Huiting, please stop copying what I did for Valentine's Day!! Yes it's super fun and ultra romantic to walk down the aisle (supermarket aisle lar) together, pushing the big big trolley and loading it with all the handpicked ingredients and food and then bringing it all back home to cook a wonderful meal together.
Anyway, just wanted to drop something quick before I head out. Leo said something to me yesterday that has been going around in my head for a bit, he has this friend who supposedly is rather innocent and simple, has a very simple character and leads a very simple lifestyle. Nothing at all like the life we have and that started me thinking; since I cannot remember when, nothing has ever been simple for me.
Whatever happened to just enjoying the simple company of someone else?? Must there always be an agenda?? Why is it that when one goes out with someone of the opposite gender, it becomes like a prospective date instead of just a simple night out?? Samuel once said this, although I think he himself have forgotten he said this and I think I also mentioned it once before, that there can be no disappointment if there are no expectations.
Albert think about this, whatever happened to simply making friends?? Must each and every one of them be a skirt that you must chase?? A greedy person will only die of choking.
Anyhow, having said all that, one of the biggest party of the season is on tonight and I'm heading out soon. Hopefully tonight will be good, fun and fruitful all at the same time. If not, I should seriously consider to start eating grass soon.
Sigh Albert ar Albert, why is that you always only know how to talk but never listen.
the september girls' belated birthday celebration
Here's a little something to ponder upon...
Say you found a treasure or something which you hope to be a piece of treasure very much and you have come to learn to cherish it (because only a fool would not learn from past mistakes) or hopefully, you will be able to have the chance to cherish it. Question is, just how much is enough or will too much rubbing dull the shine instead of brightening it?? And isn't it being a little presumptuous when you don't even know will the treasure be yours or not??
On a lighter note...
Finally got the photos of the september girl's mini-belated-birthday-celebration at Kayan's place, photos courtesy of Kayan of course.
Lijiao & I with a bag that took us super long to find and we had to trek all over Orchard Road before finally deciding on one at Takashimaya.
Huiting with her Chanel lipgloss and Anna Sui perfume. Don't worry girl, you still smell and look wonderful without the makeup; it only accentuates your already pretty features (it's either say this or let Toolbox kill me, haha).
What can I say?? We have good taste in picking out Shuya's Fossil watch.
This photo is redundant, other than to showcase more of me although Huixian has no idea who or which is the main focus, the Wii controller, the Sakae leftovers or me??
My mind has been on the whole matter the entire day. Yesterday had a ball of a time with Edwin, Thomas, Jason, Melvin, Clarence and Kenzo at the party; Kevin was with me earlier at Eugene's birthday celebration but he was tired so he went home instead. Needless to say the fashion show was fabulous and everyone had great fun although I suspect that I must be the one who had the best time (for obvious reasons).
I'm a mess, my mind's a mess now and I don't know what to do although honestly, I don't think there is anything I can do or should do. I know myself very well and when something like this comes along, my head will be trying very hard to restraint myself because my heart will be trying to make me rush out like a spanish bull that just saw a waving red flag.
Slow down. Slow down. Breathe.
Reminder to Albert from Albert: please stop "hu si luan xiang-ing", otherwise you will only end up "jinxing" yourself like how you use to.
Sometimes matters of the heart are really unusual. There I was still hung up and ranting on and on and all then all of a sudden, my heart altered course. Hmm technically that's not a hundred percent true. Sigh, this is all very confusing. (*shaking head)
I need to untie my own "xin-jie" first.
Dear God,
I know I've been bad and I haven't been coming to you and asking you for something now should not and never be the way. But if you would allow and give me this, I promise I'll be good. This is no rebound, I will not commit any of those mistakes which I did before and I will not screw this up. I need to learn patience. But if it's not meant to be, please let me understand why. I thank you God.
Your Son
12 hours later...
I shall endeavour to stand up (not in that sense) and start afresh. I know, I know, I've said it so many times already it's getting old but I always seem to fail and then get all emo and grouchy but c'mon, no fault for determination right??
