It's the Chinese Valentine's Day today and I wish so much that I'd be able to spend tonight with you. I know that in some way there is nothing between the two of us yet but in some way, there is too. And I know you know it too.
It's only the first day that I know I won't get to hear your voice or see your text messages and already I feel like I'm missing something; the daily routine of feeling the rush of excitement through my grey matter and aortic pumps whenever my phone beeps after I sms you or smiling to myself when I see your name appearing in the front display of my phone. It's a daily routine that I do not find mundane at all, a routine that I'd love to go through, allowing the cycle to repeat itself day after day after day.
I am a person who loves the crow that lives on top of the house. Once, a very long time ago, I fell in love with a certain colour, a certain sport, a certain kind of music, a certain kind of candy and a few certain brands because of a certain "you". We are still good friends and I think you'd be glad to hear that I've really moved on for good. (My handphone is my evidence.) I really treasure your friendship and I hope you'd be happy too. That's what friends are for.
It's only Monday night and I think I'm going into withdrawal already. 8 more long nights to go.
Check out the copycat!! I'm copying huiting by replying tags.
Shuya: You can ask huiting what is a quickie lor. Haha. I'm pretty sure she'll be very happy to oblige me and tell you. Heehee. The mirror and business thing is about the tranvestites at Changi Village. When they hold their handheld mirrors in their hands, it means that they are available for other men to come and approach them for an "ahem-ahem" transaction lor. Oh ya, that time Fish & Co. why you never allow me to also BASK along and get a free fishy meal?? Lolx.
Huiting: You heard of the term "shou xin shou bei dou shi rou", moreover is bone leh. You tell me how to choose between my girlflesh and concubone?? Haha... ...
F.Y.I I have the F.I.R version of tanya chua's Beautiful Love. Haha Don't ask me how I got it, think I must have downloaded it by mistaking it for F.I.R's new single.
I'm BASKin' in the wonder of the aftermath of falling in love. With you. I'm crazy, crazily in love.
Reading leo's blog refreshed my memories about the road trip we took, although he said that the details are at my blog.
I left out the part where we went to this locally acclaimed prata place at Pasir Panjang, near NUS I believe. I had this drink called "bandungcinno" which I have no idea am I drinking bandung-flavoured milk or milk with bandung in it. Then there was this other drink called "neslo peng" and initially I thought it was Nestle milo peng but then the others told me that it's just nescafe + milo on the rock. By the way, you can get the same drink at Starbucks or any other good coffee place. It's called Iced Mocha.
Shuya, I know why you like Fort Canning Park and Labrador Park. It must be because it's a good place for quickies right? I can just see huiting getting excited at my mention of this word. In fact, we did catch a couple having a quickie inside their car. It was at Jurong hill though, not any of those secluded parks.
And at Changi Village, we caught a glimpse of a few super gorgeous and stunningly pretty "sisters". Next time if anyone wants to find any, just look out for their mini handheld mirrors. If one of them is holding it and pretending to be preening himself/herself in the middle of the carpark, it's a sign that he/she is in business.
To Leo: Nobody holds anything against you. I for one does not, maybe it was just fate, although I do not really believe in that f word. No, I also do not believe in the d word (destiny). So please stop giving yourself crap. I can't thank you and Melvin enough for sending me there already.
Ever explored the "uluest" places of Singapore all in one night? Well, I did. Yesterday night (and morning), I was in Melvin's new car - his dark blue off-peak red plate Mitsubishi Lancer, together with Leo, Kev and Desmond. Of course we did not really visit each and every single ulu spot there is, but we did go to a few places that normally people would never bother to go there unless they either have an agenda like us, or they are just plain bored and have too much free time on their hands. This of course rules out those that really got lost and ended up at those places.
The rule of the night was: to explore ulu spots, turn into small roads instead of big ones whenever possible and to go to places where it's rather inaccessible without a car.
Itinerary of the Night Spin Road Trip:
1. Punggol End (me and desmond were absent at this point)
2. Mount Faber
3. Labrador Park
4. Jurong Hill
5. Tuas & Jurong Shipyard area
6. Lim Chu Kang Cemetery
7. Lim Chu Kang/Choa Chu Kang farm area
8. Pandan Reservoir
9. East Coast Park
10. Fort Road, Katong Park
11. Changi Village
12. Changi Abandoned Hospital
I recalled the above as best as I could; along the way my memory got a bit fuzzy as I got a little drowsy and tired at some point to really recognise my whereabouts. In case anyone is wondering why is East Coast Park in the list, well for that I have to thank Melvin for especially making the detour and sending me there for a little while.
