i'm sorry
I'm sorry
Spent more time at the blood donation drive this morning helping out. The day started out slow and I took the time to flip through my project engineering drawing lecture booklet for a much needed revision. Right now, I am at a computer lab in block L, 'crashing' a lab session of sy.
Yesterday night, or rather morning, was spent in agony and tears. I know I had let him down, and I know that I am the cause of whatever sorrow he is experiencing now. I just wanted to say, that I am really very sorry for making such a selfish choice. Please remember your promises to me okay? I will definitely study for my exams.
Current Song Choice: Long Time Coming by Oliver James (What A Girl Wants OST)
bright lights
Bright Lights
The only thing I like about mid-autumn festival is the yummy and fattening moon cakes, definitely not kids trying to burn up those small neighborhood natural fauna. Yes, I am talking about kids throwing noisy sparklers up branches and creating a mini haze in our heartlands. For crying out loud, parents are also a bunch of insensible child-condoning adults. All they do is stand around and watch their kids squirm and prance around with joy as vandalism was being carried out. Sigh, anyway just heard the irritating sirens of a particular red colour vehicle pass my block. I assume somebody got into trouble.
I also changed my blogskin yesterday, much to the delight of myself too. It is a refreshing change for my own eyes, needless to say, those of my fateful readers too.
Well, as for today. Things did not go well when the sun was up for already, say 3 hours. I woke up late again!! The first thought that flashed through my mind was, 'I am finished, mdm koh is going to skin me alive.' Seriously I got ready in the fastest time I ever clocked, flew downstairs and in the end called for a cab. To top if off, I ran into my mentor at the door to the labs and she plainly commented, 'you are late again?'. Sigh, mdm koh is not any unreasonable and wicked lecturer. She was extremely kind to me and allowed me to sign my attendance so I would not be considered absent and issued a warning letter. Which means I better be extra careful next week and not waste the chance she gave me today. Besides, she did mention that I am a good boy but I seriously need to work on my punctuality. Oh well, people who have known me long would know that this is no new problem.
However, stuff progressed towards the good side as the hours drawn longer. Surprisingly, not only was I awake throughout the entire 4-6 lecture but I really understood what was taught. Plus, I managed to grasp the fundamentals of thermodynamics and reaction kinetics during tutorial with mdm koh. And I got two Bs for my sciences, ranking me 29 & 33 among the cohort of 75 students.
Hey pei en replied me. I wanted to attempt to touch him via the e-mail I sent but I think in the end, I was the one who got touched. A simple e-mail of a few words (not really a few) that can create wonders to the heart. Oh well, I should go and reply the mail soon, and attempt to make him cry loads over my few words. (Laughing out loud)
Current song choice: Go The Distance by Michael Bolton (Disney Hercules OST)
When A Man Loves A Woman by Michael Bolton
Psalms 141:8 But my eyes are toward you, O God, my Lord; in you I seek refuge; leave me not defenseless! (ESV)
Tales of a boy, Part 1
This is a story about a little boy, one young at heart. It is one filled with dreams fulfilled and crashed; promises made and broken; sorrows drowned and heard. This is his tale.
TG looked at that stranger with weird but grateful and eyes. Surprisingly, even though they barely knew each other, that stranger was very kind and friendly to him. He even has his number and was very easy to talk to. TG managed a smile and barely nodded to the stranger when he asked, 'are you alright?'
That caring and charming stranger left for the lift and TG was left standing rooted to the ground, filled with unexplainable warmth that surged through his entire body.
It was not very long till TG got to know the stranger. TG called him big guy, not because of his size or age, but actually because he has been like an elder brother to him, somebody TG not only enjoyed, but also looked forward to meeting.
Big guy was there for TG at his highest high and his lowest low. He promised to carry TG through all his troubles till the suns and the moons and the stars and whatever. And of course he said it to TG with those usual heart-lifting three words, 'I dun mind'.
TG grew accustomed to big guy ever lingering presence nagging at him and giving advice. He was the one who made it possible for TG to pass his physics exam with numerous sessions of tuition. He gave TG a place to go to when TG was breaking down; he gave him warmth as a very useful 'furnace', and he gave him a brother, the brother TG never had but wished for so much so much.
They shared their deepest, at the most unimaginable place - the airport, over the favorite chicken of TG, popeyes. TG could never forget those long and hard nights of revision for the prelims. It was big guy and his voice that carried him through, those calls that would last late into the night or early into the morning if you see it that way. TG was a road idiot and knew naught about oh too many places in Singapore; big guy naturally became the most obvious choice to bring that boy-of-no-sense-of-direction to various places. Yeah, it was almost like an itinerary planned out except the two are not foreign tourists and dates are missing because other obligations took up much of their time.
