Technically speaking, it was not really a clubbing night for me because after watching the movie with the guys, I spent more time walking around the streets and queueing as compared to really dancing and I did not even drink.
I believe in Fate. I believe that there is a higher power, just as I believe that there is God. But most importantly, I believe that there is a reason for everything, a reason for why I (everyone) went to a certain school, attended a certain CCA, hung out with certain friends, like certain things, and be at certain places at a certain time; it all boils down to I believe there is a reason for every choice we make and a reason for why we are a certain kind of person with certain kinds of personality and preferences.
For the entire evening, I actually successfully kept you out of my mind; that is until Edwin mentioned your name (don't worry, there is no blame here). As the saying goes, cliche but apt, my heart sank immediately.
I believe that there was a reason for Edwin to have mentioned you right before I spotted you along the streets, I believe that it was no coincidence that I was there to see you before my eyes and I believe that it was no luck that I returned to the club alone and ahead of the others just to see you leave.
I know Shuya is probably going to scold me after reading this for I did something which I know I should not have done and I am not exactly proud of but fact is, I done it. I'm sorry but seeing you leave alone without all your friends and suspecting that your handphone's battery did not run flat but you had switched it off on purpose, I followed you. Call me a stalker, throw rotten eggs at me or spray on my wall or whatever but I only did what my heart AND head told me to do at the moment. I acted and it was to see where you were headed.
I know I'm a foolish guy. I can definitely articulate or put across in words the various reasons of me liking you and what attracted you to me but I cannot explain why am I feeling this so strongly or why am I still not able to let go. Sometimes I just need one tight slap to wake up and I thought I had already been slapped last Saturday but apparently either I need one more slap or the last slap was not hard enough.
When I fall for someone, it will take me ages to fall out of it. Just take a look at YH (whom I've always considered was my first true one-sided love), I took more than a year to let go; or the various Js, I had to see a counsellor in the end. I cannot remember the last time I did something bad like stalking that person, probably it was one of the first few girls I liked back when I was in Secondary 1 (just in case and to clarify, it was the one who lived at Kallang and I would wait at Kallang Mac for many days).
Yesterday night I did something terrible. I actually went out to meet someone and upon seeing said person for the first time, I was struck by the resemblance that you two shared. Granted it is not really a big resemblance but the build, the height, the age, the facial features and the mannerisms were there. And so I did a very evil thing, the entire night I kept picturing that person as you.
Truth is, I know you are not entirely 'disinterested' in me, if not we would not have went out together twice and the messages you sent to me before I left for Darwin and the one when I said I couldn't attend your birthday party and that time when you thought I was going to sail for a long trip again shows otherwise. But why is it that I am always the one to have to initiate contact with you or ask you out?? Why is it that after I tell myself to stop talking to you, you really did not bother about me?? Surely there must be a logical explanation for everything?? My friends keep telling me to let go and they try to comfort me by saying stuff like "I'll find someone else" but they do not see where I am coming from.
Whatever happened to "just you and me will do"??
posted by bert @ 5:11 AM
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