On a totally different matter, here's the last piece of the puzzle to Xavier's explanation. I thought I should just come up with an analogy instead of writing anymore dramatic scripts.
Say I'm a cobbler, or even better, the sports giant Adidas. I have 5 potential big clients and along the way I realised I lost all my clients, one after another to another rival company - maybe Nike for example. Would the bitterness I have within me be understandable? It's not anyone's fault that they find Nike's products more appealing but I do not see why I have to allow myself to bear the brunt of it. Bear in mind however that this is only a small fraction of the many reasons that led to me supposedly creating a whole lot of trouble.
E
I'm so sorry I made you wait for me for that long and in the end we only talked to each other for like 2 minutes. I'll make it up to you and I can't wait for the next weekend to come when you return to civilisation. I want you to know that I like you the way you are and for who you are. It's not an issue of what you'll become in the future.
Amidst the months of misery and gloom, I finally found one simple reason to thank God for. On this one momentous night, I saw a glimpse of hope, sensed a feeling of joy and had a thought of gratefulness.
Yesterday was my mother's birthday.
*****
On another note, I had a rather funny incident on the train today. I happened to find an eye candy on the journey home and at one of the stations, the man sitting next to me seemed like he was going to get up and alight. So naturally people will want to take his seat and my eye candy did moved nearer to us.
When the man finally got up from his seat and my eye candy was going to sit down, something else happened instead. Seemingly from nowhere, this Indian man stuck out his hand and blocked my eye candy; he then cut across my eye candy's path and gestured for his wife to sit down instead.
At the face of such a situation, is one supposed to grimace at the stunned expression of my eye candy? Smile inwardly at the man's chivalry? Or just laugh at the whole atrocity?
*****
Another of my friend told me that he got attached recently this week, him being the 2nd one already. This set me thinking, did I put in too much effort or did I seemingly take on a "bo chap" attitude?
I was interested (to at least be friends if not anything else) and I know I definitely did not play hard to get but a combination of increased workload (resulting in fatigue), family & friends problems and just plain "good" old stress had forced me to become a benched player. No pun intended.
Rhetorical question: does the above count as excuses?
When I took on a proactive role, I was deemed as being desperate. When I chose to sit and watch and wait, I lost my chances.
*****
Took the following from a friend's blog.
"i'll just settle for finding a group of really good friends. friends that will never desert you. the kind that you can call in the middle of the night when you need someone to talk to. people to have lunch with in the cafeteria. to save you seats at lectures. to hang out after school with. friends who celebrate each other birthdays, not because they're obligated to, but because they want to. friends that will take millions of pictures so that when i'm older i can look at these pictures and feel a warm glow"
A simple but yet poignant and genuine expression of one's perception on friendship.
It has been a stressful year (and the year's not even over, it's only July) and along the way, I truly felt that I've lost much more than I had gained. When one crisis seemed to be almost over or dying down, another wave arose. 5 more months and counting down; I'll face yet another, one more crisis on the horizon that may just prove to be the biggest ever.
Anyway, I had a talk with a few of my closest friends on Saturday & Sunday. Verdict: Albert, you crossed the line. Reason being that it was none of your (my) business. True, you (I) can say you (I) thought it through and you did not do it on impulse but can you (me) also say that a little part of it did not stem from the low self-esteem of a very bitter guy?
Question: did I made assumptions or jumped to conclusions? Was I unreasonable or oversensitive?
Give this some thought, I only have one thing left to say (not to defend myself or to justify any of my actions) - people do not cook up stories because they just had dinner and have nothing better to do. We see things and interpretations will be made. If there had been nothing, would I have had anything to speak (write) about?
Once I was clear of my directions in life, the goals I have, a purpose-driven life that I will ardently make my way towards. Now I think I'm just lost, confused, a little too wild and perhaps inundated with the colours and smells of the secular world.
I will get my priorities right though. Having been through so much, I'm not that blind to the extent of not realising that when I came into this world, all I had was my family and that at the end of the day, it may be the same thing.
The setting sun's orange light was glowing in your face and I realised I stood there mesmerized. Dusk is indeed a beautiful and alluring time, comparable with the likes of dawn.
Was I invading in on your secrets
Was I too close for comfort
You're pushing me out when I wanted in
What was I just about to discover
When I got too close for comfort
And driving you home
Guess I'll never know
~ Too Close For Comfort, McFly
Do not lie, your nose will grow longer and then it will break.
