it's the ironic & controversial rhapsody of an ambiguous bert

It's never a good thing when you realised it's 5 in the morning and you're still not asleep yet.

I usually do not edit or remove entries from my blog because I believe that what happened yesterday made us who we are today but however, recent changes to my life has forced me to reevaluate that statement and thus, I've arrived at the conclusion that a simple shifting of "address" would suffice.

Today marked the end of the biggest local exercise for the Navy for the year; it also signified the end of the biggest and best roller-coaster relationship (the word 'relationship' here is actually stretching it a little) I've had till date.

"Rest, stocktake & count my blessings."

As draining and demanding this sailing was, I actually made time to think through the past year, seeing as how we're entering December now - my birthday and the end of 2008.

I've had quite a few 'scandals' ever since I've enlisted, all except the last were doomed right from the start. Of these, I became very good friends with 1, not talking to 2 of them and for the remaining 2, they remained scandals-of-the-past-season, almost not worth mentioning.

The last most recent one is and has been by far, the most heartwarming and promising one. I must say this, although things have come to an end, throughout the entire 2008, not taking into account the month of December, I was at my happiest and had enjoyed myself the most this past 4 weeks.

I cannot say things came as a total shock for along the way of the last few days, there had been signs and symptoms, hinting to me the coming of a finale. Yet I cannot deny that when it finally hit, for all I had prepared myself, the feeling of lost and the heartache was still overwhelming. I know myself well (for having went through upteem rejections) and as I sit in front of my PC now typing away on my keyboard calmly, my body and mind is currently still in 'denial-and-delayed-mode'; I usually take a while for things to sink into reality and therefore before all the tears and drama surface, I must quickly put all these down in words else I may have zero shred of dignity left to do anything sensible.

God, why oh why did you leave me high and dry?? 3 years ago you denied me of all my earthly treasures, threw me into a situation which effectively forced me to grow up overnight and a year later, you took away one of the 2 women I've ever loved and will ever love most in the world, even more effectively driving me away from you. Right now for the very first time when I plucked up the courage to come back to you and ask for something so forbidden, it appeared as though you had granted it to me, only to strip me of it after mere weeks. Or perhaps, as the very thought crosses my mind right now, it was not you who gave it to me but someone else, someone whom we know all too well. Then again, are we here to argue that were you not the one who allowed everything in the first place??

I had plans, plans for us, plans for my birthday (and that included a $500++ per night stay at some Sentosa a certain Sanctuary Resort suite, money down the drain) and plans for us to go overseas together for a holiday. I saw us going a long way; heck I could even envision us together 15 years into the future, me cooking in the kitchen and you doing the laundry and on a lazy weekend morning, we'll do what I love best (which was the very thing Huiting did with JianChang, and no it's not what you all itchy-minded fellows think), we'll go to Cold Storage together and shop for groceries, pushing a trolley down the aisle.

Maybe this is what was too scary about me, driving you away with all my talk of wanting to get married and settle down.

People keep saying I'm young; I should enjoy and have fun. But I know very clearly who I want, what I want, how I want it and what kind of lifestyle I want to lead and yes, this 20 year old here craves nothing more than stability and security.

Yes, I'm only 20!! Under the laws of Singapore I'm not even an adult yet, and to all my dear friends who keep forgetting that I can only officially watch the Saw franchise in theatres in 2 weeks time, for all my "chao-lao" facial features and being made to mature ahead of time, I'm still only a small boy at heart. I am a hopeless romantic and I want my happily ever after.

Remember what I wrote in the 10th November entry - have I really came out of this wiser and stronger??

A good friend of mine once asked me this on Mt Emily:

Y: So who is taking care of Albert at home?
B: Hmm, my mum lor. She's the one who essentially looks after all my daily needs.
Y: Ya, but I mean who is really taking care of Albert?
B: Oh... (thereafter, a period of silence followed)

A mentor of mine said to me in the past that if you are not ready for a relationship, do not even date or start anything, do not even say or do anything because you will only be hurting the other party.

If all the things you ever said to me were true, why is it that I have this nagging feeling at the back of my head that you're not affected at all and I'm the only one who's hurting here.

It's 7:03am now, 12 hours since I received that fateful sms, 19 hours since I've been awake.



You said, "well you should know, where you go, I will be there"; but you are no longer there tomorrow...

posted by bert @ 5:30 AM