it's the ironic & controversial rhapsody of an ambiguous bert
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
but something happened for the very first time with you my heart melted into the ground found something true and everyone's looking 'round thinking I'm going crazy
but I don't care what they say I'm in love with you they try to pull me away but they don't know the truth my heart's crippled by the vein that I keep on closing you cut me open and I
Most of the time we never get a bedtime story ending.
I screwed up.
It's funny really, ridiculous even. I can't blame anyone here, because when I say my life is a mess now, it's only because I complicated it myself.
I need to learn to keep my big mouth shut. This is not the first time already, and it had better be the last.
At some point, a line must be drawn. Even with friends, even though we are friends and we love each other, there are some things that we just should not stick our nose in.
Everytime I thought I've become mature to deal with something, I realised that there are just so much more waiting for me to learn.
And in order to prevent myself from becoming a pretentious & despicable hypocrite, there are some people whom in front of them, I will not put on my "i like you and we are oh-so-good-friends" face.
"The difference between adults and children is that kids say things to your face. Grown-ups, on the other hand, bitch behind your back." Johann S.Lee "A Quiet Time"
"Stay exclusive. No more alternative monitoring. So if you're already mated and find yourself experiencing chemistry with another woman, don't cross the line and make an overture. It doesn't mean you can't be attracted to another person, it's just that you don't act on it. If you're still shopping around, it shows that you're still not ready."
Alright, Xmas is over and as what Thomas said, "hen kuai de", CNY will be at our doorsteps. Ordered a set of pineapple tarts & cornflake cookies from my good old friend cum one-time-mentor & fellow baker Jamica.
Well, like Jason, I too had a club-and-alcohol-free Christmas holiday. Eve was spent at Bernard & Stephen's where there were wonderful food such as flame-grilled seafood fried rice, honey baked ham plus all-time favourite Colonel's old recipe Kentucky Fried Chicken; desserts include my Christmas cake, homemade tiramisu infused with Martell, Tia Maria & Kahlua Liquor and there was this fruit & honey yogurt pudding.
Oh ya Ernie & Huiting, the Cocoa Banana Caramella was heavenly!!
And after dinner, while Bernard, Stephen & Leo were having a ball crazily playing Wii, I was calmly playing mahjong with Jackson + Kevin, Alvin + Roystern & our very own "hong lian jie jie". (I abstained from the red wine as I had to work the next day.)
author's note: photos yet to be procured from Stephen.
p.s. thank you for a very thoughtful & sweet Christmas day... turns out I didn't have to spend Christmas alone after all
Never do your Christmas shopping at the last minute on the eve itself unless you're a fan of Chinatown after the reunion dinner.
Anyway, heading over to Bernard & Stephen's soon for a Xmas's Eve gathering with old friends. (I'm always excited about going to their place because I simply love the interior and the idea that they have a place of their own, although strictly speaking it's actually bernard's flat.)
Traditionally with pot luck sessions that I've attended in the past, I'd usually bring a home-baked cheesecake; this year however with the absence of my mixer (it's really just an excuse), I've once again ordered a fabulous and delectable cake - Cocoa Banana Caramella from The Patissier.
Did you know?? That according to Thomas, a higher percentage of people commit suicide during this festive season; I supposed it may be because people tend to get or feel lonelier during this intensive period of family holidays.
Couples of all sorts, be it husband and wife, boyfriend and girlfriend, boyfriend and boyfriend or girlfriend and girlfriend, will be strutting down Orchard Road together doing stuff like Christmas shopping or standing in front of the Deli counter at Cold Storage, discussing passionately whether would it be more appropriate to serve their guests roasted turkey or honey baked ham during the upcoming intimate and cozy Christmas countdown gathering tomorrow.
At this juncture, I have no choice but to face reality. It's the first time in a few years now that I'm really gonna be spending my December holidays single and date-less.
It's Christmas's Eve and nobody should have to spend it alone.
author's note: I know, I know. You guys must be thinking that this is yet another self-sympathetic rambling of a sad little boy who is sad only because he chose to make himself sad. Sigh, hopefully this down period will pass soon and I will start smiling again, like how I use to every morning when I woke up in the month of October.