I shall rest and play hard for the remaining of this weekend cum break and then when i return to work on Tuesday, I will work hard to justify my playing-hard and I will continue to work hard because life does not revolves only around playing hard.
I have friends who love me for who I am, actually I also have friends who love me but they don't exactly know who I really am, so those who have come to accept me for being truly me, they are the ones whom I'm truly blessed to have and I thank them. And I also have a doting mother and I have a wonderful and beautiful family. I'm in good health and maybe I do not exactly have much of a career now but hey at least I'm employed. Therefore, love life or no love life, I have no reason to be sad and every reason to be gay (happy gay la, what were you thinking).
I shall keep that in mind everyday I wake up, unless of course I'm made too grouchy by the lack of sleep. Remember what Yang said: "you can be happy".
It seems ironic but even though I've given you this add before, I know it's not significant enough for you to put it on your mind. Therefore I can write away without you finding out, although I admit at the back of my mind, there is a small hope that you will one day see all this and know how I feel but perhaps by then, you'd have been too late, it'd have been all over and I'd have become happy. I broke my rule yesterday for not contacting you and I shall endeavour the feat again until the day you've truly left my world (and all this time, my heart is still screaming for you not to).
It's been 1 day since I last heard from you... ...
It's 5 in the morning, just got home from clubbing. I'm supposed to get up in just a couple of hours time to attend my department officer's housewarming cum his baby girls' first month celebration but after I lied down on my bed, I realised as tired as I am, I couldn't fall asleep. Because my entire mind was filled with you.
Technically speaking, it was not really a clubbing night for me because after watching the movie with the guys, I spent more time walking around the streets and queueing as compared to really dancing and I did not even drink.
I believe in Fate. I believe that there is a higher power, just as I believe that there is God. But most importantly, I believe that there is a reason for everything, a reason for why I (everyone) went to a certain school, attended a certain CCA, hung out with certain friends, like certain things, and be at certain places at a certain time; it all boils down to I believe there is a reason for every choice we make and a reason for why we are a certain kind of person with certain kinds of personality and preferences.
For the entire evening, I actually successfully kept you out of my mind; that is until Edwin mentioned your name (don't worry, there is no blame here). As the saying goes, cliche but apt, my heart sank immediately.
I believe that there was a reason for Edwin to have mentioned you right before I spotted you along the streets, I believe that it was no coincidence that I was there to see you before my eyes and I believe that it was no luck that I returned to the club alone and ahead of the others just to see you leave.
I know Shuya is probably going to scold me after reading this for I did something which I know I should not have done and I am not exactly proud of but fact is, I done it. I'm sorry but seeing you leave alone without all your friends and suspecting that your handphone's battery did not run flat but you had switched it off on purpose, I followed you. Call me a stalker, throw rotten eggs at me or spray on my wall or whatever but I only did what my heart AND head told me to do at the moment. I acted and it was to see where you were headed.
I know I'm a foolish guy. I can definitely articulate or put across in words the various reasons of me liking you and what attracted you to me but I cannot explain why am I feeling this so strongly or why am I still not able to let go. Sometimes I just need one tight slap to wake up and I thought I had already been slapped last Saturday but apparently either I need one more slap or the last slap was not hard enough.
When I fall for someone, it will take me ages to fall out of it. Just take a look at YH (whom I've always considered was my first true one-sided love), I took more than a year to let go; or the various Js, I had to see a counsellor in the end. I cannot remember the last time I did something bad like stalking that person, probably it was one of the first few girls I liked back when I was in Secondary 1 (just in case and to clarify, it was the one who lived at Kallang and I would wait at Kallang Mac for many days).
Yesterday night I did something terrible. I actually went out to meet someone and upon seeing said person for the first time, I was struck by the resemblance that you two shared. Granted it is not really a big resemblance but the build, the height, the age, the facial features and the mannerisms were there. And so I did a very evil thing, the entire night I kept picturing that person as you.
