it's the ironic & controversial rhapsody of an ambiguous bert

"well, you should know, where you go, i will be there."

posted by bert @ 5:40 AM 2 Comments

I'm sorry, no actually I'm not because you hurt me first. It's just like the song - you cut me open. The best way right now, which may not be the right thing to do, but what's absolutely necessary is for me to cut you out of my life. So yes I'm isolating you from everything - msn, facebook, blog and as much as I struggled against, my handphone.

Because your freaking 'shadow' is everywhere; your face is everywhere. I cannot go to a club without being reminded of you, I cannot listen to my Ipod without thinking of you (because you were the one who sent me my new entire playlist), hell I cannot even drink clam chowder without recalling you.

I was just browsing some other people's facebook profile and wham, your picture just appeared right in front of my eyes without warning. I did not want to know but now I do to the whereabouts of you this afternoon (it's as if some evil joke is being played on me, see I'm going to tell you where your beloved is whether you like it or not) and I cannot fathom this but the surge of anger, the pain, the disgust, the hatred, the love and yes the freaking love all came at me together at that one single moment because of some ridiculous random photo that made me miss you so badly and hate you all at the same time.

Right now the only way for me to let go of you is one of the oldest trick in the book - I'll hate you with all the nerves in my body.

Yes, things happen for a reason and that reason is to punish me for clubbing on October 19th. I curse my Monday off, I detest Deepavali and I wish I had never tried to celebrate Halloween.

posted by bert @ 5:44 AM 7 Comments

It's never a good thing when you realised it's 5 in the morning and you're still not asleep yet.

I usually do not edit or remove entries from my blog because I believe that what happened yesterday made us who we are today but however, recent changes to my life has forced me to reevaluate that statement and thus, I've arrived at the conclusion that a simple shifting of "address" would suffice.

Today marked the end of the biggest local exercise for the Navy for the year; it also signified the end of the biggest and best roller-coaster relationship (the word 'relationship' here is actually stretching it a little) I've had till date.

"Rest, stocktake & count my blessings."

As draining and demanding this sailing was, I actually made time to think through the past year, seeing as how we're entering December now - my birthday and the end of 2008.

I've had quite a few 'scandals' ever since I've enlisted, all except the last were doomed right from the start. Of these, I became very good friends with 1, not talking to 2 of them and for the remaining 2, they remained scandals-of-the-past-season, almost not worth mentioning.

The last most recent one is and has been by far, the most heartwarming and promising one. I must say this, although things have come to an end, throughout the entire 2008, not taking into account the month of December, I was at my happiest and had enjoyed myself the most this past 4 weeks.

I cannot say things came as a total shock for along the way of the last few days, there had been signs and symptoms, hinting to me the coming of a finale. Yet I cannot deny that when it finally hit, for all I had prepared myself, the feeling of lost and the heartache was still overwhelming. I know myself well (for having went through upteem rejections) and as I sit in front of my PC now typing away on my keyboard calmly, my body and mind is currently still in 'denial-and-delayed-mode'; I usually take a while for things to sink into reality and therefore before all the tears and drama surface, I must quickly put all these down in words else I may have zero shred of dignity left to do anything sensible.

God, why oh why did you leave me high and dry?? 3 years ago you denied me of all my earthly treasures, threw me into a situation which effectively forced me to grow up overnight and a year later, you took away one of the 2 women I've ever loved and will ever love most in the world, even more effectively driving me away from you. Right now for the very first time when I plucked up the courage to come back to you and ask for something so forbidden, it appeared as though you had granted it to me, only to strip me of it after mere weeks. Or perhaps, as the very thought crosses my mind right now, it was not you who gave it to me but someone else, someone whom we know all too well. Then again, are we here to argue that were you not the one who allowed everything in the first place??

I had plans, plans for us, plans for my birthday (and that included a $500++ per night stay at some Sentosa a certain Sanctuary Resort suite, money down the drain) and plans for us to go overseas together for a holiday. I saw us going a long way; heck I could even envision us together 15 years into the future, me cooking in the kitchen and you doing the laundry and on a lazy weekend morning, we'll do what I love best (which was the very thing Huiting did with JianChang, and no it's not what you all itchy-minded fellows think), we'll go to Cold Storage together and shop for groceries, pushing a trolley down the aisle.

Maybe this is what was too scary about me, driving you away with all my talk of wanting to get married and settle down.

People keep saying I'm young; I should enjoy and have fun. But I know very clearly who I want, what I want, how I want it and what kind of lifestyle I want to lead and yes, this 20 year old here craves nothing more than stability and security.