Big guy was the greatest brotherly figure TG has had. But all good things come to an end, because it did not take longer than a few months for things to go awfully bad for TG. Emptiness was being slowly carved out in his heart by the most unexpected person ever.
P.S. just in case anybody misunderstood, none of the above mentioned duo is (gasp) gay. Any love between the two is one of pure and brotherly nature. The story is not fiction, and no, do not ask is it me or not. My name is Albert, not TG or big guy.
darkness
Darkness ...
I think I am being very obdurate. (Sounds of gasps heard) Finally I am going to admit it. I have taken far too long to settle some matters; even allowing me the delusion of thinking my heart has already accepted various issues. Come to think about it, it has been months since that particular kind of feeling came over me once more. The only sad thing is, I find myself wanting to grief but somehow my heart has turned cold.
I recall the months where I found myself wallowing in pathetic self-pity, venting out at innocent souls who cared, plotting and scheming to achieve false impressions. Sigh, those were dark times. Frightening enough that I do not want to step into that shadowy territory a second time. Painful, lonely, and without God.
Current song choice: Cry by Mandy Moore
Forgive me if whatever I wrote tonight has been incomprehensible. I just allowed my fingers to follow the flow of my thoughts. If there is anyone who is concerned about me, I mean if there is, do not worry, I am not about to make the obituary.
I need to feel God and His comforting hands once again. I want to feel his care. I yearn to feel his warmth. I desire to be embraced by Him once again. Just like the way he once sheltered me from all negativity, just like that loving father He has been.
1 Peter 5:7 casting your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. (ESV)
Inferiority Complex
Inferiority Complex
Today was supposed to be a typical Sunday, but things usually do not turn out to be the way they are supposed to be. I just finish reading the e-mail peien sent, and thus decided that if writing regularly, albeit online, can help improve English, I shall write in a proper way. Thus, the absence of all those triple dots.
I failed to wake up this morning for service and thus was ten minutes late. At the door to Sanctuary was the disapproving look from Uncle James. Sigh. I guess I was tired because I almost fell asleep during sermon. Did not pay too much attention either but still managed to get down all the 3 main points.
Fellowship time was not that bad actually, and I did enjoy myself with all my brothers and sisters-in-Christ. The only drawback of the afternoon was after fellowship when my inferiority complex took over. I know the current I at the piano cannot be compared to Hong and Kill but that’s precisely why I want to practice. Those two have pianos at home and they still want to deprive other less-privileged people of the chance to practice. For crying out loud, how am I supposed to improve? KE says I am improving but so far it is only chord accompaniments. Arghh!! I will go sell my blood if that is what it takes to have a piano in future and be able to practice whenever I wish to.
Sigh. Alas, the inevitable happened again. Just before leaving for city hall with Kill, I have to get into a mood trough again. I just do not understand why it always has to be this away. Time and time again when we go out together, I have to be in a bad mood, even though I did try to prevent it. And all that is to blame is that idiotic inferiority complex of mine. Sorry Kill, I know that when I get depressed it affects you too but I did not mean it on purpose. I will share more to you next time & we go swimming again soon okay??
Current song choice: To Love Somebody by Michael Bolton
I am trying very hard to make changes but I am scared of whatever consequences that may result because of my actions. I had behaved very selfishly at the start of this whole matter but now somehow I feel that while attempting to run back to God, in a way I am also treating somebody else in a selfish manner. Arghh!! This whole thing is just so confusing and I hate it when she says my efforts are not enough. Sigh. Seems like whatever I do is never going to be enough.
One thing I do know is that I want to solve the whole thing asap and strive to serve God again.
