. Sometimes I just need one tight slap to wake up and I thought I had already been slapped last Saturday but apparently either I need one more slap or the last slap was not hard enough.

When I fall for someone, it will take me ages to fall out of it. Just take a look at YH (whom I've always considered was my first true one-sided love), I took more than a year to let go; or the various Js, I had to see a counsellor in the end. I cannot remember the last time I did something bad like stalking that person, probably it was one of the first few girls I liked back when I was in Secondary 1 (just in case and to clarify, it was the one who lived at Kallang and I would wait at Kallang Mac for many days).

Yesterday night I did something terrible. I actually went out to meet someone and upon seeing said person for the first time, I was struck by the resemblance that you two shared. Granted it is not really a big resemblance but the build, the height, the age, the facial features and the mannerisms were there. And so I did a very evil thing, the entire night I kept picturing that person as you.

Truth is, I know you are not entirely 'disinterested' in me, if not we would not have went out together twice and the messages you sent to me before I left for Darwin and the one when I said I couldn't attend your birthday party and that time when you thought I was going to sail for a long trip again shows otherwise. But why is it that I am always the one to have to initiate contact with you or ask you out?? Why is it that after I tell myself to stop talking to you, you really did not bother about me?? Surely there must be a logical explanation for everything?? My friends keep telling me to let go and they try to comfort me by saying stuff like "I'll find someone else" but they do not see where I am coming from.

Whatever happened to "just you and me will do"??

2008-10-17T22:58:00.002+08:00

Is anyone familiar with the song "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face", first sang and popularized by Roberta Flack, recently covered by one of my favourite artistes Leona Lewis. Someone in cyberspace out there used this song to create a music video of this Korean movie that I liked very much and although I've always found the movie touching, watching it again tonight made me feel more. There is this scene in the movie in which the male lead said:

"is it because I'm not rich enough?? I'll work hard
is it because I'm not smart enough?? I'll study hard
is it because I'm dirty?? I'll stay faithful to you only"

It's been 6 days since I last heard from you... ...

Albert Bunny

2008-10-16T21:57:00.002+08:00

Remember last week when I was having such a bad time at work and at home?? My friend Jayden managed to convince me to go watch House Bunny with him and it's been quite some time since Mama Mia after I came back from Darwin so I thought why not, could be good to watch some bimbotic comedy and have a few good laughs. Turns out that House Bunny ain't that bimbotic after all.

True, Anna Faris (Scary Movie) playing the role of Shelley Darlington may seem like your usual typical pretty dumb blonde, plus the fact that she's a Playboy Bunny in the movie doesn't quite seem to add any points to her whole intellectual outlook, but towards the end of the film, there was a scene in which she delivers a speech that came totally straight and sincerely from the bottom of her heart and there was a scene earlier in the movie that really hit me.

Shelley, as the house mother of an initial bunch of clueless and unglamorous sorority girls, managed to educate the girls and gave them such a makeover that all the girls became hot, sassy and sexy 'chicks'. But in the scene where the 7 girls were selecting which freshmen to invite to join their house, one of them realised that in making themselves prettier and popular, they have lost sight of who they really were (or who they use to be) and in fact, became just like the group of girls from an opposing sorority house - girls who judged other girls based on looks and family background.

Now I know I'm no gorgeous hunk or handsome stud but allow me some ego la, at least I think I look decent with my 2 eyes, 1 nose, 1 mouth and 2 ears. Anyway Jerald gave me a 7 out of 10 on the Scale so I think I pass la.

Point is, I did not use to wear contacts and to be honest, ever since I started to shed my nerdy-spectacled image, I suddenly became visible again. I mean that when I go to the clubs, it's almost as if all of a sudden, by removing my glasses, at the same time I removed this veil that had kept me from being visible to the world. Now, people look at me when I enter the club; I'm no head-turner but at least now people notice me. (Or maybe I just became so much more uglier people thought how come I was not dragged back during the 7th month.)

And I spend so much time preening myself in front of the mirror and putting in so much effort when it comes to facial care and making sure my shoes match my shirt and my button match my belt buckle and that tread hanging out from the side of my pants is cut away blah blah blah, I suddenly realised that I have no idea what am I doing it for or why am I even doing it in the first place?? Have looks really replaced the position of inner beauty, did my shirt from that designer label became more important than my character?? Does it really matters that the next time I enter a club or walk through the doors to a party, I make sure people see me and that their line of sight will continue to train on me. If somebody only likes me just because I'm wearing contacts and not spectacles, just who did that somebody fall for??

