it's the ironic & controversial rhapsody of an ambiguous bert

Reading my lecturer's blog and watching Jack Neo's "I'm Not Stupid Too" has started my gray matter thinking about parenthood and being a good father. Am I even going to start pondering questions like, "what makes a good father??" or "how does a loving father knows how to show his love correctly??" Well, I don't think so.

So anyway why do I feel the urge to blog about this subject, which by the way is "fatherhood". I guess it's because of everything that's been going on since my birthday last year. All of a sudden, I felt that I do not need a father.

For the past 10 years or so, my father has been flying around most of the time. True, that the reason he flies around is because he holds a job that needs him to. True also, that the reason he holds that job is because his family needs him to. But at the end of the day, we're all sinners and no one can be perfect, much less a perfect father. Being able to fulfill the material, pragmatic and realistic needs of his family, he has given up much on being a part of his children's lives.

Of course, one may say that this father loves his children so much that he is willing to take up a job that actually takes him away from his children, so that he can gives his children whatever they wish for. Honestly speaking, that is indeed the situation that my sisters and I are in. We can have almost anything we want. But however, I fear and worry the most for my youngest sister. Our father has missed being a part of her childhood the most. Ever since she was borned, she only sees our father say, 10 times a year each with time being around a week.

Jack Neo portrayed a father who loves his son so much he is willing to go on his knees and beg an old lady in the middle of the neighbourhood, in front of all present to ask her to give his son a chance. Another father died trying to save his son in a fight, literally.

My lecturer said this, that a father is always secretly proud of his son, that a father wants his son to be proud of him, that a son wants to be proud of his father too. However, I'm truly sorry to say that I'm no longer proud of my father. Is it too cruel to say that of my father, to disregard everything he has done for this family because of one mistake that he made. Is it even right?? Do I even have the right to say it?? Bear in mind that the mistake my father made almost wrecked my family and it's still hurting us now. I've no idea will my mum and my sisters ever heal.

My father erred but he's only a man. My mum needs her husband and my sisters need their father. I however, think I no longer do so.

posted by bert @ 9:50 PM