***
As an unspoken rule, good-looking men are usually married or gay. Sometimes they are also jerks; they probably jerk off so much they break their pelvic bone.
***
I'm setting up a betting pool (figure of speech of course, I do not gamble). There was E, which was replaced by X and now S, which replaces its predecessor. What is the next alphabet to join AJ as a free radical?? I'm offering very exclusive premium odds. (Inside joke thing, well actually it's not a joke; it's not even funny.)
***
Open your eyes and see. Discern and know that when the next new young cute one comes along, you like many before you will be discarded like a used piece of trash.
***
When a being is not in line with what said being writes (in MSN or blog) or says, i deemed such action as hypocrisy (hee-paw-cre-see, not hee-po-cri-see).
***
Hypocrisy is pronounced as hee-paw-cre-see, not hee-po-cri-see. Just like paralysis is pronounced as per-rare-le-sis instead of pear-re-li-sis.
***
"It's not as if you do not have friends? Why must you want this one?" Well said, well said. It was really good advice from the-person-who-gave-me-this-advice. Guess what, I'm applying it on myself with regards to you.
***
There is a limit to everything.
Oxford Advanced Learner's Dictionary of Current English by AS Hornby states that a friend is a person, not a relation, whom one knows and likes well.
*******
What will you do when you are hurt by a person who you supposedly call a friend?
*******
I am truly thankful for the real friends who I have, for those of you who stood by me during my downs; for the brothers and sisters who were at my side when I was bereaved by the person I loved most dearly in this world; for the girls who put up with my singing and bhb-ness throughout the years; for all the old friends throughout the years who make an effort to stay in contact with; and for those who would always lend a listening ear to me when I needed one.
*******
Never in my life have I ever known a person whom I regret knowing, until now. There are just some people in life that you can do without.
*******
Yesterday, I still had this thought: "at the back of my mind, I do miss you (as a friend of course)." Today, I threw the back of my mind out. Palpably.
*******
Initially, I meant to just pour my heart out into this entry. But I decided otherwise. This blog is already filled with enough sorrow and pain; it doesn't need more anger or hatred.
*******
I just want to be happy. Utterly lucid but yet how difficult can that be??
*******
Alvin Awyong (I hope I spelt your name wrongly), I sincerely pray (figure of speech only) that I have nothing more to do with you. I have seen what lies underneath the facade.
*******
I will step up and step out and seek a happier life for myself. There is only so much misery one can endure and pardon me but I think I deserve better.
*******
Keep your family and loved ones close. I want to thank my mother for loving me.
*******
Two years ago I once wrote an entry about faith and religion and my goodness did my tagboard reached its limit and imploded. There is a reason why I would not hesitate to do something so controversial again today, I despise anonymity. Do not speak up if you do not have the guts. If you want to leave a comment but choose not to identify yourself, then please do not waste your time and my tagboard space.
*******
Thank you very much.
Saw this on a friend's friend's blog and I decided to to be a copycat...
Rules of the game:
1. Post 10 weird/random stuff about yourself.
2. At the end, list the names of 5 people whom you want next to do this, and leave a comment "YOU ARE TAGGED!" in their blog and tell them to read your blog for rules.
And now for what you've all been waiting for:
1. Remember when we were in primary school and we had to sing the national song and school song every morning or evening. I was once picked to be the prefect that would lead the school in saying "We the citizens of Singapore…" In the end, because my PE teacher thought I had an attitude problem as I refused to represent my class in my school’s sports day's 200m race, I was substituted by the girl who sat next to me in class.
2. My best friend's name is heng yi and my best girl-friend's name is mablerine.
3. More than 4 years ago, I was rather knowledgeable in the field of Wicca, horoscope, Tarot, greek and egyptian mythology etc. Since then I have forgotten almost about everything.
4. I use to be quite good at and interested in soccer and played almost every day after school at a nearby badminton court when I was in primary 6.
5. I was picked to be a councilor twice when I was in secondary school. In secondary two, they picked me to go for the interview but I was late and so I was not interviewed. Then in secondary three, they picked me again but this time I had to refuse the councilor board.6. I once employed a personal trainer to help me train at the gym but I disengaged his services after only a month because I was too lazy and also because he was not exactly a good trainer who could motivate me.
7. In recent years I discovered I have a penchant for baking, especially cheesecake. The types of cheesecake that I've baked before includes New York cheesecake, lemon mousse cheesecake, oreo cheesecake, strawberry cheesecake, chocolate marbled cheesecake and peanut butter cheesecake.