Truth is, I know you are not entirely 'disinterested' in me, if not we would not have went out together twice and the messages you sent to me before I left for Darwin and the one when I said I couldn't attend your birthday party and that time when you thought I was going to sail for a long trip again shows otherwise. But why is it that I am always the one to have to initiate contact with you or ask you out?? Why is it that after I tell myself to stop talking to you, you really did not bother about me?? Surely there must be a logical explanation for everything?? My friends keep telling me to let go and they try to comfort me by saying stuff like "I'll find someone else" but they do not see where I am coming from.
Whatever happened to
"just you and me will do"??
Is anyone familiar with the song "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face", first sang and popularized by Roberta Flack, recently covered by one of my favourite artistes Leona Lewis. Someone in cyberspace out there used this song to create a music video of this Korean movie that I liked very much and although I've always found the movie touching, watching it again tonight made me feel more. There is this scene in the movie in which the male lead said:
"is it because I'm not rich enough?? I'll work hard
is it because I'm not smart enough?? I'll study hard
is it because I'm dirty?? I'll stay faithful to you only"
It's been 6 days since I last heard from you... ...
Albert Bunny
Remember last week when I was having such a bad time at work and at home?? My friend Jayden managed to convince me to go watch House Bunny with him and it's been quite some time since Mama Mia after I came back from Darwin so I thought why not, could be good to watch some bimbotic comedy and have a few good laughs. Turns out that House Bunny ain't that bimbotic after all.
True, Anna Faris (Scary Movie) playing the role of Shelley Darlington may seem like your usual typical pretty dumb blonde, plus the fact that she's a Playboy Bunny in the movie doesn't quite seem to add any points to her whole intellectual outlook, but towards the end of the film, there was a scene in which she delivers a speech that came totally straight and sincerely from the bottom of her heart and there was a scene earlier in the movie that really hit me.
Shelley, as the house mother of an initial bunch of clueless and unglamorous sorority girls, managed to educate the girls and gave them such a makeover that all the girls became hot, sassy and sexy 'chicks'. But in the scene where the 7 girls were selecting which freshmen to invite to join their house, one of them realised that in making themselves prettier and popular, they have lost sight of who they really were (or who they use to be) and in fact, became just like the group of girls from an opposing sorority house - girls who judged other girls based on looks and family background.
Now I know I'm no gorgeous hunk or handsome stud but allow me some ego la, at least I think I look decent with my 2 eyes, 1 nose, 1 mouth and 2 ears. Anyway Jerald gave me a 7 out of 10 on the Scale so I think I pass la.
Point is, I did not use to wear contacts and to be honest, ever since I started to shed my nerdy-spectacled image, I suddenly became visible again. I mean that when I go to the clubs, it's almost as if all of a sudden, by removing my glasses, at the same time I removed this veil that had kept me from being visible to the world. Now, people look at me when I enter the club; I'm no head-turner but at least now people notice me. (Or maybe I just became so much more uglier people thought how come I was not dragged back during the 7th month.)
And I spend so much time preening myself in front of the mirror and putting in so much effort when it comes to facial care and making sure my shoes match my shirt and my button match my belt buckle and that tread hanging out from the side of my pants is cut away blah blah blah, I suddenly realised that I have no idea what am I doing it for or why am I even doing it in the first place?? Have looks really replaced the position of inner beauty, did my shirt from that designer label became more important than my character?? Does it really matters that the next time I enter a club or walk through the doors to a party, I make sure people see me and that their line of sight will continue to train on me. If somebody only likes me just because I'm wearing contacts and not spectacles, just who did that somebody fall for??
After saying so much, really the more important questions are: what comes next?? Where do I draw the line between being well-groomed and just pure 'hiao'?? Will there be any changes that I shall have to make?? Have I really lost myself?? Or perhaps deep within me, I have all along been this way - the pot they call vain.
It's been 5 days since I last heard from you... ...
Although more often than not I think Samuel is actually quite the bimbo (haha no la just kidding), there is something that he once said or rather, he wrote it in his msn nick if I'm not mistaken and it goes something like this: "there can be no disappointments if there are no expectations".
Whatever happened to "
just you and me will do"??
weekend
A Nation in Concert (ANIC) 2008: Wish Upon a Sea Star. That is the name of the concert I caught over the weekend at the Victoria Theatre. It's a charity extravaganza aimed at promoting more awareness of various organizations such as the "Singapore Association for the Deaf", "Singapore Association of the Visually Handicapped", "Association for Persons with Special Needs" and the "Handicaps Welfare Association" and it provides a platform for all people to showcase their talent and abilities.
