Honestly, I do not regret that I've spent the past 3 years with you guys. In fact, I really appreciate it and am grateful that I've had the opportunity. It has turned me into a better person and my sincere hope now is that I do not lose it because the past recent 2 months have actually seen my character spiraling downwards. Perhaps it's indeed true that a person who has been living in the light for so long and suddenly finds himself, by his own choice, without God in his life will change and not for the better. However, if I believe that if it's up to me to do something about it, then certainly matters will be different.
Of course, having been, or trying to be as much as possible, selfless and people-centered, it's tempting to want to become selfish and self-centered all over again. Obviously then the question is: will I rise to the bait or not?
Anyway if what fiana told me is true - that those who belongs to God, those whom He had chosen ultimately belongs to Him, then I'll be seeing you guys again, all bloodied, dirtied and miserable after dragging myself through the desert for 40 years. For now, just let me be stubborn and miserable, because I'm tired and it's frustrating to even struggle to stop struggling.
Because my problem is - I still cannot jump out of the hoop and convince myself that my life is not governed by a higher being, or rather The higher being. Only thing is, I'm choosing to shut my eyes and not acknowledge Him. I'm escaping, yes I'm well aware of that. Putting something into my cupboard and then closing the door, pretending that my cupboard is empty. I went through what each and every one of you must have gone through as well, though in different ways, because God disciplines those whom He loves, therefore we struggle. When one part of the body suffers, the whole body suffers along with it. Forgive me but I think I just picked the easier way out.
What is the difference between hanging at the edge of a cliff for 5 minutes, receiving no help or refusing help and then falling off and hanging at the edge of a cliff for 20 years, receiving no help or refusing help and then falling off? The answer is that it's the same end result. I may as well let go now.
posted by bert @ 11:52 PM
1 Comments:
the difference is one endured for 5 mins and another for 20 years.. perhaps the 20 years felt better when he (decides to) fall off knowing that no help came.. but perhaps the 5 mins felt better becos he's not so stupid to endure for 20 mins cos its the same anyway.. the thing, i think, is to respect your decision now.. and do what you want.. be faithful to yourself, whether "help" is there or not
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