After saying so much, really the more important questions are: what comes next?? Where do I draw the line between being well-groomed and just pure 'hiao'?? Will there be any changes that I shall have to make?? Have I really lost myself?? Or perhaps deep within me, I have all along been this way - the pot they call vain.

It's been 5 days since I last heard from you... ...

2008-10-14T22:33:00.003+08:00

Although more often than not I think Samuel is actually quite the bimbo (haha no la just kidding), there is something that he once said or rather, he wrote it in his msn nick if I'm not mistaken and it goes something like this: "there can be no disappointments if there are no expectations".

Whatever happened to "just you and me will do"??

weekend

2008-10-12T20:11:00.010+08:00

A Nation in Concert (ANIC) 2008: Wish Upon a Sea Star. That is the name of the concert I caught over the weekend at the Victoria Theatre. It's a charity extravaganza aimed at promoting more awareness of various organizations such as the "Singapore Association for the Deaf", "Singapore Association of the Visually Handicapped", "Association for Persons with Special Needs" and the "Handicaps Welfare Association" and it provides a platform for all people to showcase their talent and abilities.

Well to be honest when I first heard of ANIC, it was not the purpose behind the show that drawn me to it. Rather, I had wanted to catch the show because of the cast and I have always been one to enjoy musicals. But little did I know that towards the end of the night, not only was I extremely glad to be present for ANIC 2008, I told myself that even if they had raised the ticket prices, I would still have attended the concert. (Now I know why Huiting likes to be involved in charity work so much.)

The whole concept and show is just so (and I quote) "wonderful, beautiful, colourful and meaningful". My friends did not appeared to have enjoyed the concert as much as I did and true, to a certain extent I agree with them that it was in no manner an A-grade show and a lot of the so-called professional artistes gave a lacklustre performance but I personally felt that the best performers on stage that night were the volunteers that had disabilities. You can also see that their items were the ones that garnered the most applause from the audience. They really showed us that given the right opportunities, they can do what normal people can do too, and sometimes even better.

Perhaps one might say that being a show ran entirely by volunteers, which means that nobody is going to receive a paycheck at the end of all 3 shows, not everyone would have devoted their heart and soul into the act but I chose to believe in the better nature of people and that for such a great cause, a lot of time and effort must have went into the entire production and all performers on stage really gave a hundred percent albeit there being no monetary remuneration.

Of couse having said that, the show is not without its stars. Karen Tan playing the role of Hannah Hammerhead Shark the 'civil servant' in the story was fantastic and hilarious. Her lines packed a punch and her timing was immaculate. Terence Tay as Clarence the Clownfish was simply fabulous in being the clown. He was adorable, funny and absolutely entertaining. And he makes you want to kill him because he looks too young and good to be true.

Oh and I learnt a new term tonight. There are no disabled people, they are only differently-abled.

On a side note: throughout the show, the characters were echoing the fact that just because some of them are different does not mean they shld be treated differently. Crabs, prawns and snails should be given the same privileges and entitlements as fishes even though they have no fins. Of course I know they were referring to people with physical handicaps but with almost the entire cast being 'aj', I couldn't help but wonder were Jonathan Lim and Desmond Sim trying to put across another different underlying hidden message, if you catch my drift.

Rushed over to E's birthday party with Edwin after the concert and stayed there for about an hour before leaving to pick Eddy up and then joining the rest of the gang at the club. Nothing much to say about the party; not because there isn't anything for me to say but because my heart is too 'broken' to want to say much. Thus, I shall remain silent. (Actually I already sent my grievances out via SMS to my own 'gossip girl' network the moment I left Punggol).

Anyway, almost the entire gang was present with the exception of Jackson who went home earlier because he was too tired from work and stuff. Initially we wanted to go to Tabs but we were kept waiting and Edwin got angry at the door bitches and so we decided to proceed back to P along with Thomas, Jason Lim, Leo, Elmo and surprise surprise, they picked up Calvin aka pht along the way. Kevin joined us too even though we kept telling him not to spend the extra cab fare to rush back down. (Honey we really would not have been angry even if you had decided to stay home.)

