it's the ironic & controversial rhapsody of an ambiguous bert

I dreamt of you 2 nights ago. When I woke up, I could not remember the content of the dream but your face was there, vivid in my mind.

I'm slowly waiting for the reality to sink in, that no matter what, you are not going to be there. Here's a lesson learnt for everyone - do not ever make promises to a child if you cannot afford to keep it. You will not be there.

Nothing is working. Throughout the years, I've had some (if not a lot of) experience with heartbreaks and here's usually how I try to remedy myself, from the mildest to the most extreme:

1. Cry me an ocean. Which I had already done, my heart in pain, my tears driven by alcohol plus your favourite songs and my head on the shoulder of a dear friend.

2. Slowly let go and forget. Which is something that we can never truly accomplish because unless you contract sudden amnesia, the memories will most certainly not go away. It may fade, but it's there. All your friends will advise you to just let go and forget and let time heal your wounds and move on but I cannot do 'slowly move on' now, I need something fast. Obviously not working.

3. Hate. Which lead to the dark side. Unfortunately even hating you did not work because I can never bear myself to hate you. The minute I did, I lashed out and right after that, I regretted all my actions. Irreversible. Hate led to regret.

4. The Springboard. Which is cruel and should not be condoned. Using someone else as a rebound is wrong and it will only create a vicious cycle of hurt.

5. "Hotpot". Which is the most evil method up my sleeve and the worst one of all. I have used this successfully in the past but I'm not about to do it again unless I really become that desperate. (I can sense EC frowing at me now). I wonder how much longer can I hold up before I turn to this drastic measure.

The following statements stem from a self-sympathetic soul of a pathetic loser:

I'm hurt; no I'm not hurt. I'm devastated.

You have no idea the amount of pain you've inflicted on me.

When I saw you there laughing away with your friends and enjoying yourself, it occured to me that either you've already moved on that quickly or you did not even care at all in the first place. And I know what I felt was wrong because it's almost as if I wanted to see you as equally heartbroken as me, which should not be the case here because truly caring for you would be wanting you to be as happy as possible. Therefore, I put up a show - one that would not have escaped your attention.

I recall my meeting with the tarot card fortune teller Master Manfred back in Darwin. He said I would find love by the time the year comes to an end and I asked what do I have to do to find love. He replied saying that it's my time and I did not have to do anything, I shall simply need to wait.

Well come to think about it now, I did find love. Only thing is he did not promise that the love would stay.

posted by bert @ 4:52 AM