There are many layers of silence.
What silence implies is relative to what one perceives.
There is the silence that comes from anger. Because shouting and screaming may replace talking, therefore one shuts his mouth to prevent blaming. Silence is the sound of ignoring in anger.
There is also the silence from disappointment. The lack of sound seemed to portray the words "what else can I say". It's not just a look of defeat but also an unwillingness to talk.
The silence that comes from sadness is often accompanied by a doleful look. A dejected and helpless face with longing eyes, no words are said because all that comes out would be sighs.
So remember children, silence is not always golden.
~ I moved on from one black hole straight into another even deeper but whiter hole. After a few weeks of climatic events, I had decided that I should move on from this black hole, though hopefully not into another one. However, sometimes things hardly go according to our plans.
To F: If somehow you're reading this, maybe some spy passed this information along to you or one day you chanced upon this, I'm sorry I couldn't keep my promise to you. I did not want to fall yet another time but I was stubborn and I refused to listen to you and now you can probably say "I told you so" to me.
To "the-person-whose-name-should-be-here": Maybe you felt that I was being unfriendly by not talking to you or maybe you did not notice or did not care at all. I just want to say that I'm not being a snob or being cold, it's just that looking at you again made me realise why I fell for you initially. It also made me realise why I did not want to move on. Just waving goodbye at you and hearing you say "bye" was hard enough.
"I want you to understand that this may not be love.
It seems to me that all this while you had been looking for a substitute.
You keep saying that you don't find yourself cute enough.
I wish you know that this is not love.
My guess is that you have forgotten about the meaning of love.
I may be cute, but I have not been loved."
~ Rainie, Cute
Hmm let us sit down and ponder this question over some Khong Guan biscuits and a cup of nice earl grey with milk and aspartame sugar (not lemon, this is not the Great Britain).What is a candy to you?
Sweets are well, sweet and they are nice little edible objects that children, and some adults and ants as well, like to eat. They are nice to chew, nice to swallow, nice to sucker on and nice to look at. Bottom line, they are nice. But look at the negative side of sweets - too much can give you tooth decay and a whole lot of other buccal cavity diseases.
The same goes with eye candy. To qualify as an eye candy, one of the pre-requisite is cute. Therefore, they are nice to look at, nice to ogle at, nice to give extra attention to and nice to talk about. Eye candies provide visual pleasure and sensual delightfulness at work or on the streets. However, as with all nice things around, eye candies come with a downside. An eye candy is comparable to a crystal trinket in a gift shop as the same rule applies - "can see, cannot touch". Imagine the high number of molestation or sexual harassment cases we would have if everyone like me starts to go around fondling their eye candies in public. (In private, it would be a different matter all together.)
It is therefore a sad case that the second unspoken rule about glass paraphernalia does not apply to eye candies - "once broken, considered sold" (not once brokeback, considered so). Let's say I touch my eye candy and it becomes "broken" (not brokeback), and then I would have to buy it as it's considered "sold" to me; I will then have an entire harem of eye candy slaves at my personal disposal. Paradise in Sengkang, North-East corner of Singapore, South-East Asia, Asia, small dot on the world map, a globe called the Earth, 3rd planet in the Solar System, The Milky Way, unknown part of a galaxy, the Universe...
Coming back, therefore my personal but highly unprofessional advice is: Limit your eye candy(s) at work to just one as too many can give you "eye decay" and then you would have to apply a band-aid/handiplast to your eyes and it becomes "eye bandy".
P.A. (not P.S. since I'm not princess sophie) I think my eye candy caught me looking at it at work that day. And just the other day, my boss came in to scold my eye candy. Sigh...
Now let's consider this from another perspective, what if you are somebody else's eye candy? What would your reaction be if you one day unexpectedly find out? I say unexpectedly because usually, a sane person would not go running to his or her eye candy and proclaim that he or she is going to drool all over him or her whenever he or she walk past him or her or cross his or her line of vision.
If you are a piece of somebody's eye candy, would you:
(a) be quietly embarrassed about it and pretend that you either do not know, do not want to know or do not need to know
(b) be quietly embarrassed about it and pretend that it is not a big deal, all the while smiling to yourself
(c) be quietly embarrassed about it and then go around announcing it to everyone
(d) laugh about it and pretend that it is not a big deal, and then grin at yourself at home in front of the mirror
(e) laugh about it and then go around telling all your friends because you feel that it is a really big deal
(f) laugh about it because you feel that it is a joke and that it is not possible as you are not worth-looking at as you are a person with super low self-esteem and you think you are the ugliest person alive whether are you really the ugliest person alive or not
(g) laugh about it and then be contended as you finally think someone other than yourself finds you good-looking enough to want to salivate on you
(h) laugh about it and then report this to your stead (if you have one) and then hang back and watch a 3rd world war blow up in your face as your stead unleash his/her fury and martial art moves he/she learned from Jet Li before he made his last action movie
(i) laugh about it and then tell the person whom you think likes you so that he/she knows that there is a possibility of competition for the ultimate prize which is you
(j) keep a straight face and become blind, deaf and mute all of a sudden
(k) keep a straight face but smile inwardly
(l) reciprocate and says that you also find the other party equally charming and stop there
(m) reciprocate and says that you also find the other party equally charming and then start to flirt unabashedly
(n) reciprocate by giving him/her a real piece of candy and at the same time, feed him/her
(o) reciprocate by giving him/her a real piece of candy and then stick it to his/her eye
Alright, today has been a real lousy day, almost to the point I'm starting to believe that there really is such a thing called "bad luck". Which I still do not.