Dancing halfway through, I commented to Eddy that we really felt like we belonged here but him and Edwin countered by saying that Fabulous is still our primary home (I think it's simply because Fab is preferred and the best) and so I said that P shall be our secondary home then. For some unknown reasons I've never really took to Tabs, except for Handbag night. It could be the music, or the crowd or both the music and the crowd. Nevermind.

Kinda miss having Jackson around; now I think I know how Vincent must have felt when I got attached 2 years ago. For most of us, if not balanced properly, the best friend usually ceased being the best friend when the partner comes along and I was so blind to the whole thing until I read Vincent's blog, not realising that I had lost one of my best friends when one day, he found himself being unable to talk to me because of all the events that had transpired.

I know people change and life changes (blah blah blah) and everyone must keep moving on but still, there's always a tinge of sadness when you realised things are no longer the same as it was yesterday. I'm really happy for Jackson that he found his significant other half and truth be told, he actually balanced things a lot more better than I had. And I still see him almost as often as I see the rest of the guys but we just got less closer and he and Thomas seemed to have been integrated into Chuan Wei, Terence and Gerald's group during the various months I was absent due to sailings. I guess that's part and parcel of my job, things are sacrificed in my field.

I have no idea why did I decide to go in the end. It was last minute and the timing was bad and it was so rushed and the rest keep telling me not to go and waste my time and even your friend said he did not really have to go although he promised to host the games for you because he's really only going for my sake. (Although I suspect that in order to give you 'face', he would have still went to show face for a while, host games or no host games, my sake or no my sake.)

Because it was a paid event that clashed with your party, I said no in the first place but if it had been some other sort of stuff, people who know me would also know that for you, at the risk of angering my friends or whoever else I originally had appointments with, I'd have cancelled all my plans just to make it there for you. But when I was finally there, heart-pounding and nervous and all (your friend chided me for the heart-pounding part), sigh... ...

You had me and after being single for so long, I was ready to give you my heart and soul. You had me, but I was not treasured.

Happy Birthday. In 2 days I will message you one last time and from then onwards, your number will cease to exist in my phone. You had me, but not anymore.

10 Bad Events

2008-10-07T21:45:00.004+08:00

I have no idea which "broomstick star" did I offend or what evil have I committed for my week (and weekend) to turn out so badly. In chronological order instead of the usual popularity chart, here are some of the 10 bad events that I was "karmaed" with.

#1 The computer has been "down" since last week and it's very frustrating because I'm no IT expert. Even right now I still haven't "cured" it completely yet.

#2 Dropped my W550i on Sunday morning right before heading out to meet some of my ship crew for the 10km "Run for Hope 08" event at East Coast park. Think the drop must have broke the phone's antenna.

#3 Couldn't reach my Mum the entire time when I was at Esprit buying my niece Reiko's birthday present (cause I left my member card with her). Got totally frustrated because I know my phone is fine when I can still receive calls from others. Even borrowed the store's phone to call home but still could not get through. In the end I had to make the purchase without my member card.

#4 Wanted to take the free shuttle service back home but when I got to the bus stop, to my absolute horror, the bus took off right before my eyes. Waited for another hour or so before the next bus came and to top it off, it started pouring and got me all cold and wet and pathetic.

#5 Told myself to calm down before I reach home. Alas, it was in vain. The irony is, right the day before I actually told Shuya and Huiting not to quarrel with their mum or something and barely 24 hours later, I realised I should have heeded my own advice.

#6 Facing some family problems at the moment. Honestly, I'm just trying to be a good son to BOTH my Dad & my Mum but it seems like I'm caught in between because the two of them have differing views. Tried to find a solution to please both parties but in the end I gave up because my cousin Casey pointed out to me that there is no point in forcing any of them to do anything against their wishes. In the end I decided to go with my Mum's choice and then I felt so bad, as if I let my Dad down. Thank God for Casey who encouraged me.

#7 Was so tired that I overslept on Monday morning and had to take a cab to work. Been taking cabs to work recently and it isn't cheap to get to Tuas from Sengkang.