Numbers 14:11 And the Lord said to Moses, “How long will this people despise me? And how long will they not believe in me, in spite of all the signs that I have done among them? (ESV)
gloomy
Gloomy...
woohoo!! had an update from peien..finally he sent me something though i have a naggin suspision a particular "somebody" else had to go chide him for not sendin' me any updates....not that i really mind not receivin' any e-mails but it does feel weird and a little not too good that he doesn't bother to include me...oh
well...i'm goin to try and send him an e-mail and see if he replies...then maybe i'll consider bout sendin' snail mail...haha his e-mail super long lor...dunno how he finds the time to write it...or maybe he writes a bit of installment everyday then compile and send....haiz really missed him whenever i exercise...it feels like something is missing when i go to gym without him....the only plus side is as the days go by, it gets closer to the day he returns to singapore...hahaz...really misses my "beauty"...
and guess what..blogger decided to be nice to me tonite...right now i'm typing this update slowly and leisurely...not at all like the manner of beating the blogger system and trying desperately to post...oh well...shall tok a bit bout' both 2day and ytd
friday 24th Sep
tried to "chiong" sem proj report so i can go to sch and coordinate with Zai on our ppt presentation..in the end fell asleep in the morn ard 5,6am and with only 6 pages of work done...week 13 comin' and i'm not at all prepared...haiz
tis' isn't like me at all...i'm not tokin' bout e late nite/or early morn'...but it's more of a procrastinatin' matter...i do procarstinate yes but not in such a "jialat" manner...hopefully i wun let my teammates down...i'd hate to drag somebody into trouble waters more or less
inorganic chem lab was a mess...the timer was lousy and the sch, being so ISO and big stuff, can't even give us
quality timers and sufficient chemicals to allow efficient lab practice...i had one result only!! after attempting to ensure the right amount of chemicals was measured out and the correct reactants were used...and do u believe it...mdm toh was late for lesson a whole 40mins, she being a nyp lecturer had to go for lunch and conveniently thought our lab was at 2pm....
evening was worse...i had a quarrel with a friend...arghh for crying out loud...dun add on the pressure...and dun make it more stressful for yourself either...
and i got angry at shuyun also...haiz sorry girl...i really didn't mean to vent my anger on u or said any awful words...i didn't mean to be all pricky at the others too...sorry peeps
today 25th Sep
had a blastin' time with kill at his place...the sun did hide behind the clouds for a while but hey....i did darken my tan...and my new trunks was good...a bit more sexier i think...poor kill got a bit burnt on his neck & his
tan wasn't as deep as mine...haha no matter....to me he will always be that "bai bai pang pang" little brother of bro of mine...in a way i do feel that i've let him down 8 months ago...was what was done really for his good?? haiz i hope so or i'll never forgive myself...the other regret i had was that our relationship became as close le....well anyway...i was basically tryin to be a good boy at the lunch table becoz as a matter of fact, i'm definitely respectful but also a little....ermz..scared? of his parents...that hengwei only know how to make things worse
joined my family and relatives at Carlton hotel for buffet in the afternoon..walked around a bit at raffles city and bought banana boat dark tannin' oil with spf 4 and carrot extract...lolz...it was so much cheaper at NTUC healthcare lor...watsons and guardians had it at $10,$12+ but i got it only for $9.35...hahaz...meanwhile
added a few more items to my shoppin' list...*gasp at this rate i'll have to go sell blood in order to get what i want...keke though i'm already goin' to donate blood at the sch's blood drive next week..goin' to help out at the donation drive also...can gain CCA points mah
basically spent more time with my family today...the only thing compromised was time to do my report...but hey...grandma+niece+cousin definitely win reports anytime man...
CUrrEnt SonG cHOICe: Fei Ji Chang de 10.30 & Ji Mo De Ji Jie by David Tao
yeah tml is sunday...got service...hopefully i will be able to wake up tml...so right after i finish typin' this entry i'm goin to go to bed...hope fellowship will turn out to be better...i rather go out with kill in a good mood...i hate when the rare opportunity comes up when we get to go out and i have to be sulking the whole way...
anyway the following verses came up today while i was with fiana and later, when i was walkin' home..maybe God was tryin' to tell me someday...anyway they are verses which i have yet been able to apply to myself...
