it's the ironic & controversial rhapsody of an ambiguous bert

Man are such helpless creatures. We are bounded by the physics of this earthly world, restricted by our own limitations and today I realised one important truth. There is a limit to the things that I can do. I tried so hard and gave so much but in the end, there is only emptiness. A space hollowed out from within me, created by another whom I allowed into my life.

The last time I felt this way over someone, it took me more than a year to walk out of it. The kind of cold sickening feeling you get in your guts when you look at a trigger of a sad memory, the horrid knowledge of your own helplessness and lack of control over so many things, the kind of dread you experience when you know you are about to cry.

Babies cry because they know that by crying, they get what they want. Adults cry because they know that even if they cry, they can no longer have what they want.

I cry at my own foolishness of knowing that no matter how hard I cry, I will not have what I want. I am sad and genuinely hurt, hence I cry and I am not ashamed about it. Everyone is entitled to being able to shed tears at their lowest low and to receive a hug and support from their loved ones. There is an upside to falling, it gives your family and friends a chance to catch you.

I am tired.

Sometimes I feel like I just want to curl up in a fetal position and cry myself to sleep. I guess it's about time I slow down, take a breather and think about my options. I can always find something else to fill up the empty space you created when you left. Or I can take a break and hope that I'd be able to recharge and refocus myself. Perhaps it's time I seek professional help from the medical world.

I discovered that not only did my mind not get any less distracted; I had also become more forgetful. My supervisor gave me a task to do last Wednesday before I go on my leave and I actually only remembered about it on Sunday night. Yesterday the same thing happened again and I only remembered his instructions today.

I feel that my days are getting from bad to worst. I missed out on going to Comex, therefore no mp3 player and speakers. Yesterday I lost my motorola handphone earpiece which means no more mp3 music until I go get a replacement. Furthermore, I dropped my V3i and then it got damaged. The handphone has lost its primary function as a phone because I can no longer hear the other party. It only works if I switched to loudspeaker mode and let the whole world hear my conversations or if i use my earpiece which I had already conveniently lost.

My dad also went to get my sister a new handphone, since she is a master at losing phones and she has lost her fourth one already and I was a little pissed especially because it was also the Sony Ericsson model that I wanted.

I probably will also not be able to get a PSP anymore and I will never have the chance to watch Forbidden City with you.


There was a bright side to my last weekend though. Sentosa had been real great fun. I had a really meaningful, enjoyable and fruitful time with my family. Breakfast was especially great not just because it's a buffet but more because I got to spend more quality time with my mum.

I got myself a tan as well from swimming and spending time at the beaches. The only disappointing thing was that we missed out on the attractions of the island. My uncle and aunty had a go on that new ski-thingy but I missed out on that. My cousins and I had also wanted to go to the new musical fountain but we did not have enough time. We did however, went for a drink at the Bikini Bar on the last night and this was the first time I went drinking with my cousins.

The family's getting bigger now that we have my cousin Wayne who is turning 7 next year, his younger brother Clint who just turned one, my two nieces, Reiko who is going to turn 3 soon and Reina who is only 5 months old. My only regret is that my grandma is no longer around to share all of this with us. I still miss her deeply every now and then. Going to develop a photo of me and her and put it by my bedside. Actually I had wanted to do this a long time ago but back then, I couldn't bear to look at her photos.

posted by bert @ 9:11 PM