#8 Work today was super horrible and disgusting. As if overnight quartermaster duty isn't tiring enough, I had to get scolded by one of the chiefs this morning because apparently he wasn't satisfied with our (the junior ratings) performance. I argued that I had completed most of the basic tasks and chores yesterday night but he countered that those were not enough and that our standard has deteriorated tremendously. I felt bad that I'm partly responsible for getting the rest into trouble.

#9 Already the day started off badly; it got worse when I realised I had misplaced a classification "Secret" document.

#10 Apparently the pair of black havaianas with metallic logo which I got in Darwin is going to be launched locally soon. This signifies that in no time at all, I will see lots of people with the same slippers as me. And I think I actually bought it at a higher price.

Maybe at the end of everything it doesn't really feel like the world is coming to an end, or the poor have no rice to eat or there is a gaping hole over our heads due to global warming but when all these sort of small mundane bad stuff happens all at once, you'd wish that you had been the Ferrari driver who lost the Singapore GP.

gossipy girls wear lipstick from the jungle

2008-09-29T02:35:00.004+08:00

Sometimes thing are so ironic that you can't help but just smile inwardly (or cringe, whichever it is). Initially I thought I would be sailing for at least 3 out of 4 weekends but in the end, not only did I not sail for the first 2, my ship also just stayed in harbour on standby for the remaining 2. Of course I'm not complaining about the fact that I didn't have to sail. On the contrary, I'm very thankful but still. I felt like I wasted 2 days stuck in base. And so in order to counter against this, I dragged Edwin out to club with me (Thomas please come back soon so we can all do our usual saturday night out again).

Everybody knows Sex & The City and Desperate Housewives but I'm also totally hooked to Gossip Girl (courtesy of Ernie) and Lipstick Jungle. So to all my 'girls' and girlfriends, I strongly recommend this two shows, if only for the sake of watching the characters wear all those beautiful and fabulous clothes from the top labels.

2008-09-27T00:45:00.002+08:00

It really gets incredibly lonely.
My life, it's as if one can seriously honestly never really have it all.
Love, career, health, family, friends.
There will always be one component missing.
I have been single for so long.
All the way trying to build up what I had hoped would become a career.
But now I know that this is a job I would not want to stay in.
So I sacrificed love for work.
Even then, did I really suceed in work??
My achievements, are they testament to anything at all??
Suddenly I feel that work is spiralling down for me now.
Does that signify something else will get better??
Will love really come for me by the end of this year??
That was what the tarot master said.
Then again, he did also predict I will have 2 children.
Nonsense??
Assessment's coming next tuesday.
And I know with my performance today I'd only fail the whole team.
Today was the second time I came close to crying ever since joining Vengeance.
Not because I was scolded or disciplined.
But you cannot imagine the pressure or the disappointment I face.
True I may have been a crybaby when I was younger.
And I'm not afraid to admit that.
But in recent years my tears have left me.
Today I felt so terribly alone and helpless.
It was a time when I needed support, someone to hold me up.
Was there anyone beside me??
Was there anyone to give me a hug??
To kiss me and let me know that I'm loved.
To tell me not to worry and that everything will turn out fine.
Do I even need to say the answer to my question??
I'm not saying that I have no friends or that my friends are unimportant.
I'm also not sympathising myself.
I'm simply expressing my loneliness.
I remember the last time I was hugged to sleep.
Oh, so long ago.
True some of my friends call me a slut for the things I've been doing and the things I've done.
But hey, I think it takes a slut to know another slut.
Maybe there were times I went too far.
But at the end of the day, I only did not want to be alone.

moon is sweet

2008-09-24T22:24:00.004+08:00

Because I was lazy and didn't want the extra trouble of applying for camera clearance when I sailed to Kaoshiung, Taiwan & Darwin, Australia, I have almost no photos of myself for keepsakes except those I can find from my shipcrew's online albums and even for those, there aren't many pictures that included me. It was looking through JunJie's blog and viewing all those photos of his vacation in Taipei & HongKong that made me regret my laziness back then.

