My first experience with long distance running was when Adrian introduced the 10km run to replace the standard route march. But I only really started serious long distance running when I was in navy school, under some peer pressure and the persuasion of one of my SIs, I registered for the inaugural Sundown Marathon in 2008.
My timing for this year's Sundown pales in comparison to both last year's and the Standard Chartered Marathon back in December 2008 but I was still glad I ran the race and as with all full marathons, the exhilarating satisfaction at the finishing line still exists. Plus, I was not about to go push myself too hard again unless I want to start limping around for weeks and cringe at every staircase like last year.
Usually I would take on a race with my default running buddy Sherman a.k.a Frosty the Snowman but I hit the road yesterday night with Bun Bun instead because I realised she had nobody to run with. I took her through the first 21km where we had a great time catching up, joking around, oogling at the same eye candies, fantasizing about MacDonalds when we reached the East Coast leg of the race and really buying food at MacDonalds because we got hungry.
Sidetrack a little here, remember when Mdm Meha told Slutyuri that "you are ready when you can stop a man with just 1 look", guess what? I'm ready. Guy A was so engrossed looking at me when I walked past that he did not notice his partner passing him a drink (or perhaps he was just staring at my milkshake). Bun later commented, "he was saying 'sorry sorry' to his partner, jialat, I think they will have a fight when they go home later".
One of the things that I like most about this sport is that during the course of running itself, my mind is surprisingly clear to think and reflect about a lot of stuff. Hence, with the few hours I had to myself, after I left Bun behind with one of our friends Terence because I wanted to push ahead on my own for a better timing, I thought about some stuff and came to some decisions which I hope will eventually aid me in turning my life around for the better.
There had just been too much pressure lately, pressure from work, family, life and the non-existent all-time-favourite asking-for-it relationship (emphasis on the non-existent). Adrian once said this to me, "if a relationship cannot be a source of comfort and solace, then... ..."
In any case, hell week for me commenced with the start of Sundown. I am so not looking forward to the physically intense schedule ahead of CBT training, merchant vessel day and night climb, Simulation Centre Training (which is just as exhausting mentally), IPPT, overnight sailing and quartermaster duty. If I collapse before next Saturday, you guys know what happened. LOL!!
p.s. Running alongside thousands others, I saw a few couples, straight or otherwise, taking the challenge together. This happened to be one of the few things that I had envisioned would be present in my future relationship, (insert: Edwin's comment on my view of a perfect relationship). I am sorry, I think I have forgotten what I said to you and myself at the very beginning and yesterday night put me back into perspective. I'm but an imperfect soul with numerous flaws.
Having said that, when dusk falls and I eventually look towards the other end of the bridge in the setting sun, will I lay my eyes upon your silhouette, or the horizon??
Once there was a young man who devoted his heart and time to grow an apple tree. Everyday without fail, he would water the tree and check the leaves for signs of infestation, wishing the tree would quickly bear fruit. However he soon grew impatient, frustrated and of course, 'emo'.
One day, a wise old man told him this, "You should know that not all things should be carried out in haste. Force the tree to bear fruit before it's ready and I can assure you, you will regret the end results. Give the tree its own time and space and trust that under your care and with what nature has already provided for it, when the time comes, eventually you will have apples that are both ripe and sweet."Remember when I used to say if I have a problem with Leo, the problem probably lied with me; but when so many of us have problems with him, it's his problem instead.
Edwin said to me, "you have this perfect image of how a perfect relationship should be like and when things do not turn out your way, you give up and say 'this is not it' ".
Well, I think by now I've got to admit - I'm the one with the problem. If there is anything I've learnt as a sailor, it's that when you made a mistake, you be man enough to stand up and admit it instead of fearing reproof. It's 'bout time I slap myself and start learning from all my past mistakes and failures.
