In the wee hours of the morning, it dawned (no pun intended) on me once again that it has become a necessity for me to move on from you. Along the way, there had been others (silly crushes and lies to you about me getting over you) but frankly, through these years, I've never stop loving you. 5 weeks ago, I said what I had decided months ago, and today it still stands. If one day, you ever need someone or you need any help at all, you know what's my number.
Having said all that, so why did I achieve this new realization today?? Well for the first time in my life, in a manner of speaking I actually know the guy whom you like. I'm treading on unchartered grounds here, facing this unprecedented event. My suspicion for weeks were confirmed - I meant of course his identity, a guy who has been nothing but a great friend to me this recent times, someone whom I think in the future may turn out to be someone that I can share deeply with.
Hence if you ask me, will this new turn of events destroy our friendship or change the way I treat him?? Well, honestly I doubt it. I do not go around hating people just because of the phenomenal love triangle. My point is, it just proves more direly my need to move on. Otherwise, the only thing that is going to be destroyed here is myself.
Correction: currently blogging my last few entries before taking this down.
Explanation: it symbolises moving on with closure, although all of a sudden I have people coming to me and saying I should not take it down.
Character Identification: Koda - the bear in Walt Disney's movie Brother Bear. (Did you know? That the movie initial name was Brother Bear, and it was changed to just Bears, and then to some other longer name and finally changed back to Brother Bear). Dory - aka doryfish in Finding Nemo.
Anyway, so suddenly I felt that there were more stuff that I want to write about, therefore tada!!
What is love?? Human love?? God's love??
There are a lot of people out there whom I like, of coz la almost everyone's so nice to me what. And there are those whom I'm attracted to, those whom I tend to mention more often than usual and look at with more frequency when compared to others. But of course, crushes, infatuations, and "attractions" put aside, who do I really like? As in you know, like, not like. Who do I have a thing for??
And above all, who do I love?? The love for my family, love for my friends and love for my enemies even. But having said that, I do not really have enemies la, or at least no one I'd want to kill.
So well, I do not really like somebody or anybody at the moment, definitely not some waitresses or serveresses or some sunshine rays or whoever else. Those would be classified as "stupid crushes of a young & fun-lovin' boy".
How about when it comes to friends? How many people out there whom you know are truly your friend? How many or who will stand by you when a crisis arises; when there is a falling-out will try to understand each other; when you need help and support they will reach out with a round hand without hesitation?
I had a best friend in primary school and you'd seriously see us have having lunch together in the canteen, play ball together and take the same bus home. Sadly we lost touch once we went to secondary school and neither of us made the attempt to get back in touch with the other. We just took for granted that one day, one party would initiate contact with the next. Back in those days, we had no handphone but there were always the house phone and we do know where each other lives.
I'm ashamed to say that, a couple of days ago, I thought I saw him at the mrt station but I did not dare go up to him and even say "hi". Where is he now? Is he still studying now or in NS? I do not know.
I had a best friend in church, someone whom I clicked with instantly the day (technically, it was night) we start to talk to each other. Since then, we hung out a lot and shared deeply. I use "had" because we no longer are.
I remember that it was because of a choice I made, to protect him (obviously not from physical harm la) but it ended up in us being torn apart. I loved and sacrificed for a friend, a best friend and then I lost him. Nowadays, we just talk and you can see the echoes of our past friendship. He looked up to me like an older brother and I failed him.
Then there were the girls from secondary school, the "8-electrons-gang". Whoever suggested this name I could not remember but the point is, we had each other then and we have each other now. I know things do not last forever, already one do not keep in contact with us anymore and another has her own family but for as long as things are possible, I'm grateful and happy that I have you girls with me on this road. And for all those years of "suaning" me, I hope you girls had enjoyed my company as well. Sometimes even though life gets too hectic, I know we will continue to care for each other and to gossip about each other's other-half.
(Shit!! This is turning out to be some kind of a will a man writes before he jumps. Haha!!)
Sometimes in life, there is certain stuff that people will almost never move on from. I use the words "almost never" because nothing is an absolute.
23rd April marks a day of my life that I'll never forget, and I believe it applies to all my family members as well. You see, the one person I loved most in this world passed away on said day. I can remember the time too, it was evening around 7pm. And now 3 more days from the 1st monthly anniversary, it suddenly struck me that perhaps it's time I at least try to move on.