Honestly, there was another reason why I didn't bother with bringing a camera along. I'm not a guy who likes to snap photos of a singular me posed with my index and middle finger shaped like a "v" in front of some picturesque natural phenomenon or world-famous architectural landmarks. All my teenagehood I've always wanted to travel but with my partner. I want to be able to go shopping at Kowloon City, scuba dive at the Tioman Islands, feed kangaroos at Brisbane, drink bubble tea everyday in Taipei & visit New York one day, all with my partner.

Which brings me to the next issue that's been on my mind for the past few days, ever since having coffee together with Thomas, Edwin and his friends (which also happens to be a really cute couple) D & T. Ermm, wasn't that a subject we all took back in secondary school??

Anyhow, seeing D & T together ruffled a few feathers of mine. They absolutely FABULOUSLY topped my "Cutest Couple of the Century Chart", also known as the CCCC. They look so right together and they are so compatible and according to Edwin, the two of them gives a lot to the relationship & each other. And do you know what else is great?? D & T are actually going to take a holiday together at the end of this year during the Christmas season. So there I was thinking Thomas & his Mascara are the cutest or maybe Hamster & his WenWen could have gave them a run for their money but no, I officially crown D & T the champion, or at least until the next couple comes along to kick them off the throne.

And did I mention I want to take a holiday together with my partner?? Make it a honeymoon la.

p.s. Dear Edwin, in order to take over as top CC on my CCCC, you must mate with mooncake-BMW. I mean date, date with mooncake-BMW.

insurance

2008-09-24T00:29:00.003+08:00

Just when I keep telling myself and the "girls" that I want to close your file, you turn sweet all of a sudden. It's almost as if you have the uncanny ability to completely manipulate me (no please do not misunderstand, I'm not saying you're doing this on purpose) and guess what, I don't really mind. For days you will be unreachable or out of touch and then suddenly, you'll be there again. Maybe this is the way things will turn out to be (that is, if things do turn out to be) - that you're so busy working & I'm so busy sailing that the best you can give is only this little bit of your time and that I just have to contend myself with it.

Edwin keep telling me to ask myself this question, "is it worth it??" Honestly, for some time now I've been telling myself that I deserve better and that I've been waiting for people since I was 13!! I'm not about to go waste my entire youth (which is fast running out, kids no longer call me kor kor anymore) waiting and waiting and waiting.

I will still be here tomorrow, but I won't be here forever.

p.s. you know how sometimes when a sms comes in you will KNOW who the message sender is or who just replied you, well that happened tonight. somehow I knew that it was you. coincidence?? go figure..

i gotta get out

2008-09-22T22:08:00.002+08:00

I do not know what scares me more, the fact that people out there actually remembers my blog or the fact that for the past 2 years they have actually been making (assumed irregular) visits to my blog. Honestly, I was totally caught off guard by Wei En and Kai En when I realised they have been "spying" on me. (LOL!!) And ditto fiana, the last time I blogged was in 2006 too.

Anyway according to Jackson, I'm the typical Sagittarius who not only doesn't mind but also believes that every little bit of detail of his life can be & should be shared with his friends around him. Thus, I realised sometimes I go too far and ruthlessly download my every "xi, nu, ai, le" onto my loved ones. And as what I told Yang (actually I recall I may have said something similar to Fiana & Vinc too), I know my friends definitely wouldn't mind (because they love me) listening to me moan about that cutie or grumble about work or bitch unscrupulously about that bitch but in the long run, I don't want my friends to be burdened by my troubles or my woes or my whatever. Ya. I know it's not always about ME but hey, I'm a self-absorbed vainpot.

Plus, ever since leaving OC & moving on from the reliance on Yang's advices, I've been left without a conduit for my constantly tumultuous emotions. My mental state began downsliding and it was only a matter of time before I started singing like Rihanna in her latest single - Disturbia. (It's a shame I can't dance like her though but I do know 2 other somebodies who can dance like Beyonce.)

My grey-matter therefore slowly began to source for an avenue for me to air my grievances and at the same time, polish my grammar skills and it came as no surprise to myself when I realised it's about time I revived Bert's Song.

So yes, bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum.

2006-12-11T02:36:00.000+08:00

Today is your birthday, a day not just about cakes.
A day much more to take; presents, wishes or, whatever that's played.
Life is just a game, that we loses day by day; victory only draws near when the player has some faith.

This is the time to recreate; a new hope or fate.
I vividly remember on those dates, walking briskly by the lake;
though all you wanted, was nothing more than a place to bake.

