23rd April marks a day of my life that I'll never forget, and I believe it applies to all my family members as well. You see, the one person I loved most in this world passed away on said day. I can remember the time too, it was evening around 7pm. And now 3 more days from the 1st monthly anniversary, it suddenly struck me that perhaps it's time I at least try to move on.
8 years ago on a trip to Gold Coast, Brisbane, Australia, I bought this rather cute keychain for her. It was a simple and nice dolphin keychain that I got from Seaworld and written on it was a single word - Grandma. Well of course my grandma did not understand English but the meaning was there. Sadly for the past 8 years, I've forgotten about this particular item.
I do not blame anyone, really, seriously and definitely. I felt no anger, just sadness. If I were writing this for a primary school composition, I'll probably describe myself in this manner - my cheeks flushed red, my vision blurred and I felt something burnt my throat.
A small simple object, yet it has became precious and priceless to me. Honestly, it was not as if I had never bought anything else for my grandmother over the years but this keychain was like my only inheritance from my grandma because it was not as if she left me anything else at all. Chinese customs dictate that we get rid of her belongings, some we cut up into pieces, some we burnt, but mostly clothes though. Apart from the few photos I had with her, there was almost nothing else left for me to remember her by. That was why I hanged the keychain on my back, because it had no photo on it, it would not cause me too much grief when I look at it and yet at the same time, it serves its purpose.
I recall the first few days of living without her. At the monastery when my family and I were preparing to collect her ashes, I actually wanted to ask my cousin "where is ah ma??" when I didn't see her among us. It hadn't really occurred to me that this was reality, that I had really lost her and she isn't coming back.
When I was little, I would always want to sit next to her and if I do not have my way, you can just imagine the ruckus a small boy can kick up in a public place. This little thing evolved into a family tradition that at family dinners, the only 2 people allowed to sit next to her were me and another male cousin of mine. Hence this few weeks, I felt lost when I realised that I can no longer sit next to her.
Oh this reminds me, I've yet to go get a photo frame for to put our picture. Perhaps it is just as well, I have no idea am I able to endure looking at her photo everyday or not.
People ask me why I had stopped praying or what do I want to pray for. I just ask myself, that is there anymore point in praying? Will praying bring her back? Will praying give her salvation? Do I still believe in my salvation?
Yes I do think I still believe that there is a God, but however is there anymore point or worth in following this God? I'd have given anything to have her back but we all know that it's impossible. When one is disappointed with God, we tend to ask whether is God unfair? Is God silent? Is God hidden?
Tonight, that small little pink keychain broke into two purely by accident. It seemed weird but when it happened, something within me just snapped.
Anyway, this is my last entry for my blog. Koda and dory have walked with me through so many heartbreaks and joys, tears and laughter, troughs and peaks, ups and downs. It just seemed right and natural that things here come to an end as well.
posted by bert @ 3:23 AM
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