Well to be honest when I first heard of ANIC, it was not the purpose behind the show that drawn me to it. Rather, I had wanted to catch the show because of the cast and I have always been one to enjoy musicals. But little did I know that towards the end of the night, not only was I extremely glad to be present for ANIC 2008, I told myself that even if they had raised the ticket prices, I would still have attended the concert. (Now I know why Huiting likes to be involved in charity work so much.)
The whole concept and show is just so (and I quote) "wonderful, beautiful, colourful and meaningful". My friends did not appeared to have enjoyed the concert as much as I did and true, to a certain extent I agree with them that it was in no manner an A-grade show and a lot of the so-called professional artistes gave a lacklustre performance but I personally felt that the best performers on stage that night were the volunteers that had disabilities. You can also see that their items were the ones that garnered the most applause from the audience. They really showed us that given the right opportunities, they can do what normal people can do too, and sometimes even better.
Perhaps one might say that being a show ran entirely by volunteers, which means that nobody is going to receive a paycheck at the end of all 3 shows, not everyone would have devoted their heart and soul into the act but I chose to believe in the better nature of people and that for such a great cause, a lot of time and effort must have went into the entire production and all performers on stage really gave a hundred percent albeit there being no monetary remuneration.
Of couse having said that, the show is not without its stars. Karen Tan playing the role of Hannah Hammerhead Shark the 'civil servant' in the story was fantastic and hilarious. Her lines packed a punch and her timing was immaculate. Terence Tay as Clarence the Clownfish was simply fabulous in being the clown. He was adorable, funny and absolutely entertaining. And he makes you want to kill him because he looks too young and good to be true.
Oh and I learnt a new term tonight. There are no disabled people, they are only differently-abled.
On a side note: throughout the show, the characters were echoing the fact that just because some of them are different does not mean they shld be treated differently. Crabs, prawns and snails should be given the same privileges and entitlements as fishes even though they have no fins. Of course I know they were referring to people with physical handicaps but with almost the entire cast being 'aj', I couldn't help but wonder were Jonathan Lim and Desmond Sim trying to put across another different underlying hidden message, if you catch my drift.
Rushed over to E's birthday party with Edwin after the concert and stayed there for about an hour before leaving to pick Eddy up and then joining the rest of the gang at the club. Nothing much to say about the party; not because there isn't anything for me to say but because my heart is too 'broken' to want to say much. Thus, I shall remain silent. (Actually I already sent my grievances out via SMS to my own 'gossip girl' network the moment I left Punggol).
Anyway, almost the entire gang was present with the exception of Jackson who went home earlier because he was too tired from work and stuff. Initially we wanted to go to Tabs but we were kept waiting and Edwin got angry at the door bitches and so we decided to proceed back to P along with Thomas, Jason Lim, Leo, Elmo and surprise surprise, they picked up Calvin aka pht along the way. Kevin joined us too even though we kept telling him not to spend the extra cab fare to rush back down. (Honey we really would not have been angry even if you had decided to stay home.)
Dancing halfway through, I commented to Eddy that we really felt like we belonged here but him and Edwin countered by saying that Fabulous is still our primary home (I think it's simply because Fab is preferred and the best) and so I said that P shall be our secondary home then. For some unknown reasons I've never really took to Tabs, except for Handbag night. It could be the music, or the crowd or both the music and the crowd. Nevermind.
Kinda miss having Jackson around; now I think I know how Vincent must have felt when I got attached 2 years ago. For most of us, if not balanced properly, the best friend usually ceased being the best friend when the partner comes along and I was so blind to the whole thing until I read Vincent's blog, not realising that I had lost one of my best friends when one day, he found himself being unable to talk to me because of all the events that had transpired.