Life is filled with wonders, which helps to motivate,
surprises are always around, I'm waiting for you to open the crate.

Before I end this message, I have one last thing to say.
I enjoy sitting in front of "Colours By The Bay"
& I wish you a happy birthday.

My one-and-only wrote this for me on my birthday... ...

2006-11-23T03:50:00.000+08:00

My boyfriend's like a monk,
that stays in a little barn.
Though money is what he've none,
i enjoyed the way we had fun.

My wish is what he have grant,
a violin is what i've always want.
He never says that he can't,
even though he've to turn into a punk.

Patience is what that makes a monk,
i'm slowly turning into his nun.
Beautiful life, wonderful barn
together we live for years and months.

© Joshua'06

2006-11-21T01:30:00.000+08:00

life is such a haze and i'm trapped in a maze
after you whisper your crave, i find myself in a daze
i threw you into a cave, you survived with hope and faith

to kill you is my only mission
a job i realize i cannot question
death is something we do not mention
so we sit down quietly just to listen
listen to the sound of those with passion
sounds of those whom we do not mention

now do you understand what i'm saying
this is the fact that i have to stop hiding
love is tough when it comes to loving
life is hard when it comes to living
cause nothing can remain unchanging
unless your magical hands can just do something

it's not me that wants to give you up
but all i ever wanted was a hug
prolly you are expecting too much
like an overfilled homemade mug
i closed my eyes and shouted "fuck"
but deep inside i've not given you up
unless you nod your head and say "yup"

2006-11-17T03:04:00.000+08:00

I'd Rather - Luther Vandross

I thought sometime alone
was what we really needed
you said this time would hurt more than it helps
but I couldn't see that

I thought it was the end
of a beautiful story
and so I left the one I loved at home to be alone
and I tried to find out if this one thing is true
that I'm nothing without you
I know better now
and I've had a change of heart

I'd rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else
I'd rather be beside you in a storm, than safe and warm by myself
I'd rather have hard times together, than to have it easy apart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart

I can't blame you if you turn away from me
like I've done you
I can only prove the things I say with time
please be mine

I'd rather have the one who holds my heart

Happy one month baby.... ...

2006-11-10T01:45:00.000+08:00

Petals of Crysanthenum
Scattering misery unto the ground
Your smile faded as if discoloured
The heart breaks as the flower descends
As I hide my troubles in silence

The North wind disorientates
Dusk before dawn
Your shadow undispelled

Prolonging my solitude
Like the surface of the lake
As they merge in resemblance

A particular lovely jurassic creature wanted me to blog today and it so happened that after yesterday's marathon singing session (8 hours) at k box, this song by Jay Chou is still stuck in my head. Hence I thought, why not put it up here.

P.S. I didn't translate the above, my language power is but a shadow of what it use to be and so I kind of "stole" the above from a friend's blog. If you are reading this, please don't get mad at me okay. Heehee...

2006-11-07T01:29:00.000+08:00

At The Beginning by Richard Marx & Donna Lewis

We were strangers
Starting out on a journey
Never dreaming
What we'd have to go through
Now here we are
And I'm suddenly standing
At the beginning with you

No one told me
I was going to find you
Unexpected
What you did to my heart
When I lost hope
You were there to remind me
This is the start

Life is a road
And I want to keep going
Love is a river
I wanna keep flowing
Life is a road
Now and forever
Wonderful journey

I'll be there
When the world stops turning
I'll be there
When the storm is through
In the end I wanna be standing
At the beginning with you

We were strangers
On a crazy adventure
Never dreaming
How our dreams would come true
Now here we stand
Unafraid of the future
At the beginning with you

(chorus)

I knew there was somebody somewhere
Like me alone in the dark
Now I know my dream will live on
I've been waiting so long
Nothing's gonna tear us apart

(chorus)

Life is a road and I wanna keep going
Love is a river I wanna keep going on....
Starting out on a journey
Life is a road and I wanna going
Love is river I wanna keep flowing
In the end I wanna be standing
At the beginning with you.

I heard this on the radio just a while ago, it was Class95FM. I'm seriously missing someone right now. Baby, though you are not here with me, this is for you... ...

I'm sorry... ...