Something is holding me back from being a "Fabulous-green-lightstick". I think I fear that my reputation precedes me so much, it's hindering myself at my own level now.
C'mon, who would want to date the S??
Usually when I fancy someone much older than me I wouldn't do much in terms of "chasing", because I do not need someone undecisive or passive, I would just shift myself from the shelf to the display counter and make things easy.
However if I grew fond of someone around my age, then you'd see me make my move or work my magic because I believe in going for what I want and to passionately pursue it. Happiness don't come for lazy bums, you have to fight for it.
But I guess first and foremost, no matter which boat my feet wants to be in, I must make sure my heart is on the same vessel as well. Before I date or chase anyone this season, I must guarantee it's no rebound nor am I toying with anyone.
31st October was a dream and it should stay where it belonged - the past.
Contrary to what HT says, Cape no. 7 is nice. It's heartwarming, touching and has the right amount of humour. Seriously speaking I have no idea how Jason can actually fall asleep halfway through; I really felt like giving him a good pinch to wake him up, screaming and cursing.
Now I finally know how detrimental my "feng liu shi" as a "silver doll" is to my reputation - I almost have none left now. I realised I can't blame my friends for bitching me in front of others, I reaped what I sowed. So as part of a new movement to reinvent the new me as the old Albert (not the really old childish & immature one but the one who grew up because he had to), I shall endeavour to remove the big S image of myself. I want to go back to being the Albert who's more "chen" (as in the "chen" in mature). Henceforth feel free to pinch me hard next time if I sashay, shake, screech, scream or worse, slut around.
I dreamt of you 2 nights ago. When I woke up, I could not remember the content of the dream but your face was there, vivid in my mind.
I'm slowly waiting for the reality to sink in, that no matter what, you are not going to be there. Here's a lesson learnt for everyone - do not ever make promises to a child if you cannot afford to keep it. You will not be there.
Nothing is working. Throughout the years, I've had some (if not a lot of) experience with heartbreaks and here's usually how I try to remedy myself, from the mildest to the most extreme:
1. Cry me an ocean. Which I had already done, my heart in pain, my tears driven by alcohol plus your favourite songs and my head on the shoulder of a dear friend.
2. Slowly let go and forget. Which is something that we can never truly accomplish because unless you contract sudden amnesia, the memories will most certainly not go away. It may fade, but it's there. All your friends will advise you to just let go and forget and let time heal your wounds and move on but I cannot do 'slowly move on' now, I need something fast. Obviously not working.
3. Hate. Which lead to the dark side. Unfortunately even hating you did not work because I can never bear myself to hate you. The minute I did, I lashed out and right after that, I regretted all my actions. Irreversible. Hate led to regret.
4. The Springboard. Which is cruel and should not be condoned. Using someone else as a rebound is wrong and it will only create a vicious cycle of hurt.
5. "Hotpot". Which is the most evil method up my sleeve and the worst one of all. I have used this successfully in the past but I'm not about to do it again unless I really become that desperate. (I can sense EC frowing at me now). I wonder how much longer can I hold up before I turn to this drastic measure.
The following statements stem from a self-sympathetic soul of a pathetic loser:
I'm hurt; no I'm not hurt. I'm devastated.
You have no idea the amount of pain you've inflicted on me.
When I saw you there laughing away with your friends and enjoying yourself, it occured to me that either you've already moved on that quickly or you did not even care at all in the first place. And I know what I felt was wrong because it's almost as if I wanted to see you as equally heartbroken as me, which should not be the case here because truly caring for you would be wanting you to be as happy as possible. Therefore, I put up a show - one that would not have escaped your attention.
I recall my meeting with the tarot card fortune teller Master Manfred back in Darwin. He said I would find love by the time the year comes to an end and I asked what do I have to do to find love. He replied saying that it's my time and I did not have to do anything, I shall simply need to wait.
Well come to think about it now, I did find love. Only thing is he did not promise that the love would stay.