I know people change and life changes (blah blah blah) and everyone must keep moving on but still, there's always a tinge of sadness when you realised things are no longer the same as it was yesterday. I'm really happy for Jackson that he found his significant other half and truth be told, he actually balanced things a lot more better than I had. And I still see him almost as often as I see the rest of the guys but we just got less closer and he and Thomas seemed to have been integrated into Chuan Wei, Terence and Gerald's group during the various months I was absent due to sailings. I guess that's part and parcel of my job, things are sacrificed in my field.
I have no idea why did I decide to go in the end. It was last minute and the timing was bad and it was so rushed and the rest keep telling me not to go and waste my time and even your friend said he did not really have to go although he promised to host the games for you because he's really only going for my sake. (Although I suspect that in order to give you 'face', he would have still went to show face for a while, host games or no host games, my sake or no my sake.)Because it was a paid event that clashed with your party, I said no in the first place but if it had been some other sort of stuff, people who know me would also know that for you, at the risk of angering my friends or whoever else I originally had appointments with, I'd have cancelled all my plans just to make it there for you. But when I was finally there, heart-pounding and nervous and all (your friend chided me for the heart-pounding part), sigh... ...You had me and after being single for so long, I was ready to give you my heart and soul. You had me, but I was not treasured.Happy Birthday. In 2 days I will message you one last time and from then onwards, your number will cease to exist in my phone. You had me, but not anymore.
10 Bad Events
I have no idea which "broomstick star" did I offend or what evil have I committed for my week (and weekend) to turn out so badly. In chronological order instead of the usual popularity chart, here are some of the 10 bad events that I was "karmaed" with.
#1 The computer has been "down" since last week and it's very frustrating because I'm no IT expert. Even right now I still haven't "cured" it completely yet.
#2 Dropped my W550i on Sunday morning right before heading out to meet some of my ship crew for the 10km "Run for Hope 08" event at East Coast park. Think the drop must have broke the phone's antenna.
#3 Couldn't reach my Mum the entire time when I was at Esprit buying my niece Reiko's birthday present (cause I left my member card with her). Got totally frustrated because I know my phone is fine when I can still receive calls from others. Even borrowed the store's phone to call home but still could not get through. In the end I had to make the purchase without my member card.
#4 Wanted to take the free shuttle service back home but when I got to the bus stop, to my absolute horror, the bus took off right before my eyes. Waited for another hour or so before the next bus came and to top it off, it started pouring and got me all cold and wet and pathetic.
#5 Told myself to calm down before I reach home. Alas, it was in vain. The irony is, right the day before I actually told Shuya and Huiting not to quarrel with their mum or something and barely 24 hours later, I realised I should have heeded my own advice.
#6 Facing some family problems at the moment. Honestly, I'm just trying to be a good son to BOTH my Dad & my Mum but it seems like I'm caught in between because the two of them have differing views. Tried to find a solution to please both parties but in the end I gave up because my cousin Casey pointed out to me that there is no point in forcing any of them to do anything against their wishes. In the end I decided to go with my Mum's choice and then I felt so bad, as if I let my Dad down. Thank God for Casey who encouraged me.
#7 Was so tired that I overslept on Monday morning and had to take a cab to work. Been taking cabs to work recently and it isn't cheap to get to Tuas from Sengkang.
#8 Work today was super horrible and disgusting. As if overnight quartermaster duty isn't tiring enough, I had to get scolded by one of the chiefs this morning because apparently he wasn't satisfied with our (the junior ratings) performance. I argued that I had completed most of the basic tasks and chores yesterday night but he countered that those were not enough and that our standard has deteriorated tremendously. I felt bad that I'm partly responsible for getting the rest into trouble.
#9 Already the day started off badly; it got worse when I realised I had misplaced a classification "Secret" document.
#10 Apparently the pair of black havaianas with metallic logo which I got in Darwin is going to be launched locally soon. This signifies that in no time at all, I will see lots of people with the same slippers as me. And I think I actually bought it at a higher price.
Maybe at the end of everything it doesn't really feel like the world is coming to an end, or the poor have no rice to eat or there is a gaping hole over our heads due to global warming but when all these sort of small mundane bad stuff happens all at once, you'd wish that you had been the Ferrari driver who lost the Singapore GP.
