Sitting there having lunch with you was almost surreal, the entire place was rather dead, the early afternoon sun was shining on your face and we were surrounded by glass which gave the restaurant a rather futuristic feel. As usual we would talk and as always, more about you. Of course, I didn't really mind, until you became the (let me quote) insensitive, selfish and self-centered person you were. But after hearing you out, I felt happy for you, knowing that there is someone who loves & encourages you and you appreciated him and you were touched by him. With all my heart, I'd have been happy for you if you told me that you are happy being with him. Of course, you're still single and you are not with him considering you are geographically undesirable. Anyway, the point is, I'd be happy for you as long as you're happy.
At the end of the movie, when I turned and saw your tears, I wanted so much to be able to embrace you right there and then, to tell you that whatever the movie reminded you of or whatever moved you, it's all gonna be alright. Ironic, I always picture it being the other way around. Anway, you just told me that you cry easily and it was a good movie.
Sigh, today was a mistake. A long time ago, I wanted to be a part of your life, to hang out with you and your friends, to take away your burden of loneliness in the big apple, to understand you more and hopefully vice versa. As it'd seems, I still wanted to.
Actually I knew I did not get over you and I think you believed that I did. I knew you said I had to be mature enough to make the choice on my own and I honestly thought we could still hang out as mutual friends. Apparently, we did hang out as mutual friends. Only difference is, it opened my eyes to the fact that I still did not let go. I remember you said you wanted someone independent and over the years, I know I grew up and indeed became more independent. But still...
Today when we parted, I wanted so much for you to say stuff like, "you wanna come over to my place" or "you want to join me for clubbing tonight". Instead, I got a handshake. A formal handshake signalling goodbye and take care. At that moment, I knew I had really said goodbye to you.
Well, you probably won't miss me when you leave this sunday, knowing that once your semester starts you also start mugging. You didn't even ask me out and we would not have met up if I had not taken the initiative. I know I cancelled on you a few times in the past and well, I finally know how it felt to be cancelled on now.
You said, " different people look for different things". I know I was looking for you but you weren't doing the same.
I'm going to miss you. Again.
posted by bert @ 2:00 AM
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