Yes, I'm only 20!! Under the laws of Singapore I'm not even an adult yet, and to all my dear friends who keep forgetting that I can only officially watch the Saw franchise in theatres in 2 weeks time, for all my "chao-lao" facial features and being made to mature ahead of time, I'm still only a small boy at heart. I am a hopeless romantic and I want my happily ever after.

Remember what I wrote in the 10th November entry - have I really came out of this wiser and stronger??

A good friend of mine once asked me this on Mt Emily:

Y: So who is taking care of Albert at home?
B: Hmm, my mum lor. She's the one who essentially looks after all my daily needs.
Y: Ya, but I mean who is really taking care of Albert?
B: Oh... (thereafter, a period of silence followed)

A mentor of mine said to me in the past that if you are not ready for a relationship, do not even date or start anything, do not even say or do anything because you will only be hurting the other party.

If all the things you ever said to me were true, why is it that I have this nagging feeling at the back of my head that you're not affected at all and I'm the only one who's hurting here.

It's 7:03am now, 12 hours since I received that fateful sms, 19 hours since I've been awake.



You said, "well you should know, where you go, I will be there"; but you are no longer there tomorrow...

posted by bert @ 5:30 AM 1 Comments

C: I thought of going to the bar after that
B: haha please don't tell me there's another birthday
C: nope
C: a surprise

and then C proceeded to tell me what's the surprise

B: ermm was that supposed to be the surprise?? lol
B: cause you just said it to me
C: haha
C: then no more surprise lor

(-__-!!)

posted by bert @ 11:08 PM 4 Comments

I've no idea why do I have this recent fascination about marriage or getting married (maybe it's partly LiJiao & Chongyi's fault or definitely all Huiting & JianChang's fault).

The last episode of "Steps" or better known as "Wu Dong Quan Cheng" featured this highly cliched proposing scene in which the male lead - Ah Jun proposed to the female lead - XinYing in a romantic scenario with fake snow flying through the air and through their hair and then they all hugged and danced and supposedly shall continue to live happily ever after yada yada yada. Point is as cliched and predictable as it was, I was smiling from ear to ear and possibly the back of my skull throughout.

Hmmm so random right; on another note, J.S.Lee posted a video of MSNBC Keith Olbermann's comments on Prop 8 & marriage.

"because this isn't about yelling and this isn't about politics, this is about the human heart and if that sounds corny, so be it"

"in a time of impermanence and fly-by-night relationships, these people over here want the same chance at permanence and happiness that is your option, they don't wanna deny you yours, they don't want to take anything away from you, they want what you want, a chance to be a little less alone in the world"



p.s. I must really give it to Leo, he's probably one of my few friends who not only know but also remember koda and dory

posted by bert @ 9:15 PM 0 Comments

posted by bert @ 10:33 PM 0 Comments

They say women forget the pain of childbirth after seeing and holding the lovely baby that they had carried for 9 months being delivered into the world; I had forgotten how it felt to be upset, lost and more crucially, jealous after a year and a half. I never thought the day would come so soon that I'd wake up and not be smiling, having since been smiling constantly for the past 20 days. Even Freddy could tell that I was genuinely happy, not just I-am-eating-B&J's-happy and we did not even speak face to face, it was over cyberspace.

At the end of the day, I realised it's my own stupidity and insecurity that screwed everything up. It's my own baggage, something that I should deal with on my own, not dump it onto someone else and let it become a burden.

(And I really have no idea why am I behaving in this manner, it's horrible actually - a grown man at 21 being insecure. Perhaps I should have carried my blanket around with me.)

Trust isn't given overnight, it's built overtime.

I know my one of my greatest flaw, other than having a toxic tongue, is being presumptuous and presumptive. And it's really kind of pathetic to be self-sympathetic. I had lots of great plans for my birthday in December, plans that include stuff like holding it either at home or at a chalet, hosting a dinner party at some fancy restaurant, having a blast at St James and most important of all, booking a suite for that special someone and me; guess I may have to cancel that reservation now.

Lesson learnt:
Getting physical or intimate isn't always a sign of affection. The line is crossed when it felt like the person is possessive instead of being loving. And the next time some would-be rival crosses my path, it's more tactful and gracious to simply joke and say, "great ass huh". Alright guys you can all stop scolding me now.

posted by bert @ 9:15 PM 0 Comments

I've found the pot of gold at the foot of the rainbow.
But it's only through appreciation and consideration will the precious metal shine.
Because what is given must be treasured.


And this means that I will treasure you.

posted by bert @ 2:18 AM 0 Comments

posted by bert @ 10:38 PM 1 Comments