8. I'm a guy who likes to bring my friends to interesting and uncommon places, such as Nissin Cafe at Murray Food Alley and The Moomba Tuck Shop at the Bank of China Building, for good food.
9. When I was in NCC during secondary school, the one thing that I was good at was shooting and I was a marksman for consecutive 3 years. During our Specialist Course when I was in secondary 3, I once impressed a commando with my teaching and demonstration of the Individual Fieldcraft.
10. When my youngest sister fell in love with the Teletubbies show, she insisted on calling me Twinky-Winky because I'm the oldest.
Names of the people whom I want to tag:
Actually, whoever is bored or feels that this is interesting or just wants to do it, do it lor.
Shuya, this entry is for you... ...
wahahaha shuya why why why why are u my ex? cos ernie said he's better looking and huiting said she's prettier. lol. wahahahahahahaha ok tad was a private inside joke
Leaving is never easy. One cannot just let go of all the bonds forged and experiences accumulated over the past 3 years.
Honestly, I do not regret that I've spent the past 3 years with you guys. In fact, I really appreciate it and am grateful that I've had the opportunity. It has turned me into a better person and my sincere hope now is that I do not lose it because the past recent 2 months have actually seen my character spiraling downwards. Perhaps it's indeed true that a person who has been living in the light for so long and suddenly finds himself, by his own choice, without God in his life will change and not for the better. However, if I believe that if it's up to me to do something about it, then certainly matters will be different.
Of course, having been, or trying to be as much as possible, selfless and people-centered, it's tempting to want to become selfish and self-centered all over again. Obviously then the question is: will I rise to the bait or not?
Anyway if what fiana told me is true - that those who belongs to God, those whom He had chosen ultimately belongs to Him, then I'll be seeing you guys again, all bloodied, dirtied and miserable after dragging myself through the desert for 40 years. For now, just let me be stubborn and miserable, because I'm tired and it's frustrating to even struggle to stop struggling.
Because my problem is - I still cannot jump out of the hoop and convince myself that my life is not governed by a higher being, or rather The higher being. Only thing is, I'm choosing to shut my eyes and not acknowledge Him. I'm escaping, yes I'm well aware of that. Putting something into my cupboard and then closing the door, pretending that my cupboard is empty. I went through what each and every one of you must have gone through as well, though in different ways, because God disciplines those whom He loves, therefore we struggle. When one part of the body suffers, the whole body suffers along with it. Forgive me but I think I just picked the easier way out.
What is the difference between hanging at the edge of a cliff for 5 minutes, receiving no help or refusing help and then falling off and hanging at the edge of a cliff for 20 years, receiving no help or refusing help and then falling off? The answer is that it's the same end result. I may as well let go now.
I've been tagged by my friend philip...so here goes...
Favourite Colour(s): Green & White
Favourite Food: Eggs, eggs and more eggs
Favourite Song: Rainie's Zhi Xiang Ai Ni
Favourite Movie: Memoirs of a Geisha
Favourite Sport: Tennis
Favourite Day of the Week: Friday
Favourite Ice Cream: Strawberry Cheesecake
Current Mood: Sleepy
Current Taste: Saliva
Current Clothes: DCP light blue monkey tee and Levi's
Current Desktop: Cornell University Night View
Current Toenail Colour: Not applicable
Current Time: 10.12am (done this at my workplace office)
Current Annoyance: Restrooms that are always very far away
Current Thoughts: "see more openly"
First Best Friend: Edwin, primary school classmate
First Crush: Adeline, primary school classmate also
First Movie: Dragonball (the cartoon one, watched it at Wen Hua Xi Yuan)
First Lie: can't really remember but it should be something bout' me saying "no" when my mum asked "was it you who did it?"
First Music: boyzone perhaps??
Last Cigarette: last 2nd hand smoke counted??
Last Drink: plain water
Last Car Ride: thurs morn taxi ride with melvin, kev and leo
Last Crush: rather not say, wait no more girls want me
Last Phone Call: Vincent aka Highest Shang Gong Niang Niang
Last CD played: pan wei bo's "wo de mai ke feng" album
Have you ever dated one of your best friends: yup
Have you ever broken the law: I think I do it on a daily basis
Have you ever been arrested: nahz, I'm a good boy
Have you ever skinny dipped: nahz, I'm really a good boy
Have you ever kissed someone you don't know: not really