1. My supervisor left his office early today and he locked his room when my bag and wallet was still inside his room. For the past 1 month until now, I've never seen him do such a thing (which of course does not mean that he will not do such a thing). End result? I was left penniless with no way of getting home. Well, almost penniless except for a $1 coin left in my coin pouch and I used 50cents to take an illegal bus out to Boon Lay MRT station and called my friend Michael for help and then borrowed money to take the train home.
2. Official knock off time was 5.45pm. In the end, I reached home at 8pm. I think I'm better off moving to Taman Jurong or even Johore with my new best friend at work - whom I call Long-ge (like those Mafia hei se hui lao da).
3. Reached the MRT platform at Boon Lay and the train just left when I reached. Overslept until City Hall and missed my stop at Outram Park.
4. Rejection again, what's new.
~I'm like the snowman who yearns for the sun. Translation : I want somebody to come and melt me. But advice from my friends is that I should not be so "desperate" (which I still do not admit that I'm).J said that I'm lost and I need to find myself and know what I truly want. Niang Niang said I'm still young and still got chance. Hamster asked me to follow my heart. !Bang Bang said there is an ocean full of fishes out there.My friends have been complaining that my blog is getting depressing, something I'm entirely aware of. Well guys, I also want to be happy and I'm going to make the choice to be happy.
cold
the manner you treat me with
I grumble but rush to apologise
it's all my fault
almost as if asking from you
for a little understanding
we drifted??
no, we were never close
the story may end
in either the most beautiful way possible
or the saddest ever
I guess I'm prepared
perhaps a person like you
the freedom you have
no one can ever be
in that place within your heart
~ to my dear han shang gong niang niang, I went back and checked and I realise that all my entries for the past 3 or 4 months are written without the help of a thesaurus...haha means actually you haven't read my really chim stuff yet
People come, people go. Because nothing is forever, therefore we cherish what we have in the present and treasure the happy moments we once had in the past. We do not hold on to the past so much so that it holds us back from looking forward.
Some people view friends as those who had once made an appearance in our lives. They make an impression and help us change ourselves for the better. (Of course, this does not hold true for those "pigs and doggies acquaintances".) But not all friends stay in our lives, they move on to make more new friends just as you yourself move on to become somebody else's new friend. Having said that, who really makes the effort to keep in contact with your old friends - I mean those that really were your good friends.
I view "leaving" in two senses - physically and mentally. Perhaps it's because as more of my friends around me leave to study abroad, that's why I particularly feel more about this, especially towards those that leave for a long period of time - 3 years, 8 years and those that eventually do not return to Singapore. This is an example of the physical sense of leaving and I think we can all agree that more often than not, it's a sad thing albeit it may also be a good thing (if you like studying of course).
However, I believe we can also reach an accord if I say that the mental sense of leaving is even sadder (eh is there such a word??). Sometimes, friends just seem to disappear or stop caring at all. You know they are there but it just seemed like they are not interested in staying in contact with you, much less say have a conversation or hang out together.
Again, as with all things, we must ask ourselves the same question before pointing a finger at someone else. Have we also become someone who just stopped caring for our friends suddenly?? Bear in mind too that sometimes its circumstances that change a person. Some get too caught up with their work, some just got plain busy, some starts to have to face family problems and have to grow up fast.
So the next time you think your friends "don't friend you already", stop and ponder for a minute and try to be understanding.
do i follow my heart?? or do i follow my head?? if it should end up in disaster...who is going to lend me his shoulder to cry on...it's nobody's fault but my own...i got myself into this...dun ask me y am i so negative...y can't there be a happy ending?? becoz somehow i just dun see that something good will come out of this...i keep thinking that it's going to be yet another sad story...maybe it's because i am no longer confident after so many failures in the past...i recall the days i was confident of who i am...the things i noe i can do...now?? i go onto stage n i cannot even speak with confidence...i cannot talk...the one thing i use to be able to do without my heart skipping a beat...i dunno y i dun dare to do anything...y i dun want to do anything....
