it's the ironic & controversial rhapsody of an ambiguous bert

Lost perhaps??

Lost perhaps??

Am I having mood swings? The answer seemed clear to me initially but as I set about pondering the events of today, it occurred to me that albeit all precautions I had undertook, I am once again turning into that irritation animalistic persona. Oh you know that little prickly mammal with an inquisitive black nose and small beady eyes, that one we call a porcupine.

I was late for service this morning by ten minutes (oh what is new). Saw the front rows occupied with only seats left in the center and decided to save myself any possible embarrassment, I took a seat at the middle of Sanctuary and rendered myself quite invisible. It turned to be a blessing in disguise, if you look at it from this particular weird point of view of mine, because sy and hong actually sms me to inquire my whereabouts. Of course, I did not see the smses until after service and so did not reassure them that I was only a few rows behind them. Nevertheless, it became yet another reminder from sy that there are still people who care for me. Imagine hong sending a sms to someone else voluntarily (he is actually quite lazy when it comes to sending sms).

By 2pm, I had begun to sink into a trough. Sermon application was no application at all. All that took place was me venting words of anger, or otherwise known as 'qi hua' at sy. I basically sat down at lessons with a 'touch me and I will break your arms' look on my face. When the biology stuff came up, a sense of superiority also swelled up from within me. It was then that I realize whenever I allow my temper to get the better of me; I become a snob who goes around, well, snubbing people. Praise be to God, that eventually I did manage to calm myself and not shout out every single known biological term that appeared on the screen.

A small consolation came later when I practiced a bit of piano and find myself playing My Heart Will Go On easily. Table tennis was also heart-lifting, although I made my team-mate lost at every doubles.

However, I walked away from church today with a heavy heart and a heavy resolution... ...

Current Song Choice: If I Stand by Jars of Clay (recommended by Pei en)

Psalms 8:2 Out of the mouth of babes and infants, you have established strength because of your foes, to still the enemy and the avenger. (ESV)

The above verse was taken from Psalms 8, a psalm of David. Pastor Goh was saying that God strengthens those who are weak in spirit for man in life will definitely have problems, trials, tribulations and lows. Those physically strong or strong in secular aspects of life may not be spiritually strong. In my point of view, I felt that we pose an easier target for Satan when we are spiritually weak, and only by relying on God for strength can we oppose the Devil. However, keep in mind that no matter are we experiencing peaks or troughs, God's beauty and His love is there for us.

Psalms 8:3 -4 When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him? (ESV)

The creation is mentioned here, when David felt himself small and incomparable to God's awesome works. (Ref-Genesis 1) Another figure came to mind when I thought of the creation. Lilith, she was said to be created before or with Adam and was his first wife instead of eve. She did not want to be dominated by Adam and thus fled the Garden of Eden. I suppose this is after all only a legend but it does remind me of paganistic beliefs. Also, there are many different versions as to who lilith really is and what did she really do.

Sigh, I guess I have a lot to pray about regarding my future. Am I to stay in gbc, am I just to change zone or does God has plans for me elsewhere? I do not know yet but I believe that through prayer, I may better know more about what to do with my future. Prayer is powerful and important, and I guess I need prayer now. It kinds of reminds me of Rev James Fraser in the book Mountain Rain. I learned much from his life about prayer.

Serving is another issue. Quite a few people has spoken to me about it, three of them in fact and all they did was not just refreshed my memory of what right serving is all about and they also reminded me of my past - the albert that came to gbc a year ago. I wanted to serve, I was eager, but I was not ready. Sigh, I know now that I have to start from scratch and the only obstacle is still that heart of mine.

Lord, above all please make me willing, and mould my heart so I will be willing to be make willing.

Tales of a boy, Part 2

This is a story about a little boy, one young at heart. It is one filled with dreams fulfilled and crashed; promises made and broken; sorrows drowned and heard. This is his tale.

Six times he was hurt by him, six times hope was given but in the end everything came crashing down, six times he wondered at his own stupidity and lack of discipline, six times TG had to hold back his tears to put up a facade...

TG still remembered the promises made to him by big guy, that planned out itinerary was never carried out. It was not because he did not get to go anywhere in the end, but rather, TG was hanging on to those simple few words. It mattered the world to him and it nearly devastated him when big guy could no longer bring him anywhere. TG knew at that point that he will not be able to spend any more time with big guy. You see, big guy is leaving...

At first TG thought he could handle the matter, it is just like an older brother going to ns or overseas for studies. But the days and weeks and months past by, and through it all, TG was in a lowest low of his life. He had nobody to turn to when he needed help, nobody to talk to when he was frustrated, nobody to go out with when he was bored. Even during those times when TG passed by big guy's place, a pang of pain rang in his heart. Thereafter TG told himself, that on no account was he to go to big guy's place anymore in future. The temptation and the sorrow would kill him.

TG needed help. But who is there to reach out to him?

posted by bert @ 1:20 AM