Matthew 25:19-20 Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that i have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age." (ESV)
Matthew 6:33 Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. (ESV)
Swimmin’
Woohooo…won the battle fighting blogger to blog…hahaz…too bad it’s all in colour…coz if I try to change the colour of the words would definitely not make the post in time…hahaz
Haiz…today was ermmz…mad!! Crazy!! Insane!! Looney!! Siao!! Wadeva…overslept again…didn’t make it to prayer meetin’ and was late for maths even…then throughout the day my emotions and mood was in turmoil…changin’ every min…first I was sad after lessons ended….then I was happy when I saw the rest at north canteen…then I stayed happy until they left…went to food juntion and became “giggly-looneyily” cheerful…got sad at the end of the day…haiz…serious PAS le
I dun want to become a burden to my brothers and sisters in Christ…that I need them to constantly anchor me in school…I have to rely on God and be determine to change for the better…sigh…but things are hard seriously…I was reminded to not let hardwork go down the drain…and I almost did…but praise the Lord for He has everything planned out for me…
Oh well…goin to try and wake up tml to go for a swim before school starts…hopefully I won’t run into anymore pervertic old ah peks…and the sun will be out so I can tan my skin…goin to wear my new trunks yeah!! And sat morn goin’ to go to kill’s place to swim where the pool is not only big but kids and old men free…sigh…seriously tempted to go his place him tml after his prelims becoz when it comes to kill…the chance to go out is rare…it’s either both of us are busy and our schedule can hardly match or his mum disallows….haiz…yeah but well…at least sat can go swim together
Curr3nt S()ng CHOICE: Baby I’m Sorry by Coco Lee
SinkiN'
the stress is startin' to set in....and boy...it's been long since i ever got stressed...wasn't even like this in sec 4...outward happiness but inward depression...haiz..guess it's becoz of the term paper and sem proj...the pressure jus slowly starts to creep in..
had maths re-test today...paper was tough...didn't leave anything blank but i ain't confident anymore...felt i could get A before the paper but everything changed when i saw the questions...seriously if i can't do well for maths i may as well kiss any As goodbye since it's super diff to get A for the 2 sci lor...
piano was better though...now can almost play the whole My Heart Will Go On le...but think the intro is yet another simplified one..have to go ask ke for the original intro...hope can practice soon...
and guess wad..that cute cousin of mine wayne...he's in one of the photos below...he's only 4 years old and he has his own pet hamsters...dotz dotz...wonder what my aunt is thinkin letting him play with hamsters....he can't possibly rear them lor...must be my aunts doin all the hardwork of cleain' and feedin'...
to somebody: it's that i do not want to tell you what i feel but i am jus no longer that albert who can sit down and jus blabber stuff out of my mouth..i can't articulate thoughts anymore and dun ask me why...it's just like this...it's not that i dun want to speak to you but do u noe how hard it also is for me and i do not need this kind of pressure from you...haven't you notice that you ask generic questions and how am i suppose to answer you when things are in a mess in my head!! i noe the things that you are going through and i wun throw additional weight on you with my problems becoz it's jus not me...point aside whoever you may be to me...i dun throw my problems at any human being. period.
CuRRenT SONG choICe : Ai Hen Jian Dan by David Tao
1 Kings 2:3 and keep the charge of the Lord your God, walking in his ways and keeping his statutes, his commandments, his rules, and his testimonies, as it is written in the law of Moses, that you may prosper in all that you do and wherever you turn. (NIV)
supposed to do QT using 1 Kings but but haven't really been doin' it...pray will pick up soon
finally i get to blog
FINALLY I GET 2 BLOG!!
woohoo...stupid blogger make me have to re write so many times....oh well had loads of fun with my cam today in sch...mat sci lab rawks becoz of U-my dear cam...loz
started out the morning badly...couldn't wake up in time coz was doin reports till 3.30am & ended not being in sch for mdm koh's lesson again...haiz missed out when she went through the answers for common test and she wanted to see me when i get to school lor..jialat..i get one more chance before she gives me a warning letter...nevertheless this wun cause my respect for her to decrease any bit...i do noe that she care & she isn't tryin' to be mean but she is concern coz it's already term 2 & my bad habits are still around...and guess wad she's one gret lecturer who plays PC games & i bet she can win any typical gamin guy lor...i dun even play Doom 3...duhz
hmm...tml got maths test..muz do well or i serious will not forgive myself lor....that time durin' study break spent so much time on it...now have to go dig out the notes i made...haiz...really dunno y i have to go mess up my otherwise still quite "orderly" life...when i first started poly i told myself that there will only be 2 priorties in my life- studies and serving...but now...my studies ain't superb and i can't even serve anymore...arghh and i even allowed love to enter and i can't blame anyone becoz i took the initiative...haiz...no i am not attach to any girl so mab & ht pls dun misunderstand...
CURReNt sonG choICE : come what may
finished reading Mountain Rain le....really felt that God taught me a lot through this book...it's been a year now that i'm a christian but there are still so much to learn about Him...it was good that uncle james recommended the book...i have no doubt shuyun and many others are and will also benefit from the life of rev j.o.fraser...took the followin' phrase from the last page of the book
2 Samuel 24:24 But the King to replied to Araunah, "No, I insist on paying you for it. I will not sacrifice to the Lord my God burnt offerings that cost me nothing." (NIV)
not clean enuf ken!!
highlight of da day!!
man U hunk
ammar & khai
C.Y.H
hugs!!
serious-hunk-in-makin'
most difficult foto ever
3 idiots from woodbridge
dun slack peeps
aiyo san...so notti..
me & willis
chop chop!!