8 years ago on a trip to Gold Coast, Brisbane, Australia, I bought this rather cute keychain for her. It was a simple and nice dolphin keychain that I got from Seaworld and written on it was a single word - Grandma. Well of course my grandma did not understand English but the meaning was there. Sadly for the past 8 years, I've forgotten about this particular item.
I do not blame anyone, really, seriously and definitely. I felt no anger, just sadness. If I were writing this for a primary school composition, I'll probably describe myself in this manner - my cheeks flushed red, my vision blurred and I felt something burnt my throat.
A small simple object, yet it has became precious and priceless to me. Honestly, it was not as if I had never bought anything else for my grandmother over the years but this keychain was like my only inheritance from my grandma because it was not as if she left me anything else at all. Chinese customs dictate that we get rid of her belongings, some we cut up into pieces, some we burnt, but mostly clothes though. Apart from the few photos I had with her, there was almost nothing else left for me to remember her by. That was why I hanged the keychain on my back, because it had no photo on it, it would not cause me too much grief when I look at it and yet at the same time, it serves its purpose.
I recall the first few days of living without her. At the monastery when my family and I were preparing to collect her ashes, I actually wanted to ask my cousin "where is ah ma??" when I didn't see her among us. It hadn't really occurred to me that this was reality, that I had really lost her and she isn't coming back.
When I was little, I would always want to sit next to her and if I do not have my way, you can just imagine the ruckus a small boy can kick up in a public place. This little thing evolved into a family tradition that at family dinners, the only 2 people allowed to sit next to her were me and another male cousin of mine. Hence this few weeks, I felt lost when I realised that I can no longer sit next to her.
Oh this reminds me, I've yet to go get a photo frame for to put our picture. Perhaps it is just as well, I have no idea am I able to endure looking at her photo everyday or not.
People ask me why I had stopped praying or what do I want to pray for. I just ask myself, that is there anymore point in praying? Will praying bring her back? Will praying give her salvation? Do I still believe in my salvation?
Yes I do think I still believe that there is a God, but however is there anymore point or worth in following this God? I'd have given anything to have her back but we all know that it's impossible. When one is disappointed with God, we tend to ask whether is God unfair? Is God silent? Is God hidden?
Tonight, that small little pink keychain broke into two purely by accident. It seemed weird but when it happened, something within me just snapped.
Anyway, this is my last entry for my blog. Koda and dory have walked with me through so many heartbreaks and joys, tears and laughter, troughs and peaks, ups and downs. It just seemed right and natural that things here come to an end as well.
Note: *Names have been changed to protect the identities of the parties. Apply Atbash Cipher to decode.
One half-moonlit night, at a bar called Mox, this guy song* was celebrating his friend's birthday. Now all of a sudden, there was this particular "serveress" who appeared to take the orders of song and his friends. What striked song the most was the appearance of this serveress, the looks, the speech, the voice... ...
Now if you're perhaps wondering what on earth is a serveress, it's simple. We have waiter and their counterparts - waitresses, so why can't we have servers and serveresses, runners and runneresses??
Anyway back to the story, so the most bold thought flashed across song's mind, why not for the very first time, he shall attempt to get someone else's phone number. As found out by song's friends, that serveress's name is thus*.
One of song's friend went to make the first move and he approached the serveress to ask all sorts of questions, stuff like the age and school, blah blah blah, but the end result was that the serveress cannot just dispensed phone numbers as it was still working hours.
Therefore, songn decided to do some damage control. After endless rounds of idiotic pacing around, standing up and sitting back down, drinking lemon-scented water, he finally gathered all his pluck, tried to be as unassuming as he could, strode right up to the serveress and...
This is the ideal conversation:
S: Hey, thus right?
T: Ya.
S: Okay, here's the deal. I think you're cute, can I have your number? Maybe we can go out sometimes, maybe supper after your work?
T: Really, you mean the 2 of us going out?
S: Yeah, so what do you say?
T: Okay, why not.
This is the actual conversation (filled with one word sentences from stryst):
S: Hey, thus right?
T: Ya.
S: Ermm, okay here's the deal, I gotta apologise to you for something.
T: Why?
S: Well, just now that guy who asked you for your phone number, actually I made him do it.
T: Oh.
S: Ya, I was the one who wanted it.
T: Ah.
S: So ya, I'm sorry if you were offended or something.
T: Oh, no it's okay but I can't give as I'm still working, so ya...
S: Oh no, that's alright. Ya, thanks.
And then song turned and walked away. Sigh, what a loser.