~i realise i must sound pretty ridiculous, heck i barely even noe u well enuf but yet i find myself saying stuff like "i think i like you", because until you came along, i haven't been able to do things like delete certain stuff from my hp, i barely noe you but i can like you and lose sleep over it and i almost had a fight with a good friend, maybe once again it's not "like" but another infatuation, haiz, i think i like you...
having insomnia tonight...tried to sleep for the past 3 to 4 hours but i just kept flipping here and there and every time i fall asleep, i'd just wake up every 5 mins or so, wanting to scream and swear and then the cycle continues..haiz....dunno how to go to work later...it's a good thing i'm not working on the machines yet or such a lack of focus would probably result in me losing a finger or two or cost the company thousands, if not millions, of dollars and a lot of downtime....
P.S. this entry has been edited to remove any impurities
tears
they always fall when I can't bear the loneliness
the comfort you'd only give
when you see the pearls stream
say a person's mood
is like the temporal white sky
I'd be worried
for it can be taken over by the gloom
anytime
the wait
for a chance as bad as it's sweet
I feel the optimism mixed with fatigue
for to lose you is too great a fear
hence the sorrow within the joy
~If I give up without trying, attempting or saying anything; it isn't because I'm a coward or a failure or I'm pessimistic. It's because I'm being realistic - to try and protect myself from being set up by myself for a world of hurt. Selfish? No, it's self-preservation. Because all it takes is one more heartbreak to drive me to an asylum (nahz, maybe I exaggerated a little here about the asylum, haha).
"Move on" - two words that mean a great deal. Everyone needs to move on with their life from heartbreaks, failures, disappointments, bereavement etc. We cannot afford to have a stagnant life for life is simply too short.
After knowing you since 2004 and then subsequently falling for you in the last 12 months or so, I've finally gathered the courage to move on. The misunderstanding we had was a motivation for me, albeit I thought it was the wrong sort of motivation but hey, it served its purpose. Nevertheless, we had always been friends and I trust that we shall continue to be so.
I assuming another source of motivation for me is that I think I finally have a stab at being happy with someone else, which just translates into - I think there is finally someone else out there for me, not just any silly obsessive infatuations (waitress & sunshine rays), but someone whom I think I really like. Note however the number of "I think" there are because right now, my guess is that I'm still unclear of what I truly want. I'm going to make certain that this is not going to become yet another mistake. This time if I choose to do anything, it's because it's different.
I'm at this junction in life right now where I think I'm rather lost. The decision to believe in God, move away from God, come back to God, moving away from God again, coming back to Him again and then moving away once again; am I truly facing the real me?
There is this world out there that is hidden from the eyes of those who chose not to see it or whose heart had decided not to seek it. Some may say that it is a world hidden beneath various layers of deceit, buried under numerous lies and veiled from sight. Those who object will say that it is really laid bare for all to see. That if you wish to, all you have to do is to reach out and it will be there. I on the other hand, think that it is a world much more fragile than the one we now live in. Indeed, it is a world so fragile that without its mysteries and unusual rules of operation, it cannot hope to survive.
There lies within said world a kingdom. However in this kingdom, presumably there is no king, they do not have an emperor and definitely no ruler. Yet for some their lives are seemed to be governed by one invisible force only. When something cannot be seen or touched, more often than not, we just treat it as if it is not present at all. Hence, how do you tell whether there is really a king at all?
This kingdom is highly scorned in the eyes of many. Its people are those who chose to enter it on their own freewill. If you do not take your own step, I do not believe anyone can force you. Of course, having said that, you can always find some one or two young fledglings here and there that will turn around and say, "I was born to enter your kingdom; I did not have a choice." Alas, to each his own.
In this kingdom, a lot of things are turned upside down. The minority becomes the majority and the abnormal becomes the normal. For who is to say or judge who or what is deemed normal or abnormal. The very definition of abnormality is that you have deviated from the accepted normativity of the majority, and that you belong to the lesser group. Take for example, if our skies should be perpetually green and that our grass are supposed to be pink, would not a blue-sky day be frowned upon or green grass be treated as though it were diseased. If everyone eats a cow raw, would you still cook hamburgers?
The keys to this unorthodox (deemed so by the orthodox) kingdom is one of the strangest things ever. I can offer it to one but there is no saying will the offer be taken, keeping in mind that I hold strongly in the belief that it takes one’s own freewill to receive this set of keys. I may present it to another and this time it will be snapped up earnestly for that other have long been eager to enter. Of course, you will always have those who hesitate at the "opportunity". Remember too, those who had at one point in their life possess the keys but had since lost it.
Author's Note: The author seemed to be talking about one world in the beginning and yet as you read on, it seemed ambiguous enough to be about two different worlds.