MEN!! hard at work...
girls @ corridor...
fav cousin...ain't he cute!!
my folks....think they look young hor
me & my sis!!
long time no blog
l()nG tIM3 nO blOG!!
stupid blogger couldn't blog on sat nite...hahaz...finally felt the frustration shuya and huiting had....dotz dotz dotz
well had one great slurgin' weekend....went out shopping with shuya and spent near $250 on books, shoes9hush puppies won) & tada!! a new pair of swimming trunks...didn't expect to spend that much coz i haven't even pay G2000 a visit yet!!
oh well new shoes really hurt & i thot i had to go back to taka to change the size but all's well @ e end of ytd...tried to practice a bit of (similar 2 floorball) street bandy-goalkeeper ytd but it's always more diffcult when there are 10 in the court instead of e usual 4 or 6...i dunno...it's only a nomination for me 2 be goalkeeper for the team but there at least 2 implications now that would make it diffcult for me to stay....haiz...dun wanna let anybody down but things aren't always within my control....think jus commit into God's hands i guess....currently still unsure bout' my futur & will i ever serve again...and my temper jus gets the better of me when it comes to tokin' bout my DM..another haiz...
financial's situation not very good...i'm actually in debt to my mum & i'm not the kind who chases peeps who owes me money...academics is very risky...not really working hard or let's jus say the urgency hasn't set in yet...servin' s down although i seriously hope it won't be a permanent thing...personal relationship also struggling here and there..haiz...life's nvr been in more than a mess before....tis mess is even bigger than that one a year ago...
hmm....actually ian's right when he said i really keep mum bout stuff too much...i guess tis jus my nature...it was easier 2 speak up in the past...with 'da 8-gang', lousy, shihui & ms lai...now i guess things have become different...
ytd nite i asked myself, "am i really that afraid of loneliness??" i guess if given the choice i want a soulmate/best friend/brother rather than a girlfriend or a large grp of "hee hee hee hee hee ha ha ha ha ha" friends...oh yes a brother..two sisters drive me nuts...a brother would be nice & fun...someone i can tok to at home...share clothers with...go swimming or gym together...share our hearts...if i had a brother i would nvr want our sibling relationship to turn sour and be those brothers in dramas who plots each other's death...i still remember there was a long period in sec3 life when i was in kinda depression becoz of a lack of buddies...
sigh...
CuRrEn+ SoNg ChOiC3: I Get On My Kness by Jaci Velasquez
Almost finishing Mountain Rain...i can't wait to start on Sufficient Grace but it would be different i think since it isn't a biography le...finally made it to service ytd & boy, am i glad...it felt good to be in God's hall again...i really feel refreshed after missing service for so long...although i must say fellowship's gettin' hard as the weeks pass....
Verse: Matthew 6, The Parable of the Sower (NIV)
home proj peeps!!
best buds in church (4)
best buds in church (3)
best buds in church (2)
best buds in church (1)
Bad Kinda' Day
haiz...actually didn't have a really good week...quarrels & impendin' deadlines & obligations that i'm tryin to push myself to fufill...didn't really know y i did not want to share anything at all jus now but felt that there really wasn't any point in sharin'
anyway goin to be out shoe-huntin' again...i dunno i guess i can get really snobbish when it comes to clothes & shoes & other stuff i wear...as long as i can afford it i wouldn't wear someting that can be bought from a neighbourhood shop....not that i have anything against those small shops in the heartland but ermm...i guess tis' jus me perhaps??
plus i lost my swimming trunks...sobz...not that i really liked it but i dun have time to go get another one & now i can't swim tml...oh ok not really lost...i jus left it hangin' in a shower stall...oh well at least careless me gets to choose one that i really desire...it was my dad's old trunks i lost anyway...
cuRrEnt soNG CHOice : Above All by Michael W.Smith
Lesson learned from Mountain Rain today: "I know I am not willing Lord, but I'm willing to be made willing." Really admire this kind of spirit the missionaries have. James Fraser learned to love another grp of non-christians even though his heart lies with the Lisu and he had plans made out for them. I really admire his willingness to be used and changed by the Lord for the Lord. I jus hope i can make out my own callin' and I hope that a particular someone else will understand it too and forgive me for my actions someday.
san & ben
hunks by the streets...