Daniel thought that, "you are only ready for a relationship when you realised that you do not need it." For the past 2 years after the end of that grand disaster, I've been trying so hard to find that someone who can complement me, it was as if I was looking for a missing part of my life. Am I really ready to commit to whoever God has intended for me, or if not, believe and accept that I can have an equally fulfilling life staying single?
doctor A: It's been concluded, the verdict's out.
doctor W: What is it this time round??
doctor A: My patient seems to think I've contracted it.
doctor W: It?? What's 'it'??
doctor A: Oh you know, that.
doctor W: What in the world is 'that'??
doctor A: (pause for dramatic effect) The 'oh'.
doctor W: Oh?! (scratches head in puzzlement) Oh!!
doctor A: Oh yes!!
doctor W: Oh no!!
doctor A: Oh well...
doctor W: Oh really??
doctor A: (-_-!!)
doctor W: seriously, seriously, you of all people to contract 'bert flu'!!
doctor A: (-_-!!!)
The following is a conversation that took place at the Cardiac & Cerebral Clinic...
patient A: Doctor you look ill, your face's flushed and your breathing seems heavier, are you alright??
doctor A: Strange as it seems but I cannot seem to fathom this; all of these appears to be rather, unreadable.
patient A: Well, let us try to diagnose this, what other symptoms are you experiencing??
doctor A: (I wonder who's the doctor here.) Oh well, let me see, actually there's more, when his arm brushes mine, my heart rate increases and I felt a little giddy.
patient A: My good doctor, surely you already know what it is you have contracted and I assure you, this is no sickness. In fact, it is staring at you right in the face.
doctor A: Incredible!! What is it??
patient A: Let me ask you this: do you want to touch his hand back??
doctor A: Oh...
patient A: Oh indeed...
As much as I like to see myself in a role of being the one who shelters and supports his partner, there are times when I admit I would very much like instead to have a shoulder for me to rest my head on for a change; times when I am physically tired and mentally exhausted.
My ego is so strong, to such an extent that some of my friends call me a MCP, I forget that once in a while when I look at my reflection, I see a young boy staring back. For all I put on a facade of high self-esteem to create an illusion of self-confidence, in the ways of the world, life and heart, I have but only 21 years of experience.
Goodness I hate emo nights...
Rather unprecedented, totally unexpected but pleasant nonetheless, a tap of your finger on my arm that made my heart thumped so fast, I really heard it in my ears. I walked home with a puzzled smile.
me: which hospital??
mousehunt: alvernia
me:no idea where is that...haha sounds like it's private
mousehunt: yea...haha...mine's a private hospital
me: so's mine...mt elizabeth
mousehunt: yea
mousehunt: mt E
mousehunt: mine's mt A lor
mousehunt: A & E
mousehunt: haha
me: ermm....A & E...hahaha okok
me: although it's not a very gd sign
me: lol
mousehunt: hahaha
mousehunt: "ya it's so late already.."
me: "i dun have to work tml, it's you i'm worried about.."
I realised that the most important thing for me to do right now is to focus on the "Contentment of the Moment".
The key here is the difference between Happiness and Contentment. Telling myself that I want to be or ought to be Happy, it's as if I'm saying I'm still short of something and that I need to achieve or acquire something else in order to be Happy.
Contentment on the other hand is so much simpler in comparison. I'm Contented - therefore I'm already satisfied with what I have, instead of harping on wanting to gain what I do not.
It's being thankful for what has already been given to me, instead of asking for more.
Workwise I think I'm pretty glad with where I stand currently. A recent upcoming promotion and gradual climb in seniority has led to more responsibility and appointments falling to me (not something I desired of course) but hey, as long as my job pays for my credit card bills, I think I'm good. Besides a new found good friend at the workplace has made weekdays a little more bearable.
Now this other bit of issue that my mind has been revolving around for the past few days, it dawned on me that it's even more imperative for me to be contented.
Seriously, I'm not kidding when I say that it's nothing short of a miracle for me to find you again after 7 months. So many signs are pointing to the right direction - the pre-meeting jitters that were so bad it made me want to cancel on the pretext of a lie; the fact that I've always thought I would find someone who matches me in terms of education background & interest, hobbies, our similar names & compatibility and how my mind has been able to concentrate on nothing else except you.
When I agreed that we would have dinner just simply as friends, believe me, I meant it (of course, chivalry dictates that I buy dinner and I would not have it otherwise) because I know that you are not looking for a relationship right now and I respect that. The simplistic beauty of this matter lies not in the necessity of having you but in the gratification of being able to spend time knowing you.
If we are only just to be friends, trust me, I'm already very contented.
